I get attacked frequently - usually by someone "anonymous," but not always - who accuse me of having been "selfish" for coming out of the closet and thereby causing upheaval to my former wife and family. According to these folks, I - and by analogy all gays and lesbians who married in a desperate effort to be what family, society, and our respective religious traditions told us we had to be - should forever remain in the closet and embrace a life sentence of unhappiness and no chance of finding self acceptance. In short, for the benefit of others we should accept a life time of unhappiness and it is not selfish of our families to want to condemn us to such a life. *
In some ways I'm not surprised by such comments since I suspect than most are made by Christianists who really care nothing about whether or not LGBT Americans are happy in their lives - and who, in fact, probably would like to see us all dead or at least invisible. But then there are others who make the same kind of comments even as they claim to allegedly care about me/us. They would condemn us to the same life sentence of unhappiness.
*
If deciding to come out is "selfish," isn't even more selfish for a straight spouse - such as my former wife - to demand that a gay spouse should go back in the closet and never, ever come out (I can still picture where we were standing when this demand was made) so that the straight spouse's world remains undisturbed? Frankly, in my view such a demand shows that the straight spouse in reality cares nothing about the gay spouse - and likely never did in truth. Instead, the straight spouse's comfort, life style, and avoidance of perceived social embarrassment are more important that whether the gay spouse is condemned to a life of living Hell. In my own case, when I did not agree to that demand, I was then told to move out. Then when I did so, I was subsequently accused of "walking away from my family." Even though I drove myself into bankruptcy trying to continue to take care of them.
*
Again, which is more selfish action: (1) to come out and try to accept one's sexual orientation and refuse to continue to live a lie, or (2) demand that someone live a lie for the rest of their life, knowing that to do so will cause them unhappiness and self-hate - just so the straight spouse/children's comfortable lifestyle isn't disturbed? It's an issue that I have thought about alot of late as the post-divorce nastiness and attacks have reached incendiary levels. Should I have sold my soul and remained an unhappy person so that others could avoid disruptions in their lives? To date, the former wife and the homophobic judges I've faced have resoundingly viewed me as the selfish one and done all in their power to punish me. As for my children, other than in the case of my youngest child, the verdict seems to still be out and fluctuates.
*
I'd like to know what others think. Did I do something horrible in coming out? Or did others demand something even more horrible in demanding that I live a life of inner turmoild and self-hate? Who is the more selfish?
5 comments:
Dear Michael,
Good to be getting your posts, even tho you were maybe going to take some weekend time off?!
From my straight point of view, of course you did the right thing. You had to or you would wither and die, becoming resentful in the process. Not good for anyone. Moving on and healing is best.
To do that, wouldn't it be wise to give up the competition, if possible, as to who's more selfish, who's more honorable...? Who cares who's more selfish? You did what you had to do in order to live. So be it!
Rooting for you, as always, and hanging on tight for Tuesday's Prop. 8 news.
Be well!
I think that it is selfish to demand that someone live a lie for the rest of their lives
I also believe that living a lie is an act of selfishness towards yourself.
It's difficult, it's terribly emotional, you're bound to hurt someone no matter what you do in this kind of situation. But you have a strength that is absolutely amazing. The amount of courage it took for you to come out is astonishing. I admire that.
I admire you're coming out. I didn't have that courage and lived a lie for a long time with serious consequences for my personality and happiness. My wife had a untimely death from cancer and although that unhappy event had many consequences, it took me a long time to come to deal with the lies about my preference. I wish I had the courage for to have made a different choice.
As for your ex, we can't blame ourselves for other peoples' behavior. They're going to do with what they're going to do. We can be the best we can be. I feel for your kids who sound like they have to witness damage being done to their father.
Michael,
I still have not had the courage that you did in coming out. Still very much in the closet. I do ocasionally meet other men for a fling and that weighs on my conscience. But the alternatives are abstenance or ... I actually did come out to my wife once. She was so devastated that I could not bear the pain I was causing and retracted it. So, she really does know, but we have a implicit understanding to continue to live the lie.
That really does suck when I write it down that way. Anyway, I do enjoy reading your blog. It gives me courage to se what you have had to go through and I hope to someday take that plunge myself...
You did right to come out. Bear in mind however,that many straight spouses take time to absorb the whole experience. Once gay people realize who they are, they move with what can seem like lightening speed to the straight spouse. Doesn't mean you should go back in the closet though.
Yeah, I'm a straight ex wife. My ex is still deeply closeted, hates himself, hates me. I refused to live in his closet.
Coming out is a family affair when you are married to a straight person, and you do have to deal with the experiences and realities of the spouse and children - those needs cannot be ignored. Sometimes its just a question of negotiating some personal boundaries.
Post a Comment