One of the reason I started this blog was to share my experiences coming out in mid-life and hopefully providing insights that would help others and/or allow them to side step some of my mistakes. Coming out is anything but an easy or overnight process and anyone contemplating doing so needs to understand that it will take time to get to the point of being at ease living as an out gay/lesbian. A couple of things have come to mind that I believe are important to making a successful transition. *
The first is the need to get involved in the gay community and organizations. Just going out to clubs or spending time in online chat rooms will not get you to the place you want to be. What prompted this thought is an article in the New York Times involving retirees who relocate to new locations, but much of the advice carries over to those in the coming out process since many of us find ourselves having to largely rebuild our social circles. Here are some highlights that I believe are applicable to those coming out:
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RUTH COY remembers the advice someone gave her for creating a new life in a new place: The magic words when you move to a new town are, ‘What can I do to help? . . . the most important factor for a successful transition is becoming connected to the local community. . . . “People need to participate in things,” said Warren Neal, an agent with ReMax Excaliber in Scottsdale, Ariz., “as a way to meet people in a new place.”
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While coming out may not involve moving to a new location in a physical sense, it will in many ways involve leaving old circles acquaintances and a need to become a part of new ones. Some of these should be within the larger LGBT community. This can include charitable organizations and other groups and activities. If one does not become involved, loneliness and a sense of isolation are likely outcomes.
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The second issue is finding ways to find a sense of comfort with one's sexual orientation and in time finding the right person for a committed relationship. When it comes to dating, it is important to remember that just because someone is attractive and/or shares some interests, it does not guarantee that they "are the one." It is very important that your would be partner be at a similar comfort level with who they are as you. Becoming involved with someone in the closet or who is not comfortable with their sexuality may well lead to problems. This quote from Gaytwogether looks at both the benefits of coming out and relationship pitfalls:
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He [the successful gay dater] has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating. Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.
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