I've received a number of messages of support and concern from readers - and even some phone calls from local readers - in respect to my recent emotional upheaval and mention of suicide in the midst of the ongoing post divorce wars. To be candid - and I've been open on this blog from its outset to pretty much everything going on in my life - the week before last I had three near complete emotional melt downs that resulted in the boyfriend taking me for a mental health assessment around midnight a week ago Friday. Because of my prior overdose attempts - particularly the one in October, 2006, after an all day crucifixion in court during the divorce when I came very close to succeeding in killing myself - I was very concerned that I was going to end up being admitted or that as soon as we left the police would be called to pick me up. *
Fortunately, with the assurances of the boyfriend that he would be with me constantly throughout the weekend and my promises that I'd not harm myself and that I'd make an appointment on Tuesday morning with a psychiatrist to get back on medication, I was allowed to leave. As I promised, I did see a psychiatrist - who turned out to be very gay affirming - and I'm once again on anti-depressants (I had stopped therapy and anti-depressants about a year or so ago principally because of the cost involved). I also have a new supply of xanax to deal with anxiety attacks which seem to hit most often in the middle of the night. The boyfriend is the keeper of the xanax which he doles out to me one pill at a time since in October, 2006, I overdosed on a full bottle of the stuff. I'm also working on finding a new therapist since my former therapist has retired. Hopefully, I can find someone I like on the first try.
*
No doubt readers may wonder why I cannot hold it together better. In a nutshell it's because of the constant ongoing court hearings the former wife keeps initiating and my knowledge/fear that as a gay man the likelihood of me receiving fair treatment by the Court is near nil. The original divorce judge is a homophobic far right Catholic who apparently subscribes to the myth that being gay is a "choice" and that, therefore, I deserved to be severely punished for my sinfulness (other gays going through divorces have recounted similar experiences with this judge). The judge for the most recent round of hearings was a political appointee of the most delusional far right member of the Virginia Senate and in my opinion has the same mind set as the other homophobic judge. Oh yes, she claims when challenged that she's not biased, but in my opinion as Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "the lady doth protest too much.
*
I truly want this nightmare over. Through all this the boyfriend has been wonderful. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
2 comments:
Dude, I wish I knew what to tell you. I really do. I hate that you have to go through all of this shit and I wish that you could find the peace in your life that you need to be able to thrive and flourish.
I am very thankful that the boyfriend is such a fantastic support for you. It is good for you to get back on the medication. I know the agony of wanting to end it all. I haven't been persecuted by the courts (and former family) as you have, but there have been a few occasions when it was all I could do to NOT do myself in. So glad you're getting help. You are a beacon of hope for many people who are trying to find their way out of the closet, particularly those who have been hiding for a very long time. Keep shining, Michael.
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