Hampton Roads Retail Alliance Gala 2016 Lifetime Achievement Award

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A number of our friends tease us about the number of formal events we go to each year. but if one supports worthy causes and wants to support friends and community advocates, it actually takes an effort NOT to go to many events.  Tonight, on a reminder from our dear friend Cindy Cutler (a former Legends honoree), we attended the Greater Hampton Roads Retail Alliance Gala that honored top retailers from both the Virginia Peninsula and the so-called "Southside" - i.e., the cities of Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Chesapeake, Portsmouth and Suffolk -  and, most importantly, our dear friends, Claus Ihlemann (another past Legends honoree and Equality Virginia "Outstanding Virginian" and his husband, Robert Roman, the owners of Decorum Furniture.

Not only are Claus and Robert great supporters of LGBT equality - the are presenting sponsors at the 2016 Pride fest event in Norfolk on June 18, 2016 (the husband and I are also sponsors, but on nowhere near that level) - but their philanthropic efforts extend to ACCESS/AIDS Care, Hope House, Tidewater Arts Outreach and many other causes that seek to enhance the greater Hampton Roads community.  Their constant refrain for what they do is "Pay it forward."

The husband and I consider ourselves lucky to count this year's lifetime achievement winners as friends.  Moreover, the set the stand for other to emulate, including their willingness to live their lives honestly and authentically, making no apologies for who they are. The same goes for our friend Cindy Cutler, mentioned above, a formidable "straight ally" to the LGBT community.

As I have advise in the past for those coming out - especially those coming out later in life - the key to thriving is to get involved and surround yourself with inspiring people.  Each of us has the ability to create change and to make sure that it gets better for those coming after us.  

As for the event itself, it was well done, with a masquerade theme - many guest sported formal wear and stylish masks - we wore masks from Venice - and to liven up the evening, performers from the based Hurrah Players (which among others, first launched actor Grant Gustin ) providing well done renditions from Phantom of the Opera.   In short, it was a wonderful evening.

Legends Gala 2014 Legend: The Honorable Ralph and Mrs. Pam Northam

Tonight is the 9th annual Equality Virginia Legends Gala - the husband and I have been to all but one of the galas and I was on the Legends committee for 5 years (which had the added benefit of helping me make many wonderful friends).  The black tie event honors Hampton Roads area "legends" for their role in advance the cause of LGBT rights and equality.  This year's individual honorees are  Honorable Ralph Northam, Lt. Governor of Virginia and his wife,  Pam Northam.  The organizational honoree is Hampton Roads Pride which through its sponsorship of "Out in the Park" in the past and this year's amazing PrideFest has done much to increase the visibility of the LGBT community in a positive way.  Here are details from Equality Virginia's webpage:

Lt. Governor Ralph Northam and Mrs. Pam Northam have been longtime advocates for Virginia’s LGBT community.  For the Lt. Governor, as a pediatric neurologist first, and for Mrs. Northam, as an educator, their compassion for all people and families shines brightly both in their personal and professional lives.  As a state senator from 2008 to 2013, the Lt. Governor supported policies that promote LGBT equality; he scored a 100 percent in Equality Virginia’s 2012 and 2013 legislative scorecards.  When elected as Lt. Governor for the Commonwealth of Virginia in 2013, both he and Mrs. Northam  continued to advocate for marriage equality and workplace fairness.

Lt. Governor Ralph Northam and Mrs. Pam Northam believe that nobody should be discriminated against for their sexual orientation or gender identity, and have been vocal in their support of LGBT equality in Hampton Roads and beyond.  Their efforts for making Virginia a more welcoming and supportive place to live is inspiring and their warmth and humanity contagious.

Hampton Roads Pride has successfully put the Hampton Roads LGBT community and the issue of equality front and center in the civic consciousness. Its marquee event, PrideFest, has moved to Norfolk’s Town Point Park, expanding its reach to thousands of new people and gaining countless additional LGBT allies and advocates.  Hampton Roads Pride is also the only such organization in the United States to put on a Boat Parade, underlining the connections with the maritime history of Virginia’s port cities.  

 

Keys to A Successful Coming Out and Relationships

One of the reason I started this blog was to share my experiences coming out in mid-life and hopefully providing insights that would help others and/or allow them to side step some of my mistakes. Coming out is anything but an easy or overnight process and anyone contemplating doing so needs to understand that it will take time to get to the point of being at ease living as an out gay/lesbian. A couple of things have come to mind that I believe are important to making a successful transition.

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The first is the need to get involved in the gay community and organizations. Just going out to clubs or spending time in online chat rooms will not get you to the place you want to be. What prompted this thought is an article in the New York Times involving retirees who relocate to new locations, but much of the advice carries over to those in the coming out process since many of us find ourselves having to largely rebuild our social circles. Here are some highlights that I believe are applicable to those coming out:

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RUTH COY remembers the advice someone gave her for creating a new life in a new place: The magic words when you move to a new town are, ‘What can I do to help? . . . the most important factor for a successful transition is becoming connected to the local community. . . . “People need to participate in things,” said Warren Neal, an agent with ReMax Excaliber in Scottsdale, Ariz., “as a way to meet people in a new place.”

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While coming out may not involve moving to a new location in a physical sense, it will in many ways involve leaving old circles acquaintances and a need to become a part of new ones. Some of these should be within the larger LGBT community. This can include charitable organizations and other groups and activities. If one does not become involved, loneliness and a sense of isolation are likely outcomes.

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The second issue is finding ways to find a sense of comfort with one's sexual orientation and in time finding the right person for a committed relationship. When it comes to dating, it is important to remember that just because someone is attractive and/or shares some interests, it does not guarantee that they "are the one." It is very important that your would be partner be at a similar comfort level with who they are as you. Becoming involved with someone in the closet or who is not comfortable with their sexuality may well lead to problems. This quote from Gaytwogether looks at both the benefits of coming out and relationship pitfalls:

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He [the successful gay dater] has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating. Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.