Bloomberg.com Chides Obama on Gay Marriage Cowardice

While I can understand Barack Obama's reluctance - might cowardice be a better term? - on endorsing same sex marriage rights, the reality is that those who would be offended by such a move to a point that they'd vote Republican aren't going to vote for Obama or any Democrat anyways.  These anti-gay zealots are the Kool-Aid drinkers and Christianist members of the GOP base.  Even a significant majority of the Catholic laity (as opposed to the child rapist protecting bishops) support legal recognition of same sex relationships.  The editors at Bloomberg.com get this reality even if Obama does not.  In an opinion piece today, they took Obama to task for his cowardice on same sex marriage and suggested that he needs to get on board with Joe Biden.  In the process, they also get in a slap at Mitt Romney.  Here are highlights: 

“I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties,” Vice President Joe Biden told NBC’s David Gregory on “Meet the Press.” “And quite frankly, I don’t see much of a distinction beyond that.” 

Others do, most notably his boss, President Barack Obama. The president, surveying an election landscape in which victory may require threading a few political needles, has been disappointingly reticent on the issue -- even as Education Secretary Arne Duncan on Monday joined the chorus endorsing gay marriage.

The discomfort the president has professed to feel about gay marriage -- at least since entering national politics; he seemed remarkably more at ease in the 1990s -- has always seemed more political than personal.

We hope that the president’s reluctance to engage on gay marriage is a similar matter of strategy. But as he surely knows, at some point moral questions break the bounds of calculation and come down to something more elemental: courage and commitment.  These qualities were notably absent last week with the departure of foreign policy spokesman Richard Grenell from Mitt Romney’s campaign.

This battle will ultimately end, and anyone with a passing familiarity with the American story knows how. We have entered the final stage, where opponents theatrically vow to maintain segregation, or its marital approximation, now and forever. 

Marriage, like every successful social institution, changes with the times. When President Obama was born, interracial marriage was prohibited in much of the nation, and public support for it registered in the low single digits. Today, in roughly one-quarter of American marriages, wives earn more than their husbands, some of whom stay home to care for children. Such arrangements -- including the 10 percent of marriages that are interracial -- are no more “traditional” than gay marriages. So what?

The advance of gay rights has been driven largely by culture, with each decade bringing new levels of empowerment. As the latest ballot measure in North Carolina suggests, the political arena has generally been a lagging indicator. President Obama can help change that dynamic by putting his moral authority squarely behind the right to marry.

Reflection on Children and Relationships

This evening was a wonderful time. The boyfriend (pictured at left) and I met my two daughters for dinner in honor of my oldest daughter's birthday. Our relationship has been chilly and strained for nearly a year since one of my deep depression/free fall episodes last year. Spending an evening over dinner with her and my youngest - who has been a life saver throughout for me emotionally - was wonderful and one of the best gifts I could have as a parent. After dinner, we went by my oldest daughter's new place that she has just moved into which is only minutes from my parents' old neighborhood in Virginia Beach. While there, we dropped off an extra TV that we had and looked the place over which is just blocks from the beach on the Chesapeake Bay. True to form the boyfriend, a/k/a "Martha Stewart," had decorating ideas for my daughter and I can easily see him helping my daughter make window treatments and who knows what else for her home. It's something he loves doing and has been known to do for both family and some of his long time clients.

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Speaking of the boyfriend, I treasure him more all the time. The irony is that when I first came out and saw my future as only one of darkness and potential loneliness, in my mind's eye I always pictured what I longed for so much: a stable, committed relationship with a sweet and good hearted man with whom I could make a life and grow older with. Someone who would totally accept and love me and who would embrace my children as well. All too often in moments of darkness and despair I believed that I would never find such a relationship. Between thinking of myself as too old (a "has been" if you will before I even came out), having too much baggage, etc., etc., I never believed that I would find "the one." I am sure that I am hardly alone in the feelings I had. In the final analysis, I suspect almost all of us seek that one person to fully love them and be fully loved by in return.

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My message to others coming out in mid-life is patience and faith. Patience because finding Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. Right Now takes time and self-confidence. Only when I had adapted to being single and being OK with it did the boyfriend appear when I least expected it. The second thing required is faith - faith that "the one" is out there and that he WILL come into your life.

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It took me almost eight tumultuous years to find the boyfriend. Yes, there were interim loves and infatuations along the way, but they never were what I had dreamed of - either because of my own flaws or otherwise. But I kept on going and now enjoy the precious gifts of my children and someone who loves me deeply in a way that I have never experienced before.

Birthday Reflections

In general I hate observing my birthday and at my age I would much prefer to pretend it wasn't happening at all - it's hard being 39 over and over again. Also, by nature, I would rather give than receive gifts or be the center of attention. Today two of the best gifts I received were birthday wishes from my two daughters with plans to get together to observe my birthday over the weekend. And this morning, the boyfriend greeted me with two cards - one serious and one not - and beautiful flowers. Tonight after work I will be joining the boyfriend and a group of "the usual suspects" at a Thai restaurant for a birthday get together (this is a regular ritual among our gay circle of friends in Hampton). I'm sure it will be a fun and crazy event.

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A great deal has happened since this time last year. I am now in a wonderful relationship that was just beginning a year ago and now have moved in with the boyfriend - who treats me better than any spouse/partner I have ever had. Financially, things remain a struggle - especially with the constant court nastiness with my former wife - but the firm has survived while many real estate operations have been forced to close.

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Meanwhile, my circle of friends has continued to grow and through this blog and other advocacy activities I hope I am helping to make a difference for others in the LGBT community.

Thoughts on Same-Sex Committed Relationships

I have been conversing recently with a friend about the ups and downs and challenges of gay relationships and why I believe we seem to face more challenges in maintaining stable relationships - or at least so some people claim. Obviously, not having any legal recognition of same-sex relationships in the vast majority of states or under the federal laws in and of itself deprives gay of relationships of a legal framework and societal recognition that enhances stability. I also believe that gay relationships are more difficult than those of heterosexuals because (1) there are no real role models that define what such relationships should look like - we make up our own rules, so to speak, and (2) when you do not have kids and all the activities and chaos they generate, there is much more time for couples to focus upon relationship issues.

On this latter point, from my experience in the closet and living in a straight marriage for many years, I believe that married heterosexuals with kids are just plain exhausted by the end of most days due to all the family related things going on. Between work, household chores, child rearing duties and childrens' activities, there simply is very little time left to contemplate the larger issues of one's relationship with the other spouse. In the majority of gay relationships, such is not the case and therefore, the greater amount of time there is to evaluate the relationship and to scrutinize perceived failings. For straights, assuming couples remain together and have children, arriving at this situation occurs much later in the relationship, generally in middle age. Hence, this is why I think so many married couples - at least in the US - split and divorce once the kids are grown and the parents become empty nesters. Suddenly, it is just the two of them and many come to realize the relationship is either not there anymore and/or that it is not what they want/need.

In my own case, perhaps because of all my years in a marriage, I want a relationship that is akin to marriage with someone who will be my soulmate and best friend.

Fear of Commitment

In reaction to my depressed post during the wee hours over the weekend, I received a number of e-mails and comments. One e-mail indicated that the writer had no desire to be in a relationship ever again since he did not want to set himself up to be hurt again should the relationship end or his partner die before him. Another friend expressed a different reason for his inability to allow himself to become truly close with others: being still locked in the long pattern of never fully investing himself or getting truly close to others due to his many years living in the closet before coming out, especially during many years in the military. Yet another friend tragically lost his parents simultaneously at a relatively young age and then suffered the loss of his twin brother a little more than 10 years later. He resolved that he’d never get totally close emotionally to anyone ever again, thus excluding the possibility of a committed relationship, since he could not bear the thought of once again experiencing the pain of loss. These lines of reasoning can be described as reactions to fear – fear of being hurt or fear of discovered. To me, neither is a good way to live one’s life. This type of existence leaves the individuals isolated and, in my opinion, unfulfilled.

I will freely admit that I am a relationship oriented person. Being fully invested in a relationship DOES involve the potential risk of being hurt. But the rewards can be so amazing. I will admit that during my marriage I kept a “glass wall” between my former wife and me, yet that does not mean I did not love her or that I did not enjoy an emotional intimacy with her. Yes, it was not as complete and fulfilling as it would have been had I been straight and not living in self-denial (and self-loathing) in the closet. Nonetheless there were many rewards, hopefully for both of us. Likewise, in the relationship with my former boyfriend, there were amazing emotional and spiritual rewards. When the relationship ended, it was devastating, but at least I had experienced the wonder that only such commitment can provided.

The reality is that there is risk in virtually every aspect of life. However, as the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. To experience the joy and wonder of true intimacy to me is well worth the risk of being hurt. Particularly, if the other option is to remain remote and empty, albeit safe from ever being hurt.

Dating and Relationships

My friend and fellow blogger, Euphoric, from Australia had a post today that really hit home and summed up my views on dating. Namely, that I don't like casual dating. Never did; still do not; never will. It's kind of funny that Vanyel, another blogger that is in our "inner circle" of friends has similar views. I guess that is perhaps why we relate to one another so well. In any event, here is a portion of Euphoric's post (http://www.realeuphoria.com/?p=1638):

I was just watching a special THS on Nicole Kidman and something she said reminded me of me. She stated “I don’t date casually, I get engaged and married”. That is exactly the kind of person I am. It reminded me that I’m not the only person out there who doesn’t really date. Technically I guess I do but I never start seeing someone unless I see a future.

For me, I am not going to waste my time dating unless I see a future. I am particular of who I see and only start seeing someone if I feel the potential. I started to think why that is and realised it’s because my ultimate goal is to be in a life long relationship so casual dating is only a distraction. I don’t have any need for casual. So when it comes to relationships I only care about long term. I admit I make mistakes and maybe somewhat delusional but at least I believe what I’m saying lol.

Perhaps part of my current feeling on this issue comes from my age. While in the past I disliked the nervousness and uncertainty of spending time with casual acquaintances, now I simply do not want to be wasting time on things that do not have a potential for something meaningful. I'd rather sit at home and read a good book or go dancing by myself on a Saturday night.

Random Thoughts

Although the New Year is here, I am finding it difficult to feel much enthusiasm. Not sure why exactly. Part may be due to burn out and the inability to get away for a vacation due to lack of attorney coverage at the firm, not to mention that the real estate melt down has taken its toll on firm revenues. No romance in my life might be another part of the reason. My roommates are good companions and have certainly helped abate some degree of loneliness, but on the other hand when I see them cuddled on the sofa, I feel a pang of sadness. To me, just to be held by or to cuddle with someone I have romantic feelings for is what I miss most as a result of not being in a relationship. Some readers have e-mailed me and told me I need to just have a fling or one night stand to distract myself. But that’s not what I am looking for. I am longing for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. And so life moves along.

On the work front, I will be speaking to a group of 30 or so new real estate investors on Saturday. The talk will be about ways to take advantage of the severely down real estate market. If one has money or good credit, there are amazing deals that can be secured if one takes their time and looks for bargains. After that I will be getting together with one or more of my children for lunch or just spending time together before my youngest heads back to college on Sunday.

Friday Evening Thoughts

Another work week is over, albeit a short one. Thank God! The last three days have been CRAZY at the office. I have somewhat shaken off the pre-Christmas depression – my trip to Charlottesville was very nice and some much needed cash came into the firm. Also, this weekend should afford some fun – taste testing tomorrow for the next “hrbortini” for the January 4th HRBOR happy hour at Mixers, followed by the movie premier tomorrow insanity.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking about a comment that was posted on one of my posts that laid out some of my random thoughts about my desire for a committed relationship:

“I just hope you don't overlook him, whoever he is, by creating too many "must have" qualities. Every man has his baggage and his faults. It's not about having everything perfect, but rather finding that one truly special someone for whom you don't mind making a few exceptions and overlooking a thing or two.”

While it is true that I am not willing to settle for just anyone – I doubt any of us would willingly – I do not think I have unrealistic requirements for “Mr. Right.” Besides the obvious requirement that he desire true commitment and have a decent level of intelligence (I would never be able to survive with a mindless “boy toy” type), one "must have" quality is the ability to trust. Another is sufficient self-confidence that he does not always needlessly feel insecure and worry about me "finding someone better" or looking for “someone better.” The two are inter-related, but without these two qualities, a relationship is doomed. The lack of these qualities certainly doomed my last relationship. Other than these qualities, I am open to whoever might come along where the attraction and overall chemistry works.

Given the right guy, I can see myself settling into a relationship for the rest of my life. I think my history demonstrates that I am not one to readily leave my partner at the first glimpse of someone new or the first sign of difficulties. It also shows that I have the ability to make a few exceptions and “overlooking a thing or two” to make a relationship work. I stayed married for 24 years before I could not play the role any longer and finally came out. It is true that part of it was due to fear. But most of it was due to my enjoying a committed relationship (despite the sexual orientation issue) with common goals, caring about the ex-wife, and valuing the trusting relationship we had together. Similarly, I stayed with my ex b/f even after it was obvious that it was not working for us. Why? For many of the same reasons: I am the committed type by nature and also because I loved him. Still do in many ways.

When and where prince charming will appear from to sweep me off my feet remains to be seen. This area is not exactly teeming with eligible guys who are looking for a guy my age. Most of the “good ones” seem settled in relationships. If I was in a different line of work or could figure out a career change that made sense, I’d move in a heart beat to a more progressive area with a larger gay population. Time will tell, I suppose.