A Decade Latter - Did I Make the Right Decision?

Ten years ago today I moved out of the family home in Virginia Beach and into an apartment in the Ghent area of Norfolk in response to an ultimatum that I either go back in the closet and pretend nothing had happened or get out.  At the time, I saw my options to be (1) end my own life, most likely through a surfing "accident," or (2) try to find some sort of self-acceptance and comfort with myself as a gay man.  I decided to opt for the second alternative and moved to a sparsely furnished apartment and into a world where I knew virtually no one since despite my many past civic, political and community actives I became largely invisible to my former "friends."  Even more hurtful, some of these "friends" dragged my name through the mud and waves of gossip because of my "life style" choice.  

On the day I made the move, I experienced a mixture of anticipation and terror.  Anticipation that I might eventually actually find some kind of self-acceptance that had eluded me most of my life since realizing as a 12 year old that I was "different." That I was attracted to other guys that were "my type" - something unthinkable to someone raised in the truly f*cked up Catholic Church.  The terror came from the fact that most of the entire social world I had known was vaporized in a flash.  In its place was a black emptiness and an unknown future.  The only positive was that the weekend before the move I had come out to my parents who thankfully, did not reject me and made it clear that they would stand by me no matter what.  For this love and support I established the Hamar/HRBOR scholarship in their honor (a link is on the right side of this blog).

The ensuing decade since that August day in 2002 has been a time of great happiness on occasion.  It has also been a period of time that has contained much pain and unhappiness.  There were days where my depression was so severe I even called in to work because I could not get out of bed.  Indeed, twice the pain became so bad that I opted to end my life.  Once via a bottle of Xanax and the other via alcohol and carbon monoxide.  Obviously, since I am writing this post these attempts failed.  Do I regret failing?  Actually, I'm not sure even today.

On the positive side of things, I have a wonderful loving and caring man in my life who loves me for reasons I candidly will never understand.  I tell him that he must have suffered severe head trauma.  It's a standing joke, but I truly don't know what he sees in me.  I also have a good relationship with my youngest child.  And I feel that I have done some positive things for the local LGBT community through founding HRBOR, my activities in Hampton Roads Pride and the EV Legends effort, and my VEER column.

On the negative side, my legal career has been largely destroyed.  As an openly gay man, I am radioactive in the eyes of all of the larger local firms.  And since few firms in this area have national clients, moving away from Hampton Roads with a portable client base proved impossible.  I started my own firm largely because I had no other choice.  Adding to the financial disaster was the anti-gay bigotry and bias I experienced among members of the Virginia judiciary.  One judge even stated in writing that being gay was a choice and, therefore, I needed to be punished for my choice.  Welcome to Virginia!  Another negative is that some of the family wounds that developed in the divorce may never fully heal.

Getting back to the title of this post.  Did I make the right decision?  I candidly don't know at times.  It has been an extremely hard ten years and has included some of the most painful experiences of my life time.  Along the way I've been asked if being gay ruined my life.  My answer is a resounding "No."  There is nothing inherently wrong with being gay and the difficulties gays experience isn't because of their sexual orientation.  No, the evil comes from homophobia and the hate and intolerance preached by those who cling to ignorance and mythical Bible passages - often as a means of enriching themselves or dealing with their own f8cked up psyches. 

As for the option I did not pursue a decade ago, it still exists.  And strangely, I take comfort in that knowledge.

Continued Homophobia in the Legal Profession

ENDA appears to be going nowhere this year and as a result LGBT employees in a majority of states - including ever backwards Virginia - will continue to have no employment non-discrimination protections. That includes LGBT attorneys and paralegals who either cannot get hired by law firms in the first place or who must live in fear in the professional closet so as to not be fired from their jobs. While this post will focus on Virginia, the problem identified occurs all over the country where states do not protect LGBT citizens from employment discrimination. As I have noted before, I was forced from a large law local firm in 2004 because I was gay - true, they tried to dress it up as something else, but one did not need to be a NASA scientist to know what was going on - and I have a good friend who experienced a similar fate when his sexual orientation was discovered at another prominent local law firm.

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The major disconnect in this wide spread picture is that most prominent law schools require interviewing employers as a condition to recruiting on campus to abide by employment non-discrimination policies that bar discrimination based on sexual orientation. In Virginia, the leading law schools, The University of Virginia School of Law (my alma mater), The College of William & Mary School of Law, The Washington & Lee University School of Law, and The University of Richmond School of Law all have such policies (click on the school to view its respective policy). Research has shown that Virginia’s mega law firms – Williams Mullen, P.C., McGuire Woods, L.L.P., and Hunton & Williams - actually have such policies in place at their firms, as does Leclair Ryan. Yet, the majority of Virginia law firms that conduct on campus interviews do NOT actually have official non-discrimintation policies that comply with the law school mandated non-discrimination policies. In fact, two local law firms - Wolcott Rivers Gates and Willcox & Savage, P.C. - have fired LGBT staff due to their sexual orientation.

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Of the other locally based law firms, one - Kaufman & Canoles, P.C. - has a nondiscrimination policy that on its face excludes sexual orientation. The rest as well as some in other parts of Virginia have non discernible non-discrimination policy whatsoever: Vandeventer Black, L.L.P., Watt Tieder Hoffar & Fitzgerald LLP, Taylor & Walker, P.C., Christian & Barton, P.C., Hirschler Fleischer, P.C., and Huff, Poole & Mahoney, P.C (Taliban Bob McDonnell's former firm). Obviously, something is seriously wrong with this picture if these firms are allowed to recruit on campus at leading laws apparently giving a wink and a nod to the law schools' non-discrimination policies. As a result, I sent the following letter to the deans of four of Virginia's top law schools asking how and why this situation exists in light of their law school's respective non-discrimination policies:

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VIA E-MAIL AND U. S. MAIL
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Paul G. Mahoney, Dean - pmahoney@virginia.edu
University of Virginia School of Law
580 Massie Road
Charlottesville, Virginia 22903-1738
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Davison M. Douglas, Dean - dmdoug@wm.edu
William and Mary School of Law
P.O. Box 8795
Williamsburg, Virginia 23187-8795
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Rodney A. Smolla, Dean - smollar@wlu.edu
Washington and Lee University
School of Law
Sydney Lewis Hall
Lexington, Virginia 24450
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John G. Douglass, Dean - jdougla2@richmond.edu
University of Richmond School of Law
28 Westhampton Way
University of Richmond, Virginia 23173
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Re: Employer Recruiting Non-Discrimination Policy
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Gentlemen:
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To introduce myself, I am an attorney (UVA Law 1977) admitted to the Virginia, Alabama, and Texas bars. To my knowledge, I am one of only two (2) publicly and professionally “out” LGBT attorneys in the Hampton Roads area – a region with a population of approximately 1.5 million residents. I am also a contributor to LGBT/political blogs. Because of my extensive involvement in the Hampton Roads LGBT community, I believe I can safely say that none of the large local law firms have any “out” attorneys. A few have LGBT attorneys who live in the closet if you will and live in fear of being fired should their sexual orientation become known.
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As the Employment Nondiscrimination Act (“ENDA”) continues to languish in the U.S. Congress, LGBT Virginians continue to have no legal employment protections against being terminated from employment or not hired in the first place due to their sexual orientation. This situation is not unique to Virginia and holds true in many other states. Each of your law schools have put in place policies that require recruiting law firms and corporations to agree to adhere to a non-discrimination policy that bars employment discrimination based on sexual orientation. For this I and others in the LGBT community applaud your institutions.
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Unfortunately, there is a major disconnect it seems when it comes to law firms actually adhering to the non-discrimination policies required by your institutions. Research has shown that while Virginia’s mega law firms – Williams Mullen, P.C., McGuire Woods, L.L.P., and Hunton & Williams - actually have such policies in place at their firms, the majority of law firms do not. Instead, they either have a policy that does not include sexual orientation – e.g., Kaufman & Canoles, P.C. – or have no stated policy that I can identify: Willcox & Savage, P.C., Vandeventer Black, L.L.P., Watt Tieder Hoffar & Fitzgerald LLP, Wolcott Rivers Gates, P.C., Taylor & Walker, P.C., Christian & Barton, P.C., Hirschler Fleischer, P.C., and Huff, Poole & Mahoney, P.C. To make matters worse, two of the named firms - Willcox & Savage, P.C and Wolcott Rivers Gates, P.C – have in the past forced LGBT individuals from those firms because of their sexual orientation.
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I am writing you for two reasons. First, I would like your reactions to the manner in which the majority of Virginia’s law firms seem to fail to follow through on their supposed agreement to abide by your institutions’ nondiscrimination policies. Second, I would like your thoughts on what your institutions can do to actually enforce your respective policies. For example, should law firms be required to have formal non-discrimination policies in place in order to interview on campus? Will there be real consequences for firms that fire attorneys and staff based on sexual orientation?
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I plan on doing a story on this issue that will be both published on some blogs as well as circulated to other writers at news outlets, bloggers and activists. I look forward to your responses. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
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Sincerely,
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If and when I receive responses from these law schools I will post one or more updates. Meanwhile, I would encourage others to contact other prominent law schools and ask how/why they allow homophobic law firms to recruit on campus notwithstanding the law school's employment non-discrimination policies for would be employers.

The Importance of Attracting and Retaining Gay Attorneys

As I have stated on many occasions, the Hampton Roads area legal community is extremely homophobic and the reality is that as an "out" attorney, I am basically deemed unemployable by local large firms. This mindset does not prevail everywhere in the South. During the National Equality March we met another UVA Law graduate who was not forced from his firm in Nashville when he came out after years of marriage and three children. In fact, he said that the firm had recently recruited an openly gay new associate. Long term - as evidenced by the "Gay Index" that I spoke of over the weekend - areas that want to be economically successful need to embrace tolerance. Sadly, Hampton Roads seems Hell bent to remain an economic and high tech backwater given its failure to welcome gays, Hispanics and other minorities. Given this reality, I found an article by BCG Attorney Search - one of the largest legal recruiters in the USA - to be further evidence of the backwardness of the local legal community. In this article, the case is made that attracting and retaining gay attorneys should be a must for law firms seeking to thrive. Here are some highlights:

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Historically, law firms have been conservative environments, and as a result, gay attorneys (which includes gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered attorneys) have largely kept their sexual orientations to themselves out of fear of being ostracized, rejected, and discriminated against. Many of us have witnessed or heard of stories in which a very highly regarded attorney’s sexual orientation was somehow disclosed (or leaked) to his or her firm, resulting in negative consequences for the attorney.

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While law firms have traditionally been unfriendly to gay attorneys and staff, changing a firm’s atmosphere can be done — and many firms are doing so with great success. While it may not be easy, as discussed in detail below, it is vitally important for firms that want to remain competitive in the marketplace, and there are some concrete steps that firms can take to help create a comfortable working atmosphere for gay attorneys.

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There is a very simple reason that firms should care about attracting and retaining gay attorneys: to help recruitment and retention of staff. . . . Gay attorneys have always made significant contributions to the law, regardless of whether their peers were aware of their sexual orientation, and in today’s incredibly competitive recruiting environment for the top lawyers, firms can only benefit from pulling from a larger pool of attorneys. Diversity also conveys a loud message that the culture of the law firm is one of inclusion, and as a consequence of this message, the firm is bound to attract the best attorneys from all walks of life.

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Firms are also feeling increased pressure from their clients to increase diversity and provide an atmosphere of inclusion for gay attorneys. Clients often ask for the firm statistics regarding gay and lesbian attorneys, and some gay business owners are more comfortable working with gay attorneys, or at least firms that support gay attorneys.

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The article then goes on to discuss steps that can be implemented to accomplish a positive change in firm atmosphere. With more and more gays living openly, the dramatically higher acceptance of gays by the younger generations, the fact that many families have a LGBT relative, and the increased number of gay owned businesses, it is simply good business to end homophobic practices within law firms. Will the Hampton Roads area wake up? I'm not holding my breath and by the time the legal community wakes up to the lost opportunity, I hope I have cornered much of the LGBT market. (I am also marketing to the Hispanic community and other groups that currently are looked down upon by arrogant and homophobic law firms.)

Coming Out At Work - Still A Dangerous Step for Many

I came across an article on coming out at work that was depressing in many ways in terms of the fear in which many LGT citizens live their lives at work. Approximately 29 states provide LGBT citizens with absolutely no employment non-discrimination protections and many employers that claim they do not discriminate in fact do so regularly. A case in point is larger law firms in Virginia: to interview at the state's leading law schools they must agree that they will not discriminate based on sexual orientation in hiring and continued employment decisions. Yet almost none of these large law firms have openly gay and lesbian attorneys and LGBT attorneys that I know at local large law firms live in constant terror of being fired should their sexual orientation become known to senior partners. Obviously, when you live in constant fear on the job, it takes a toll on one's productivity and morale as I know from my own experience before I was forced from a bigoted firm after I came out. Anti-gay discrimination - which is basically sanctioned religious based discrimination - needs to be eradicated from the workplace and we truly need legislation at the federal level to force backward states like Virginia into the 21st century. Here are some story highlights:

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I finally watched the film Milk this summer. I loved the movie and was enthralled by Sean Penn's performance. But I couldn't help but feel a bit disheartened about how little some things have changed in the 31 years since Harvey Milk's assassination.

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In July, Wall Street Journal columnist Alexandra Levit offered up these sobering statistics: "A recent Harris poll conducted with Out & Equal and Witeck-Combs Communications indicated that 44% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) participants feel unable to talk freely to co-workers about their partners, and up to 78% don't feel comfortable bringing their partners to corporate social functions."

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Curious about where my gay and lesbian pals now stood on coming out at work, I took an informal poll. Their answers ran the gamut: Those with gay-friendly employers didn't bat an eye at putting a picture of their partner on their desk or bringing them to company events. But some who worked in much more of a "don't ask, don't tell" environment kept quiet about their personal lives. "I'd love to give you a quote using my real name," said one pal who works in academia. "But I'm trying to get tenure and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that."

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The whole topic hit home again to me after visiting New York where there ARE employment protects as flawed as they might be in application. Here in Virginia I often feel that prevention of animal cruelty ranks higher with our legislators than preventing cruelty to other humans.