My New Career Path

It was a crazy and chaotic weekend as I closed down my law firm and move furniture and computers to the new firm offices.  I am hopefully that once the chaos of the move and the attendant computer/IT issues are fully sorted out that things will fall into a calmer and more business focused atmosphere.  It was difficult to tell my subtenants that they will need to negotiate with the landlord - who hopefully will not be an ass - for there continued use of the space after June 30, 2014, the date through which my law firm will pay rent and utilities.

Going forward, I am excited about being able to work more closer to home and not have to run the gauntlet of the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel daily.  For those looking for me, my new work contact information is as follows:

Dillon Law Group, PLC
2809 South Lynnhaven Road, Suite 160
Virginia Beach, VA 23452
(757) 962-4796
mhamar@dillonlawgrp.com
www.dillonlawgrp.com
*Licensed in VA, TX & AL

Offices:
2809 South Lynnhaven Road, Suite 160
Virginia Beach, VA 23452
(757) 962-4796

11815 Fountain Way, Suite 300
Newport News, Virginia 23606
(757) 926-5255

As noted before, it has been very nice to experience the manner in which Liberty Title & Escrow is fully LGBT accepting - something which is a far cry from the local law firm that forced me out a decade ago for being gay.

With operations in 31 states, Liberty Title greatly expands my ability to serve clients, both here in Virginia and elsewhere.  I hope readers will feel free to contact me for advice and/or services not that I am with a firm with an extensive national reach.

What Do You Tell A Gay Man Who Is Afraid to Come Out of the Closet?

From time to time I receive requests for advice from gay men who are in the closet and struggling to either come out and rebuild a new life or who sometimes simply want a sympathetic ear.  Sometimes the requests come by e-mail, sometimes by telephone calls to me at the office and, on a few occasions, in person meetings.  The later always arise from a call seeking an appointment to discuss "a confidential matter."  Coming out is hard - perhaps the hardest thing one can do after years of being married to a woman and having children.  I experienced that road all too well.  But there is life after coming out even if it doesn't fall into place as quickly as we would want.  

Recently, I received a call from a man in a somewhat confounding situation.  He lives in a moderate sized city in the Bible Belt, is gay, is separated from his wife of many years but not divorced, is afraid to come out because of fears of what it would do to his career (which given the city he is in is likely a valid fear), yet he wants to find someone for a committed relationship who is like him in the closet.  He asked me for advise on how to find that special someone.  Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to tell him.  By not coming out, to my view, the opportunities of meeting someone are limited.  Craigslist or Adam4Adam, etc., are not exactly sites for finding a long term committed relationship. I'd love to receive readers' thoughts on this issue.

For those not living in a Bible Belt city, an advice column in the Washington Post had the advice I would more typically tell someone coming out.  Here is the column:

Q. Carolyn, my spouse told me earlier this week that they want a divorce. I had a gay affair, and they found out in November. I thought we might make it, and I was pushing for us to work past this, but it looks like that's not going to happen. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn't enough. The thing is -- I don't even know where to start. I can't tell my family. I don't want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate? (we have no kids, and we've already agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. I just don't know what to DO and I feel paralyzed.)

A. Carolyn Hax :

I can't tell my family.

Yes, you can, and have to. The bulk of your problem(s) right now trace right back to this truth: Who you are and the life you're living are not in harmony. You are one person and trying to live as another. Until you resolve this fundamental dissonance, you will remain at a loss for what to do next. Where you start is to accept who you are, then you decide how you want to live (from among the options available to you, I should say, since the option of preserving the illusion of your marriage is now off the table).

I don't want to come out.

See above.

I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure; your marriage has failed. Big difference. This will go a whole lot better if you resist the urge to see cosmic meaning in earthly things. When it all feels overwhelming, take each piece and deal with it as pragmatically as you can. Make lists, for example: 1. Find place to live. 2. Schedule the move. 3. Notify people on need-to-know basis. Etc.

 

No one in my family is divorced.

Hey, somebody had to be first! Flippant as hell, but you know what? You go with it. It's the only option that won't make you nuts.

Is there a step-by-step guide to this?

No, but ... well, there probably is a guide in a blog somewhere, so I'll leave that to Google. But right now what you probably need more than anything is a safe place to sort out all of your feelings in this. A good, reputable therapist is an investment in your future, at this point, one I suggest you make. (Don't be afraid to shop around.)

Where do I live?

Not for me to say, but, if you're really unsure, look for something short term while you regain your emotional footing.

What do I tell people?

"[Wife] and I are separating. I'd rather not get into details right now, thanks."

How do I navigate?

With confidence that you will be okay, and that any seismic shifts will be scary but also necessary and, for that reason, ultimately to your benefit. Hang in there.

I have found that often our own fears and the fear of what others will think are our biggest obstacles. We cannot let them paralyze us and keep us trapped.

Super Bowl MVP Winner Aaron Rodgers Allegedly Outed By Rumored Boyfriend

The saying goes that "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  Well, that apparently also applies in the gay world with angry ex-boyfriends.  Or at least that is the rumor swirling about concerning Super Bowl MVP winner Aaron Rodgers and Kevin Lanflisi, the man who worked as Rodgers’ “personal assistant.”  Time will tell whether or not the rumors are true, of course.  Meanwhile, homophobes among the pro footabll watching set will likely have their panties in a wad.  Here are excerpts from Queerity:

Rumors are swirling that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was one of the NFL stars expected to come out of the closet this summer, and a cyber sleuth site is all but confirming it with a wealth of dirt that suggests he’s also in a gay relationship.

The Fame Driven was apparently tipped off by an anonymous “spy,” who pointed to a number of now-deleted tweets from the Twitter account of Kevin Lanflisi, the man who worked as Rodgers’ “personal assistant” and lived in his home as “a roommate” for the last several years. (Kinda like Kerry Rhodes and his “friend”…)

According to the spy:

Aaron has attended numerous sports award shows with Kevin, always color coordinated and without any double female dates, including the ESPY’s. Kevin was also the first person Aaron embraced when the Packers won the Super-bowl in 2011. I just find it really strange that as of late there has been many bitter subliminal tweets on Kevin Lanflisi’s twitter alluding to a relationship much deeper than a friendship he had, with who I perceive to be Aaron Rodgers, because Kevin has NEVER once tweeted about having a girlfriend, just mainly about the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers, and Justin Bieber’s music and sitting front row at Bieber’s concert. There has been speculation for years here in Wisconsin that Aaron is gay.

Rodgers first referred to the super-cute Lanflisi as his “roommate” in a 2008 interview with Sporting News, saying they “just hit it off” when Lanflisi was interning for the Packers. “He’s been great for me as far as great conversations outside of football,” he said. “Our friendship goes a lot deeper than what we do.”

A source close to the couple also claimed their relationship is now in turmoil as a result of the botched mass NFL outing scheduled over the summer. Aaron Rodgers was allegedly one of the men involved, and his backing out at the last minute infuriated Lanflisi, shattering their relationship.

If their rumored relationship is actually fact, the truth could come sooner than we’d have thought. In the words of Kevin Lanflisi himself, “Silence always comes with an expiration date..”

If the rumors are true, they highlight one of the soul-killing aspects of being in the closet - the constant fear of outing and never being able to live one's life honestly.  If the rumors are true, I also wish the best of luck to both Rodgers and Lanflisi.  Hopefully, some day being gay will be a non-issue.

NBA Player Jason Collins Comes Out

 

Personally, I believe that it is far past time that gay pro athletes come out of the closet.  That said, I do understand the fear and homophobia (and general bigotry) that they face.  Hence my kudos to the NBA's  Jason Collins on his decision to come out and start living an authentic life.  As one who lived in the closet for over three decades, I know first hand just how exhausting it is to live in the closet expending enormous amounts of energy playing the straight role that one thinks is expected of them by friends and family.   Living "out" and authentically, all that misdirected energy can be directed at positive accomplishments rather that continuing a charade.  Sports Illustrated looks at Collins' story from the perspective of his twin brother.  Here are excerpts:

What does Jason want out of this? He wants to live his life. He wants a relationship, he wants a family, he wants to settle down. He wants to move forward with his personal life while maintaining his life as a professional basketball player. That's all, really.

This announcement will be surprising to some people. I already anticipate the questions: "Are you the gay twin or the straight one?" This is uncharted territory, and no one can predict how it will play out. It's a big deal -- but it's also not a big deal. When the media crush is over, Jason will have the strength to deal with whatever challenges come from being openly gay.

As for us, we're still going to give each other grief. (He's still going to be a terrible golfer; he's still the guy who could help more with changing my kids' diapers.) We'll still be competitive in our way. As kids we were always pushing each other, whether it was for good grades or for possession of the remote control. As NBA players we both wanted to be stronger, so each summer we would have a "liftoff" to see who could put up more weight.

Today, Jason has taken a huge weight off his shoulders. And I've never been more proud of him.

When I was finally out both at work and socially and with my family, I still recall the huge sense of relief I felt and the feeling that a tremendous weight had been lifted off of me.  Andrew Sullivan had apt refletions in one of his posts:

The first NBA player to come out is both African-American and a beautiful writer:

The recent Boston Marathon bombing reinforced the notion that I shouldn’t wait for the circumstances of my coming out to be perfect. Things can change in an instant, so why not live truthfully? When I told Joe a few weeks ago that I was gay, he was grateful that I trusted him. He asked me to join him in 2013. We’ll be marching on June 8.

No one wants to live in fear. I’ve always been scared of saying the wrong thing. I don’t sleep well. I never have. But each time I tell another person, I feel stronger and sleep a little more soundly.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to guard such a big secret. I’ve endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. I was certain that my world would fall apart if anyone knew. And yet when I acknowledged my sexuality I felt whole for the first time. I still had the same sense of humor, I still had the same mannerisms and my friends still had my back.

I want to salute Collins for making more space in the world for more people barred by social norms from being fully who they are. He has single-handedly increased the level of oxygen gay athletes can breathe.

We’re all mortal. We all only have now. Why not tell the truth? It’s as liberating as Jesus predicted. And as transformative as the last two decades have been – as the truth has slowly won out over ignorance and prejudice. But it only did so because it was accompanied by its most powerful partner: courage.

Andrew is right.  It is SO liberating.  Indeed, at this point, I would rather die than go back in the closet.  I truly do not think that I could do it and survive.  For those still in the closet, consider coming out as Jason Collins has done and start living your life as you are.  There may be rough spots along the journey, but over all, I suspect you will find it to be the best thing that you have ever done.

GOP Congressman King - We Need DADT in the Workplace

While LGBT citizens in states like Virginia live in fear of losing their jobs if their sexual orientation is discovered, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) argues that gays, not their bigoted and homophobic employers - are at fault for their own firings. According to King (pictured at left) its LGBT employees making their sexual orientation publicly known that's the cause of their firing. Never mind that many employees don't out themselves and it still doesn't protect them. Think Progress has coverage on King's batshitery which is so much the norm among Republicans - especially those in Virginia who constantly prostitute themselves to the insidious Christianist organization, The Family Foundation, in Richmond. Here are highlights:

To Rep. Steve King (R-IA), the problem is not that it’s legal for employers to fire an employee for being gay. It’s that the employee made his sexual orientation publicly known in the first place.

Think Progress spoke with the Iowa congressman Monday about whether it should be legal for businesses to discriminate in their hiring and firing decisions. King said that “they shouldn’t be able to do that [to] a private business” because “they need to have freedom to operate.”

We asked if this meant that he opposed the idea of forbidding businesses from firing an employee because of her sexual orientation. “How do you know someone’s sexual orientation?” he countered, before proposing an idea similar to the recently repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy regarding gays in the military. “I would think that unless someone makes their sexuality public, it’s not anybody’s business, so neither is it our business to tell an employer who to hire.”

Nobody should have to hide who they are for fear of losing their job. Gay and lesbian people, like everyone, ought to be able to be themselves and be free from employment discrimination. Unfortunately, in King’s world, it’s an either-or proposition.

National Coming Out Day - Personal Reflections

It has been nine years since the day I started the coming process by telling my former wife that I was gay. It has been a long and very bumpy ride since then. The good news is that I am largely at the place I imagined and envisioned in my mind's eye that I wanted to achieve when I started the journey. I am in a relationship with a most wonderful guy who truly loves me and I am more or less totally out and no longer feel the need to hide or apologize to anyone. It does get better as the celebrities shown above are stating.

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Yes, coming out cost me my position with a large law firm and thousands and thousands of dollars in lost assets. But, I my soul is finally free. And I have my own law firm - something which enables me to be an activist and seek to make a difference. I need answer to no one - well, other than the boyfriend, a/k/a "Martha Stewart." Through this blog I have heard from many others starting the coming out journey I embarked upon nine years ago - one guy contacted me just last week for advice - as well as from others who have made the transition to a different life successfully. It saddens me greatly to know that a number of gay teens will never know the freedom I have found because they chose to end their lives - something I admittedly attempted myself in the past.

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Some readers have confided that they'd rather remain closeted as opposed to losing possessions and facing possible social disapproval. Obviously, each of us has to make their own decision. In retrospect, I am glad I came out despite the financial and emotional hardship that was involved along the way. I may have lost "things" but I freed my soul and found self-acceptance. Also, I honestly believe I'd be dead now if I had not made the decision to come out. I simply do not believe that I could have continued to live in the closet consumed with self-loathing. The Washington Post has a piece on coming out at work - something that remains dangerous in most states where gays can be fired at will for being gay. Here are some highlights:

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Adrian Colborn favors the show-up-and-share approach to coming out with co- workers.
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So for National Coming Out Day, on Monday (Oct. 11), Colborn said gay workers should consider how coming out can strengthen their leadership and build trust with colleagues. "There's no right or wrong answer. People need to observe their own workplace and trust their own intuition," said Colborn, 47. He suggests that gay workers should consider whether they're overly cautious or have observed something or someone that requires them to hide their sexual orientation at work.
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While three-quarters of gays are open with siblings and two-thirds are out with parents, only half consider themselves open about their sexual orientation with their boss, according to a new survey conducted by Harris Interactive.
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[I]t's still legal to fire some for being gay in more than half of states, including Virginia. He said it makes sense to come out first to a smaller group you trust. "The more you come out, the more it provides you strength," said Combs, who first came out to one person at IBM in 1987.
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Considering coming out more at work? Here are three tips:
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1. Check employee policies and handbooks to see if there are any protections offered or a nondiscrimination statement that covers sexual orientation.
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2. Find a network of other lesbian and gay staffers to guide you. And develop a mentor -- "a straight ally," as Adrian Colborn calls them. Discuss risks and potential repercussions as well as rewards of being openly gay.
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3. Read up on coming out . . .

Who Is at Fault for LGBT Losses?

Besides our fair weather friends in the Democratic Party, others bear responsibility for the loss in Maine and other areas where anti-gay politicians were elected yesterday. And to see who that is, many of us need to look in the mirror. I'm as guilty as any given all the years I lived in the closet trying to be something that I wasn't and listening to the foul anti-gay message disseminated by the Roman Catholic Church. While I am trying to make up for my past omissions, I still can only have but so much condemnation for others who are still doing what I did or for those living their lives only partly out of the closet. As Christine Quinn said at the National Equality March, it is hard for politicians and other voters who will have to look you in the face to vote for bigotry and inequality like a slim majority did in Maine yesterday. The more that all of us live out and openly as who we are and do not hide our relationships, the sooner we can achieve full citizenship. Yes, living out and openly can be scary and even dangerous at times. But the alternative is to keep living in fear and to keep being treated as less than fully human and to have our committed relationships treated as garbage. That is no way to live one's life. I did it for years and I will never do it again - never ever. Pam Spaulding has some similar reflections. Here are some highlights:

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[I]t's always the first inclination to place the blame at someone's door. The fact is that Protect Maine Equality/No On 1 did everything right, had a voter base they thought could be swayed by making gay families visible, straight allies present, and putting boots on the ground. And it didn't work. I think overall, Maine may just not have been winnable, because we understimate the power of cultural intransigence in accepting civil equality when it comes to LGBTs and marriage.
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What we all have to do is take a look in the mirror to see what needs to happen to change this -- come out of the closet, live out of the closet, be who you are - a neighbor, co-worker and friend claiming your personal equality as their peer, and to be willing to be sacrifice the comfort of the closet rather than point fingers at gay orgs, the President, Congress, the voting homophobes. As long as our numbers remain artificially small because of that closet, we will fail.
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One lesson is that LGBTs and allies must be visible, particularly to their lawmakers, at every level. As I've asked many times on the Blend, why is it we can draw thousands to a Pride Day, but only muster 200 to lobby their lawmakers face-to-face. Our priorities are screwed.
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Without all of our allies out of the closet -- those in elected positions, those with access, and those whose voices are forces to be reckoned with, we'll continue to see the unthinkable -- unconstitutional mob rule over the civil rights of a minority group. Really, some allies may simply following the President's lead -- he was so uninterested in what was going on that he claimed not to watch the election returns. With civil rights on the ballot. What does that tell you about commitment, if you're a potential ally thinking "what can I do to help?" if the POTUS is so casual about the outcome.
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But the fact is that we must not only gaze in the mirror and assess what we can each do personally to advance equality -- the gAyTM needs to close to stop the enabling. Unfortunately it seems to be one of the only ways to signal there's a problem with the lack of support from purported political allies and organizations. . . . We're definitely not on the same page, that's for sure. Otherwise we wouldn't hear the variations on "just wait until ___ occurs (midterm elections, Obama's [presumed] re-election, pick some BS of the day), we'll come back for you." That's counter-productive action in the name of "strategy" that hurts civil equality progress rather than helps.
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I truly hope that more in the GLBT community - as well as our friends and families - will get outraged enough to send a resounding message all the way to the White House, U.S. Congress and U.S. Supreme Court that more of the same is unacceptable and that we are not going to be the docile "house gays" any longer.

Coming Out At Work - Still A Dangerous Step for Many

I came across an article on coming out at work that was depressing in many ways in terms of the fear in which many LGT citizens live their lives at work. Approximately 29 states provide LGBT citizens with absolutely no employment non-discrimination protections and many employers that claim they do not discriminate in fact do so regularly. A case in point is larger law firms in Virginia: to interview at the state's leading law schools they must agree that they will not discriminate based on sexual orientation in hiring and continued employment decisions. Yet almost none of these large law firms have openly gay and lesbian attorneys and LGBT attorneys that I know at local large law firms live in constant terror of being fired should their sexual orientation become known to senior partners. Obviously, when you live in constant fear on the job, it takes a toll on one's productivity and morale as I know from my own experience before I was forced from a bigoted firm after I came out. Anti-gay discrimination - which is basically sanctioned religious based discrimination - needs to be eradicated from the workplace and we truly need legislation at the federal level to force backward states like Virginia into the 21st century. Here are some story highlights:

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I finally watched the film Milk this summer. I loved the movie and was enthralled by Sean Penn's performance. But I couldn't help but feel a bit disheartened about how little some things have changed in the 31 years since Harvey Milk's assassination.

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In July, Wall Street Journal columnist Alexandra Levit offered up these sobering statistics: "A recent Harris poll conducted with Out & Equal and Witeck-Combs Communications indicated that 44% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) participants feel unable to talk freely to co-workers about their partners, and up to 78% don't feel comfortable bringing their partners to corporate social functions."

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Curious about where my gay and lesbian pals now stood on coming out at work, I took an informal poll. Their answers ran the gamut: Those with gay-friendly employers didn't bat an eye at putting a picture of their partner on their desk or bringing them to company events. But some who worked in much more of a "don't ask, don't tell" environment kept quiet about their personal lives. "I'd love to give you a quote using my real name," said one pal who works in academia. "But I'm trying to get tenure and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that."

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The whole topic hit home again to me after visiting New York where there ARE employment protects as flawed as they might be in application. Here in Virginia I often feel that prevention of animal cruelty ranks higher with our legislators than preventing cruelty to other humans.

A Day Without A Gay

Today is targeted to be a day where all across the country gays when possible will stay home from work and hopefully donate their time to a charity or other worthwhile cause. In areas such as Hampton Roads, I suspect many gays will not call in gay for fear of being fired - sadly Virginia has NO employment non-discrimination laws protecting LGBT workers. Nonetheless, it will be interesting to see how visible the impact will be in states where being gay isn't a possible basis for immediate firing. The Huffington Post has an article that struck my interest because it (1) mentions Jason Cianciotto, Director of Wingspan, Southern Arizona's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community center who I got to know back in 2003 when I was a workshop panelist at the NGLTF Creating Change Conference in Miami, and (2) looks at the Mormon Church activities in Arizona, something that has not received enough attention. In addition, the article looks at the need for LGBT citizens to come out and tell their stories, something too few in this area have the courage to do. Here are some highlights from the HP article:

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In discussion of the setback suffered by gay rights proponents in the recent election, what happened in Arizona is often little discussed. While Proposition 8 in California has gotten most of the attention of the country, Arizona's Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender community is coming to terms with their own defeat. Arizona's Proposition 102 didn't actually change Arizona's law, which already defined marriage as between a man and a woman, but added that language to the state constitution.

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As Executive Director of Wingspan, Southern Arizona's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community center, Cianciotto described the mood of the 200-250 workshop attendees. "They're hurting. Not only was the existing anti gay marriage law codified into the state constitution, but Arizona went from being the only state to actually defeat an anti gay marriage bill," (Arizona voters defeated Proposition 107 in 2008) "to having that victory taken away from us."

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For Cianciotto, the defeat came down to two significant factors: the way the amendment was sold in Arizona, and the way in which the GLBT and progressive community responded. Not surprisingly, Cianciotto sees money as the pivotal issue. Since election day, the huge amount of money pumped into the anti gay marriage initiative in California has been well documented, and Cianciotto sited similar statistics concerning Arizona. . . . And Cianciotto believes the source of the message had a huge impact too. "When potential voters receive an anti gay marriage message sent to them by a leader that they believe to have been ordained by God, you can't overlook that."

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Cianciotto discussed a web based campaign started by Wingspan. The campaign is called Families You Know, and features stories and videos from members of the GLBT community. Launched on November 14 of this year, stories told on Families You Know are very personal and often very moving, and Cianciotto hopes this will become a nationwide effort, one he sees as a way of laying a foundation for changing how people feel, even with-and perhaps especially with -those with the most entrenched anti gay marriage beliefs.

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This isn't a pipedream for Cianciotto, it stems from his own personal experience. Raised in an Evangelical household, Cianciotto was kicked out of his home as a teenager. As a student at the University of Arizona in Tucson, Cianciotto came out of the closet while attending a Wingspan youth group. He understands the stories told on Families You Know, and also understands the reactions of those who may view them. "Some people may come to the website and for the first time see a gay person tell their story. Or they may see a story like the straight grandmother who talks about the joy of spending time with her grandchild who happens to have two dads." Cianciotto sees Families You Know as a way for the GLBT community to channel their frustration and anger into something positive, "to connect that energy into a way to effect positive social change."

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As a human being and a gay person, I have three basic demands: Recognize my relationships. Allow me to make a living. And allow me to serve my country and my countrymen. Without those three basic fundamentals, we won't achieve equality. . . . Jacobs is hopeful that the activism they saw among participants in the Equality Arizona workshops continues to grow, and Cianciotto agreed: I sensed a definite feeling among everyone there. We are moving forward, and we are not going to hide anymore.

Coming Out - But Remaing in the Closet at Work

From time to time I get e-mails from those looking for advice as to how they should proceed with living their lives. It's more than a bit intimidating and leaves me in a situation where I ultimately can only recount my own thoughts and experiences. In the final analysis, each of us must make our own decisions of how we live our lives in the context of the circumstances within which we find ourselves. Lately, I have had e-mails that from individuals who are "out" in most aspects of their lives but find themselves living in fear at work where they remain closeted. What should they do?

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Living in an area with a huge number of military personnel, many of whom are gay or lesbian, I fully understand that there are situations where one cannot be "out at work" without serious risk of losing one's job. Many of the military personnel I know and have known find being closeted at work in the military to be stifling and oppressive. Many find that they limit their social circles to small numbers all of whom they trust implicitly and live very circumscribed lives with their partners always hidden from view except with their small, safe circles. In some other instances, I have known gay servicemembers who have deliberately outed them self in order to get thrown out of the military in order that they can live their lives as normal gay/lesbian individuals. Sadly, until "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is thrown on the trash heap of history, servicemembers will have to determine whether their commands will support them and turn a blind eye towards their personal lives.

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Whichever way one decides to live their life, the most important things is not to let being in the closet at work sour the rest of your life. In particular, you must not allow the situation to interfere with your relationship with your partner. If you allow that to happen, then our/your oppressors are allowed to win. I for one do not like letting bigots win. Somehow a balance must be found where you can compartmentalize your work life from your personal life. Is this an easy task? No - I know from the period I was out myself but still closeted at work.

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In civilian employment situations, much depends upon (1) the state of one's residence and whether or not there are gay friendly employment non-discrimination laws, (2) whether or not there are employment non-discrimination protections at your place of employment, and (3) are your fears of being fired realistic or have you allowed your own paranoia and lingering internalized homophobia to blow things out of proportion. In states like Virginia, the reality is that there are no employment protections afforded to gays unless your employer has corporate diversity policies that include employment protections for LGBT employees. Some large employers do have such protections and, surprisingly, some localities and school divisions have adopted employment protections for LGBT employees even in Virginia. Thus, if you are nervous about the issue, it is important to check out the policies of your employer before coming out at work. If your employer has written employment protection policies in place, even if the ride may be bumpy, coming out discretely at work may be something feasible after all.

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If your employer has no protections in place - as was the case with one of my prior law firms, the decision to come out becomes much harder. In my own case, I ultimately came out and for the most part nobody really seemed to care. Yes, there is always a risk, and sadly, later on when the firm merged with another firm, the issue of having an openly gay partner did become an issue with the other firm and I was ultimately forced out of the merged firm (although the real reason was hidden under other fabricated reasons). My subsequent law firm after that was unconcerned and focused instead on my resume and credentials which exceed those of the other attorneys. Obviously, with my own firm now, I don't have to answer to anyone and have found that most clients' only concern is whether or not I am competent. Yes, I was afraid that some clients would leave, but my fears turned out to be unfounded.

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I'm not sure if any of the foregoing answers some of the recent questions I have received or not. I do think that if I had lived in a state that had employment non-discrimination protections, I would have come out at work earlier. Again, readers must remember that in Virginia, gay sex was a potential felony even in one's own home up until the decision in Lawrence v. Texas. Check out the legal landscape of your home state, investigate your employer's HR policies, and most importantly do NOT allow your workplace situation to destroy or lessen the rest of your life or your ability to find self-acceptance. You cannot allow the haters to win and take that part of your life.

Gay Dating - Or Why Are So Many Gay Guys Pigs?

It is a few weeks shy of one (1) year since I had my final altercation with my former long term partner and our relationship ended. After that night, we never lived under the same roof again. During most of the past almost year I have not dated at all other than a few times a month or two ago and that venture did not pan out. I've met one new guy since who seems quite wonderful, yet there are circumstances that raise questions as to whether there's a possible future on that front. Thus, a few times now I have posted a personal ad - which is actual how I met the guy that still might be a possibility - partly out of boredom and partly out of a blind hope/wishful thinking that Prince Charming is out there somewhere just waiting to discover me.

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Perhaps it's because I'm direct by nature or maybe it's the attorney in me. In any event, I am pretty specific in my ad about what I want in a guy - intelligence, stability, honesty, a desire for monogamous commitment - and what I do not want in a guy - smokers, overweight guys, guys with facial hair, guys who would not accept that my children are and always will be a part of my life. I make it clear what I'm looking for because I don't want to waste my time on hopeless endeavors nor do I want to waste someone else's time. Some of the responses I have received are unbelievable, but NOT in a good way. They range from nasty expressions of wanting nasty, kinky anonymous sex to personal attacks on me for being "arrogant" for not wanting just anyone to in one case even foul comments about my children. Am I missing something, or is it wrong to have some standards? Likewise, if I say I want someone height and weight proportionate, am I unreasonable for not being pleased with responses from guys who are borderline obese or worse?

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I truly do not get it. One jerk - the one who made comments about my children - even claimed that people like me (I assume with standards of what they want and who won't sleep with just anybody) "give the gay world a bad name." Funny, I thought it was guys - probably like the respondent - who are promiscuous and have constant random anonymous sex, use drugs, and have no values were the ones that gave us gays a bad image. Silly me. How could I be so confused? The straight world is fucked up in many ways and has its share of promiscuous sluts, but far too many gay guys seem to make those straights look pretty even keeled in comparison. In any event, my a portion of my response to this jerk was as follows:

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If refusing to settle for guys who are (a) slobs who are fat and out of shape, (b) do not care what they look like, (c) promiscuous and have sex with anything breathing, (d) have the IQ of a fruit fly, makes me arrogant, then I'm guilty as charged. . . . . It's guys like YOU that give the gay world a bad name. You're probably pissed that I wouldn't give you the time of day and, I suspect, I'd be right in doing so.

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Okay, my response wasn't very nice, but I sure felt better for it. You can insult me all you want, but take foul shots at my children, then you'd better look out. Meanwhile, I have no intention of "settling." After what I have been through in the coming out process (which has cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars not to mention much heartache and turmoil) I feel I am entitled to pick and choose who I want to have a relationship with. That said, Prince Charming, hurry the Hell up and find me!!

Study finds working “in the closet” hurts both employee and employer

The nonpartisan Rockway Institute, which conducts research on LGBT policies and programs in order to provide scientific, accurate information to the media and lawmakers, has released a new report on a study done concerning gays in the closet at work. From my own experience, I have to agree with what the stress of fear of discovery and the possible negative consequences do to you. You are not yourself, nor are you at your best and most creative. Here are highlights of the findings:

A questionnaire study of more than 500 gay, lesbian and bisexual employees across the U.S. has found that “fears about disclosing a gay identity at work had an overwhelmingly negative relationship with their career and workplace experiences and with their psychological well-being.”

The researchers, Belle Rose Ragins and Romila Singh of the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee and John M. Cornwell of Rice University, wrote “these findings were both striking and disturbing; those who reported more fear of the negative consequences of full disclosure had less positive job and career attitudes, received fewer promotions, and reported more physical stress-related symptoms than those who reported less fear.” The article, “Making the Invisible Visible: Fear and Disclosure of Sexual Orientation at Work,” was published in The Journal of Applied Psychology (2007, Vol. 92, No. 4, 1103-1118).

The researchers Ragins, Singh, and Cornwell concluded that deciding whether to come-out is an exceptionally difficult career challenge facing lesbian/gay employees that typically goes unnoticed by employers. However, the threats to employment security are real. There are no laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in 31 states, and such discrimination remains “widespread” in practice. For example, previous research indicated that between 25 and 66 percent of lesbian or gay workers had experienced discrimination. Of the participants in this study, 37 percent said they had faced discrimination because others suspected or assumed they were gay or lesbian. More than 10 percent said they had been physically harassed. More than 22 percent said they had been verbally harassed. Nearly 31 percent said they had resigned from a job, had been fired from a job or had left a job because of discrimination.

Green added: “As other recent surveys have shown, the vast majority of Americans think that it is unfair to discriminate against people for personal characteristics that are unrelated to their actual job performance. For example, the May 2007 Gallup Poll reported that 89% of Americans believe that employment discrimination against lesbian and gay people should be illegal. For those whose job it is to shape employment policies in work settings and at all levels of government, the current study’s findings should be instructive. Safety in coming-out is good for workers and employers alike.”

More information on the study can be found here: http://www.alliant.edu/wps/wcm/connect/website/Home/Research%2C+Consulting+%26+Public+Resources/Research+Institutes/Rockway+Institute/Rockway+in+the+News/Fear+at+Work+10-07

Gays who are out of the closet at work have stronger careers

This post over at Penelope Trunk - Brazen Careerist (http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/10/08/gays-who-are-out-of-the-closet-at-work-have-stronger-careers/) does have some truth to it, although I do believe being out may not be a good career move everywhere. For example, many larger law firm offices in this area have not gotten the hint yet that diverse work forces are good for business even though the employers attending Lavender Legal's job fair in Chicago this year made up a who's who of national law firms. [Hopefully, by the time the local firms figure it out, I and other pioneers will have cornered the market segment] Locally, accounting firms seem even more homophobic - HRBOR would love to find an accounting firm to join as a member. On many issues, however, the post is accurate:

There’s a lot to be said about showing our true colors. Corporate America rewards authenticity. Selisse Berry, Executive Director of Out & Equal Workplace Advocates said, “We know that when employees bring their whole lives to work, they are happier, more productive, and have decreased rate of turnover.” This makes sense because it’s hard to come across as a “normal” when people don’t know a thing about your personal life. Or worse yet, you get pegged as the person defined by work and nothing else.

David Stocum, a Life Coach who specializes in working with members of the gay community writes, “Among the benefits of coming out is a potentially more pleasant environment with less stress and more mental energy to devote to your work. You also are less likely to have resentment and workplace conflict. All these factors combine to yield overall improved job performance, which you could expect would lead to more steady career growth, better advancement opportunities and a more successful career, not to mention the improvements in mental and physical health.”

Proposed federal legislation aims to end discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity, but we know that laws with the best intentions are limited in by realities of the workplace. Discrimination from employers and repercussions from homophobic co-workers are complex and slippery to squash with laws; social acceptance among colleagues will remain a personal journey for those of us in the LGBT community.

Still, for many people, no salary is big enough to compensate for being closeted at work. There are plenty of gay-friendly companies. And the idea that you have to stay closeted because of the town you live in is also suspect. Where you live should meet your highest priorities; surely being true to yourself is one of those, and there are many options for moving to an inexpensive city that is gay-friendly.

And what happens when they see the real you? Kirk Snyder, author of The G Quotient writes, “The more people who get to know us as good neighbors, talented co-workers and company leaders, the less homophobia there will be in the world. Bigotry of any kind is rooted in fear of the unknown, so by coming out and being ourselves, we are changing the world.”