I want to thank all of you who have been supportive through your telephone calls, e-mails and comments. It is very moving for me that a number of you care about me as much as you do. Some messages have given me things to think about in terms of self improvement efforts as well. I have been told that I am "a bit opinionated at times," which I will concede is an accurate statement. However, I really do try to back my opinions with facts and/or personal experiences so that I am not simply shooting my mouth off with no clue as to what the real facts are. If I am out in left field, I am never taken aback if one of you wants to point out perceptions or angles that I have perhaps over looked, so feel free to send me your thoughts.
Another reader commented that "you set your standards so high you'll never be able to reach them (in regard to a relationship)" and "I believe if you look back, there have been those who have been interested, but didn't quite come up to your standards." I truly do not think I am looking for perfection - I simply have a vision of what I would like in a partner and would really like to "get it right" the next time I enter into a relationship. At nearly 56, I figure I do not have time to waste screwing up on false starts. I know that I am far from perfect and accept the imperfections of others. Honesty, a decent level of intelligence, and a good heart are perhaps the highest prerequisites for me. I guess not being a total couch potato is another - I like quiet evenings at home, but also like to be involved in things that I'm passionate about (HRBOR, EV, gay activism, politics) and like many types of social settings.
I will also confess that at times I can be a bit obtuse when it comes to recognizing that someone is interested in me. In my closeted life, my former wife would often tell me at times that women were checking me out or flirting with me and I'd be utterly oblivious to it. In some ways, I am still that way in the gay dating world. Without some type of encouragement (and probably not all that subtle), I am likely to never make the first move so as to avoid being shot down in flames and humiliated. I will also admit that I have a real hang up about my age and wonder at times what I have to offer someone who is active and vibrant. The gay dating scene seems to place so much emphasis on youth and I can't deceive myself that I am young even if I do not act or feel "old." I would also say that I suspect that what some may see as aloofness at times is really me being afraid of rejection.
Again, thanks for all the friendship and support. It means ever so much to me.
4 comments:
My husband has this to say about men in general. Guys don't take hints. If you want a guy to know something or do something, tell him directly. Strong hints don't work. Hints applied with a 2x4, those are the ones that work sometimes.
There seem to be more exceptions in the gay community, but the truth still applies.
Good luck, sweetheart.
Gee, and I didn't even have to give you a good old fashioned "bitch slap" this time.
You'll work everything out in time, I do believe you always do.
Michael,
I'm sure you realize a difference between perfection and excellence. Since you remain a Christian, which calls for perfection, perhaps you have confused the two. Jesus calls disciples to "perfection," philosophers call individuals to "excellence." A HUGE difference.
Do not despair, but gay and youth go hand-in-glove, which I am sure is no more a revelation that it is for heteros. The difference, is hetero women will find older men a resource, while older men seek out a boy-toy. To get a boy-toy, you have to give up "excellence." You have to give up value, and put up with superficialities for a pretty high price. Most boy-toys (I've known very few, thankfully) are so NOT your style, you have to come clean with yourself and acknowledge as we age, our beauty is deeper, and therein the place to look for it. If you're a looking for a mature head on a young body, well, aren't we all. Alas, few of those prizes exist.
So relax. Unwind. A good VCR, a glass of Merlot, an afternoon at the beach, and enjoy where you are now, because you cannot change it to otherwise. Some call it "being in the moment." Some "carpe diem." But it always begins "now."
Best Wishes.
Michael, Wow! I haven't been able to read your blog for a few days, but I always try to go back and catch up on what I've missed. I never realized that you listened to what I had to say. I, like you, second guess myself when it comes to certain things. I'm flattered that you took to heart the comments about how difficult it would be for someone to meet your standards. I'm not suggesting that you change them, just to realize that it would be a difficult mark to meet for most everyone. Also, you are so passionate about your work and your causes, that you focus on it rather than yourself. Just so you don't think I'm just trying to be critical of you, I want to reaffirm a few things. First, who cares if you are 56? I certainly wouldn't. And, I don't think that I ever would at any point in my life. Second, you are so beautiful -- from the inside to the out~! Third, you have a definite point of view. And, finally, although quite guarded with respect to the "getting to know someone and letting that lead to a relationship" aspect, you exude such a confidence that others are naturally drawn to you. In a perfect world, I'd like to meet you in person and consider you a close personal friend. But, alas, I feel confined to the virtual reality of our electronic communication. I am always very happy to note the days that you are quite happy and gay ( :) couldn't resist the temptation!). Have a beautiful day. Go forth and do great things~!
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