Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Early Morning Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday - I generally try to pretend that they are not happening - and haven't yet decided whether to wear all black today or not. :) The day has started out, however, in a very special way already. My incorrigible angel sent wonderful birthday wishes that he must have pre-programmed weeks ago to make sure that no matter what I received his birthday greetings. Since he is very private, I cannot direct readers to them, but suffice it to say, they were beautiful thoughts and delivered in a very imaginative way. I thank him from the bottom of my heart.
That pleasant surprise was followed by an early telephone call with birthday wishes from a special someone that I have started seeing. The water lily photo is very much like that on a special card he made for me - he's creative and artistic - which I could never replicate. This evening, he is having something special for me so I have something to look forward through out the day. I likewise thank him for touching my heart already today. Before the day is out, I'm sure I'll have more calls from my children and family members too.
Compared to a year ago, I am in a very different place spiritually and in terms of being comfortable with who I am. Yes, outwardly, I had adjusted to being an out gay man, but I guess that sense of ease with who I am had not yet be fully internalized. Added to that, my relationship with my former partner had ended badly and I was in some ways a sleep walker for some months after that. He and I still talk from time to time and he seems to have met someone nice, which makes me happy. I always wanted him to be happy and I surely was not giving him that due to fate, random chance, misalignment of the stars or whatever reason. Added to that, my divorce was still in a very brutal phase and was something that always clouded the horizon for me and provided a constant source of pain.
Now, I feel that I've come into my own somewhat, if you will. At 56, my finances have not recovered from the divorce, a law firm imploding, etc., but I like who I am. To me, that sense of being comfortable in my own skin is beyond priceless. It is something that eluded me for so many years and decades. I am also doing a much better job of living in the moment and not driving myself crazy engaging in the illusion of trying to control the future while missing the joy to be experienced in the now. True, I still have improvement to make in not allowing myself to feel the old habit of letting panic start to touch me, but I'm light years from where I was before I began the coming out process. Coming out is not an easy process or for the feint of heart. But, if i had not done it, in addition to probably being dead from suicide, I'd never have found my real self.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday!!!