Keys to A Successful Coming Out and Relationships

One of the reason I started this blog was to share my experiences coming out in mid-life and hopefully providing insights that would help others and/or allow them to side step some of my mistakes. Coming out is anything but an easy or overnight process and anyone contemplating doing so needs to understand that it will take time to get to the point of being at ease living as an out gay/lesbian. A couple of things have come to mind that I believe are important to making a successful transition.

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The first is the need to get involved in the gay community and organizations. Just going out to clubs or spending time in online chat rooms will not get you to the place you want to be. What prompted this thought is an article in the New York Times involving retirees who relocate to new locations, but much of the advice carries over to those in the coming out process since many of us find ourselves having to largely rebuild our social circles. Here are some highlights that I believe are applicable to those coming out:

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RUTH COY remembers the advice someone gave her for creating a new life in a new place: The magic words when you move to a new town are, ‘What can I do to help? . . . the most important factor for a successful transition is becoming connected to the local community. . . . “People need to participate in things,” said Warren Neal, an agent with ReMax Excaliber in Scottsdale, Ariz., “as a way to meet people in a new place.”

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While coming out may not involve moving to a new location in a physical sense, it will in many ways involve leaving old circles acquaintances and a need to become a part of new ones. Some of these should be within the larger LGBT community. This can include charitable organizations and other groups and activities. If one does not become involved, loneliness and a sense of isolation are likely outcomes.

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The second issue is finding ways to find a sense of comfort with one's sexual orientation and in time finding the right person for a committed relationship. When it comes to dating, it is important to remember that just because someone is attractive and/or shares some interests, it does not guarantee that they "are the one." It is very important that your would be partner be at a similar comfort level with who they are as you. Becoming involved with someone in the closet or who is not comfortable with their sexuality may well lead to problems. This quote from Gaytwogether looks at both the benefits of coming out and relationship pitfalls:

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He [the successful gay dater] has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating. Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.

Gay Dating - Or Why Are So Many Gay Guys Pigs?

It is a few weeks shy of one (1) year since I had my final altercation with my former long term partner and our relationship ended. After that night, we never lived under the same roof again. During most of the past almost year I have not dated at all other than a few times a month or two ago and that venture did not pan out. I've met one new guy since who seems quite wonderful, yet there are circumstances that raise questions as to whether there's a possible future on that front. Thus, a few times now I have posted a personal ad - which is actual how I met the guy that still might be a possibility - partly out of boredom and partly out of a blind hope/wishful thinking that Prince Charming is out there somewhere just waiting to discover me.

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Perhaps it's because I'm direct by nature or maybe it's the attorney in me. In any event, I am pretty specific in my ad about what I want in a guy - intelligence, stability, honesty, a desire for monogamous commitment - and what I do not want in a guy - smokers, overweight guys, guys with facial hair, guys who would not accept that my children are and always will be a part of my life. I make it clear what I'm looking for because I don't want to waste my time on hopeless endeavors nor do I want to waste someone else's time. Some of the responses I have received are unbelievable, but NOT in a good way. They range from nasty expressions of wanting nasty, kinky anonymous sex to personal attacks on me for being "arrogant" for not wanting just anyone to in one case even foul comments about my children. Am I missing something, or is it wrong to have some standards? Likewise, if I say I want someone height and weight proportionate, am I unreasonable for not being pleased with responses from guys who are borderline obese or worse?

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I truly do not get it. One jerk - the one who made comments about my children - even claimed that people like me (I assume with standards of what they want and who won't sleep with just anybody) "give the gay world a bad name." Funny, I thought it was guys - probably like the respondent - who are promiscuous and have constant random anonymous sex, use drugs, and have no values were the ones that gave us gays a bad image. Silly me. How could I be so confused? The straight world is fucked up in many ways and has its share of promiscuous sluts, but far too many gay guys seem to make those straights look pretty even keeled in comparison. In any event, my a portion of my response to this jerk was as follows:

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If refusing to settle for guys who are (a) slobs who are fat and out of shape, (b) do not care what they look like, (c) promiscuous and have sex with anything breathing, (d) have the IQ of a fruit fly, makes me arrogant, then I'm guilty as charged. . . . . It's guys like YOU that give the gay world a bad name. You're probably pissed that I wouldn't give you the time of day and, I suspect, I'd be right in doing so.

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Okay, my response wasn't very nice, but I sure felt better for it. You can insult me all you want, but take foul shots at my children, then you'd better look out. Meanwhile, I have no intention of "settling." After what I have been through in the coming out process (which has cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars not to mention much heartache and turmoil) I feel I am entitled to pick and choose who I want to have a relationship with. That said, Prince Charming, hurry the Hell up and find me!!

Dating Values

Lately, Michael at Gaytwogether - who I will admit I communicate with and find to be a very sweet and thoughtful guy - seems to be doing posts aimed at me and my quest to successfully re-enter the dating world and, hopefully find "Mr. Right" after eleven months of recovering from the end of my last relationship. I am admittedly a bit gun shy of getting involved with someone who might turn out not to be "the one," but I do believe that I am happiest when in a committed relationship. The question is how to (1) attract the type of guy that's right and (2) project a true image of who I am. In a recent post on his blog, Michael has an article by a personal coach that gives some advice and tips. Here are some highlights of what I am trying to do myself based on the article:

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Your first step before you ever set foot into the dating jungle is to have a solid sense of identity—to know who you are and what you’re looking for. Without this knowledge, you’ll likely wander and connect aimlessly with men crowding the dating pool who have little in common with you except being single as well (and sometimes not even that!). . . . And that’s where your values come in!

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They give your life meaning and they are the essence of who you are and what you believe in. They are a core piece of your identity, the filler for your sense of self—your internal nucleus of sorts. Without values, life would feel empty, depressing, and stale. There would be no sense of purpose or motivation.

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Coming-out is an example of the value you place in taking pride of your true self. So in identifying your values, it will be important for you to distinguish between what’s truly something you believe in versus what could potentially be someone else’s expectations of you. Whose voice do you hear? Your own? Mom or Dad? Church?

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The most successful couples in relationships have shared values. Nothing provides the sustenance and glue to a partnership than values; everything else pales in comparison. You and that guy sitting across from you at the coffee shop may be totally attracted to each other (but he’s SO hot!), but if you don’t have comparable visions or philosophies of life, you’ll be setting yourselves up for tons of conflict and disappointment.

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By being yourself, expressing your true sense of self in every word and action, you’re showing the world the canvas of your identity and will increase your odds of attracting other similar guys. And by being true to your values, you will be less prone to molding yourself around a relationship with a man just for the sake of being in one because you’re making conscious decisions to honor your beliefs and what’s important to you to be happy.

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Much of this can also be describes as "to thine own self be true." I want to find a guy who wants and loves me for me and not some role I'm playing to please him. At the same time, I want Mr. Right to be able to be himself and not feel that he has to try to be what he he thinks I want him to be. After all my years in the closet trying to be what others wanted/expected, it is truly liberating and self-affirming to just be me. I suspect that a relationship between two open and honest guys who have a solid sense of who they are and their common values would be equally wonderful.

Surrounded by People But All Alone - Update

I want to thank all of you who have been supportive through your telephone calls, e-mails and comments. It is very moving for me that a number of you care about me as much as you do. Some messages have given me things to think about in terms of self improvement efforts as well. I have been told that I am "a bit opinionated at times," which I will concede is an accurate statement. However, I really do try to back my opinions with facts and/or personal experiences so that I am not simply shooting my mouth off with no clue as to what the real facts are. If I am out in left field, I am never taken aback if one of you wants to point out perceptions or angles that I have perhaps over looked, so feel free to send me your thoughts.

Another reader commented that "you set your standards so high you'll never be able to reach them (in regard to a relationship)" and "I believe if you look back, there have been those who have been interested, but didn't quite come up to your standards." I truly do not think I am looking for perfection - I simply have a vision of what I would like in a partner and would really like to "get it right" the next time I enter into a relationship. At nearly 56, I figure I do not have time to waste screwing up on false starts. I know that I am far from perfect and accept the imperfections of others. Honesty, a decent level of intelligence, and a good heart are perhaps the highest prerequisites for me. I guess not being a total couch potato is another - I like quiet evenings at home, but also like to be involved in things that I'm passionate about (HRBOR, EV, gay activism, politics) and like many types of social settings.

I will also confess that at times I can be a bit obtuse when it comes to recognizing that someone is interested in me. In my closeted life, my former wife would often tell me at times that women were checking me out or flirting with me and I'd be utterly oblivious to it. In some ways, I am still that way in the gay dating world. Without some type of encouragement (and probably not all that subtle), I am likely to never make the first move so as to avoid being shot down in flames and humiliated. I will also admit that I have a real hang up about my age and wonder at times what I have to offer someone who is active and vibrant. The gay dating scene seems to place so much emphasis on youth and I can't deceive myself that I am young even if I do not act or feel "old." I would also say that I suspect that what some may see as aloofness at times is really me being afraid of rejection.

Again, thanks for all the friendship and support. It means ever so much to me.

Dating and Relationships

My friend and fellow blogger, Euphoric, from Australia had a post today that really hit home and summed up my views on dating. Namely, that I don't like casual dating. Never did; still do not; never will. It's kind of funny that Vanyel, another blogger that is in our "inner circle" of friends has similar views. I guess that is perhaps why we relate to one another so well. In any event, here is a portion of Euphoric's post (http://www.realeuphoria.com/?p=1638):

I was just watching a special THS on Nicole Kidman and something she said reminded me of me. She stated “I don’t date casually, I get engaged and married”. That is exactly the kind of person I am. It reminded me that I’m not the only person out there who doesn’t really date. Technically I guess I do but I never start seeing someone unless I see a future.

For me, I am not going to waste my time dating unless I see a future. I am particular of who I see and only start seeing someone if I feel the potential. I started to think why that is and realised it’s because my ultimate goal is to be in a life long relationship so casual dating is only a distraction. I don’t have any need for casual. So when it comes to relationships I only care about long term. I admit I make mistakes and maybe somewhat delusional but at least I believe what I’m saying lol.

Perhaps part of my current feeling on this issue comes from my age. While in the past I disliked the nervousness and uncertainty of spending time with casual acquaintances, now I simply do not want to be wasting time on things that do not have a potential for something meaningful. I'd rather sit at home and read a good book or go dancing by myself on a Saturday night.