Coming Out - But Remaing in the Closet at Work

From time to time I get e-mails from those looking for advice as to how they should proceed with living their lives. It's more than a bit intimidating and leaves me in a situation where I ultimately can only recount my own thoughts and experiences. In the final analysis, each of us must make our own decisions of how we live our lives in the context of the circumstances within which we find ourselves. Lately, I have had e-mails that from individuals who are "out" in most aspects of their lives but find themselves living in fear at work where they remain closeted. What should they do?

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Living in an area with a huge number of military personnel, many of whom are gay or lesbian, I fully understand that there are situations where one cannot be "out at work" without serious risk of losing one's job. Many of the military personnel I know and have known find being closeted at work in the military to be stifling and oppressive. Many find that they limit their social circles to small numbers all of whom they trust implicitly and live very circumscribed lives with their partners always hidden from view except with their small, safe circles. In some other instances, I have known gay servicemembers who have deliberately outed them self in order to get thrown out of the military in order that they can live their lives as normal gay/lesbian individuals. Sadly, until "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is thrown on the trash heap of history, servicemembers will have to determine whether their commands will support them and turn a blind eye towards their personal lives.

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Whichever way one decides to live their life, the most important things is not to let being in the closet at work sour the rest of your life. In particular, you must not allow the situation to interfere with your relationship with your partner. If you allow that to happen, then our/your oppressors are allowed to win. I for one do not like letting bigots win. Somehow a balance must be found where you can compartmentalize your work life from your personal life. Is this an easy task? No - I know from the period I was out myself but still closeted at work.

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In civilian employment situations, much depends upon (1) the state of one's residence and whether or not there are gay friendly employment non-discrimination laws, (2) whether or not there are employment non-discrimination protections at your place of employment, and (3) are your fears of being fired realistic or have you allowed your own paranoia and lingering internalized homophobia to blow things out of proportion. In states like Virginia, the reality is that there are no employment protections afforded to gays unless your employer has corporate diversity policies that include employment protections for LGBT employees. Some large employers do have such protections and, surprisingly, some localities and school divisions have adopted employment protections for LGBT employees even in Virginia. Thus, if you are nervous about the issue, it is important to check out the policies of your employer before coming out at work. If your employer has written employment protection policies in place, even if the ride may be bumpy, coming out discretely at work may be something feasible after all.

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If your employer has no protections in place - as was the case with one of my prior law firms, the decision to come out becomes much harder. In my own case, I ultimately came out and for the most part nobody really seemed to care. Yes, there is always a risk, and sadly, later on when the firm merged with another firm, the issue of having an openly gay partner did become an issue with the other firm and I was ultimately forced out of the merged firm (although the real reason was hidden under other fabricated reasons). My subsequent law firm after that was unconcerned and focused instead on my resume and credentials which exceed those of the other attorneys. Obviously, with my own firm now, I don't have to answer to anyone and have found that most clients' only concern is whether or not I am competent. Yes, I was afraid that some clients would leave, but my fears turned out to be unfounded.

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I'm not sure if any of the foregoing answers some of the recent questions I have received or not. I do think that if I had lived in a state that had employment non-discrimination protections, I would have come out at work earlier. Again, readers must remember that in Virginia, gay sex was a potential felony even in one's own home up until the decision in Lawrence v. Texas. Check out the legal landscape of your home state, investigate your employer's HR policies, and most importantly do NOT allow your workplace situation to destroy or lessen the rest of your life or your ability to find self-acceptance. You cannot allow the haters to win and take that part of your life.