One Million Page Views - Thank You

While this blog remains small compared to the blogs of some of my LGBT blogger friends (e.g., Joe Jervis and Andy Towle, Bil Browning who invited me to contribute to The Bilerico Project), a few minutes ago the blog nonetheless reached what to me is a significant benchmark: 1,000,000 page views.  Little did I ever believe when I began this blog that I would continue to blog for as along as I have - it becomes addicting - or that I'd ever experience the type of readership that I have enjoyed from literally all around the world.   

When I first began this blog, I was admittedly in a dark place.  Early readers and LGBT bloggers who I came to know became a cyberspace family and lifeline for me.  I truly question whether or not I would have survived my coming out journey without you.  You know who you are.  I will always be grateful to each of you.

So, again, I want to thank all who have visited this blog, especially repeat readers and my early supporters.  I will continue to try to share my thoughts and information in a way that I hope will be usefully and informative.

A Sincere Thank You to Readers

As the counter on this blog on the lower right indicates, since I first added the counter, the blog has had over 250,000 distinct visitors from 198 countries. More over, the behind the scenes analytics on the blog indicate that currently the blog is receiving over 27,000 pages views per month. Compared to some blogs, it's still petty ante, but I am truly amazed and humbled that so many of you have found my efforts of interest and that some of you have been amazingly loyal since the very beginning of the effort.

This blog began as a form of therapy for me when I truly needed it desperately during some of my very, very dark days of my coming out journey and horrific divorce saga. It also served as a means for me to share my journey and hopefully allow others to benefit from my mistakes and my my successes along the way as well. It has been amazing to hear stories from others literally around the globe in reaction. One of the hardest things in coming out is the feeling at times that one is utterly alone. Time and time again readers made it clear that I was never truly alone. And for that I cannot thank you all enough.

Focus On the Rainbow Editor in Auto Accident

One of the first blogger friends I made when I first launched this blog in earnest back in April, 2007, was Lyndon Evans, editor of Focus on the Rainbow and a contributor to Pam's House Blend. Sadly, Lyndon was in a car accident Friday night/Saturday morning. He had an allergic reaction and passed out while driving and struck another car, then a pole, then a tree. Lyndon has had successful surgery and is doing relatively well and I hope to get to talk to him by telephone tomorrow evening.

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I hope readers will keep Lyndon in their thoughts and prayers. He's been a consistent true friend to me through the tough times: horrible divorce, break up with the ex-boyfriend and my suicide attempt back in late September, 2009. He has a heart of gold and I wish him a speedy recovery.
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Lyndon, you mean a lot to many of us. Please know that we love you.
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NOTE: I will provide an update once I talk to Lyndon directly.

Key West - Escape to Paradise

As regular readers know, it has been a rough week and a half to two weeks for me with the loss of my mother. What has helped me go on emotionally and psychologically more than anything else is the boyfriend, my youngest daughter and my "extended gay family," including readers who have been wonderfully supportive. Would that some of my siblings were as supportive. I have very much needed a get away and the annual pilgrimage if you will to Key West has been a life saver. As is the norm, there are a number of "the usual suspects" from Hampton on the trip and we have connected with friends who likewise visit this same week each year and also stay at the Oasis on Fleming Street abut four blocks off of Duval Street. Today was a lazy day that included hanging out by the pool - see the bottom photo below. Then we went to "tea dance' at La Te Da's - where gays, straight retirees, and others have a great time - where we saw Christian Slater hanging out and listening to the dance music.

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[A]fter tea dance, we went to a new restaurant just off of Duval called Fin where we experienced a beautiful decor, wonderful food and a great (and great looking) wait staff (see the photo above). For anyone planning a visit to Key West, I recommend trying out Fin. And for those who have never visited this wonderful island paradise, I cannot recommend it enough.

Waiting For My Mother's Impending Death

As I mentioned in a post last week, my mother's health has been deteriorating rapidly after battling cancer for over 14 years. She moved to a hospice in Charlottesville earlier in the week and has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. Last night we children all received a call at 3:15 AM that things were looking grim. We don't know at this point whether she will make it through the day or not. Blogging will be spotty at best. I am putting up this post since I know that some long time readers will be on the verge of checking on me. I thank them in advance for the loyalty and concern. The photo above is from the beach at our summer home in the Adirondacks which fortunately my mother got to see one last time this past summer. It is one of her favorite places in the world.

My Readers - Thank You

There have truly been times in the past when the support - and I'd call it almost something akin to love - from readers has kept me going and carried me through some truly dark days. My readers have been my cyberspace lifeline. Sometimes the support comes in the form of an e-mail from Melbourne, Australia; other times it's an e-mail from the Loire Valley of France; or a kind e-mail from the state of Delaware. And other times it's in the form of a note or gift that makes writing this blog something special. Today at the office I received a sweet card and a gift from a reader named Stephen and his partner, Keelung, that brightened up my somewhat brooding mood that haunted me much of the day. Among other things, the author of the note said "keep the photos and the blog coming . . . your loyal subscribers." I will do my best to live up to expectations in the coming year.
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As I have noted before, writing a blog such as this one brings many things ranging from the bad - e.g., occasional death treats and rantings from Christianist extremists - to the sweet and caring such as today's note and gift. I hope my effort and venting here also helps others who are traveling a journey of coming out in mid life (it's frightening, but a number of folks ask for my advice and I hope my thoughts are of help) or other tribulations who may learn from my errors and missteps and hopefully find the happiness and self-acceptance we all seek.

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Thank you to each and every one of you - last month there were over 14,000 page visits. It means so very much to me. Most especially on days like today when I've needed a boost in spirits.

My Readers - A Sincere Thank You

From time to time readers overwhelm me with their kindness and thoughtfulness. The Internet has a strange ability to link one to others even though you have never met in person. Numerous times when I have needed a lift out of the blue has come an amazing e-mail message - perhaps from France or Australia - or some other evidence that someone finds meaning and/or comfort in my blogging endeavors Today was such a day when I opened an envelop at the office only to find a sweet card and a gift from Stephen, a reader in San Francisco. Stephen, be assured that I will apply your thoughtful donation to my debt elimination fund vis-a-vis my former wife. Please know that your card and thoughtfulness touched me greatly!!

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Blogging can become additive in many ways, but what always means the most is the contact and sense of connection I have with my supportive readers. Thank you one and all.

The End of a Blog - Unite the Fight

On of the amazing benefits from blogging is the interesting and innovative people one finds in the blogosphere. Through common activism and interaction with other bloggers relationships are formed that are hard for non-bloggers to understand. By cross-linking and following others' blogs, sharing links, passing on tips on posts and commenting on the efforts of other bloggers a true bond develops - even though oft times you've never met the other blogger in person. Today I received an e-mail from Phillip Minton at Unite the Fight indicating that due to other commitments and related factors, he was uploading his last post to the blog and that while the blog would remain online for some time, the blog's life was coming to an end.

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I have thought at times that I should perhaps cease blogging. But, in an unexplainable way, one's blog becomes a part of them. Thus, deciding to cease posting for good is a very emotional experience. On the other side of the equation is the amount of time it takes to blog daily and endeavor to provide informed information and commentary.

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Fortunately, Phillip will not be disappearing entirely and will be a contributing writer to Karen Ocamb's LGBT Pov. I wish Phillip the best in his future endeavors and look forward to reading his pieces at LGBT Pov. I have truly enjoyed following Phillip's passionate blogging. I hope that Phillip also knows that he always has a platform on this blog if he needs to satisfy his blogging urge.

Love and Support From Around the World

Recently, I have received some absolutely beautiful messages from readers that have been most supportive of me and thanking me for writing this blog. Today, I received such a message from a reader in the Loire Valley region of France. I responded to the author privately, but also wanted to say a public "thank you." Personally, I feel the thanks should go out to readers and not vice versa. I had been rather down emotionally this morning over financial issues, so the message was a wonderful gift that literal re-energized me.

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Having passed the 150,000 visitor mark a short while ago, I am amazed (and thrilled) that people continue to find value/entertainment in what I write. All too often, it's the threatening/insulting messages from Christianists and hate filled homophobes that welcome me upon logging on to the computer in the morning. While such messages can be disconcerting, the fact that they hit a raw nerve with their authors means to me that perhaps I have hit upon the truth in voicing my opinions and views. In Virginia, James Dobson's minions at The Family Foundation even follow the blog and regularly get their panties in a wad.

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Candidly, this blog has come to mean a great deal to me and it has allowed me to get to know individuals that I would otherwise never have connected with, both within the blogging community, gay rights organizations, and in the local LGBT community. There have even been days where not wanting to "fail my readers" in terms of surviving has helped hold me back from otherwise dangerous thoughts. Together with the boyfriend, friends and family members, this blog is often a lifeline for me. I want to again say "thank you" to all my loyal readers, including Tim in France.

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While we joke about it, the boyfriend knows that his only real "rival" other than my children is the Internet and this blog. He says at times, he'd expect to find me convulsing on the floor if I was not able to log on for an extended period of time. I am addicted - that much I will confess. And he indulges me in this passion of mine.

Happy New Year!!!

The annual New Year's Eve fireworks display illuminates the sky over Sydney Harbour on December 31, 2009 in Sydney, Australia.

The boyfriend and I are going to a New Year's Eve party hosted by the "Ocean View Posse," a group of lesbians and their allies, who are using the net proceeds from the affair to benefit Operation Homefront which assists service members of the military overseas. Obviously, in this area with its huge number of military personnel, there are many such families. After that we may finish up at a party at neighbors down the street.

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I will do a retrospective on 2009 tomorrow. However, until then, I want to wish my readers around the world a Happy New Year! I suspect most people do not understand the relationship that develops between a blog author/editor and their readers and other bloggers. It truly becomes a part of you and an emotional lifeline. I want to thank each and every one of you for visiting the blog and becoming such friends even though we have never met in person. Have a wonderful and safe holiday.

Michael

My Readers - I Love Them

UPDATED: I also want to thank Gerald in Melborne, Australia for a wonderfully moving and kind e-mail. He has an amazing story of his own to tell and his words to me were most inspiring.

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I was seriously depressed the other morning and having another round of suicidal thoughts. I was more or less exhausted emotionally and financially and just wanted it all to stop. With support from the boy friend and other friends I survived the Court hearing today and have rallied again at least for now. I have two more dates hanging over me still - one in mid-June and the other in October as the ex-wife works to make me account for every penny of non-existent income that exists only in her mind. In any event, the response I received from many of you was amazing and I cannot tell you how much it means to me. My readers - along with the boy friend (I'm at his place tonight and I truly do not know what I'd do without him in my life) and my children - are often one of my most reliable life lines. You all provide me with good advice and support. The messages came from all over the USA, parts of Canada, and one even came from as far away as Brisbane, Australia. Here is a sampling of a few of the many e-mails I received:

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Michael: You are so important to thousands of us. We count on you and depend on you. Always I remember that, over a year ago, I sent you an email in despair about coming out in middle age as you did. You did not know me--you still don't--yet you replied as though you had known me for years. I think about, and reread your message to me, frequently. it has gotten me through many a day. I hope the knowledge of how much you have come to mean to this community will strengthen you in your current trials. And that, with competent and capable legal advice, you can bring a close to the divorce chapter soon. Courage!

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Hi Michael, You've been -- and continue to be -- an enormous help to me and to others, just by being authentically you. I get the hopelessness that some things seem to never get better, and they may be getting worse. It's exhausting. Recently I started a new counseling relationship, and the right person can be such a help. Just having someone listen and understand is therapeutic. You have more strength now than before, and more support, too. It may be the pits, but it's worth it to keep going.

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Michael, I care about you. I wish I knew what to say, or that there would be anything to say that would help make it better for you. It is tough, I know. And I can tell you that things will get better, but whenever I'm very depressed those words don't help me much. I guess the only thing I can really say is that I care about you. Hang on, Michael. Just hang on.

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Michael, I don't know if I've offered before, but if you ever feel as if there is no one else who will understand. you're at the end of your rope, and you're ready to acquire the tools of your self-destruction, call me. Put my number in your phone now and remember that I do understand. . . . You do have the BF. Take comfort in him.Remember that you have value. You prove it all the time, you just don't give yourself credit for it.

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The suicidal thoughts – well I’m not going to yell at you and tell you not to. Having been there myself, I know that makes no difference to how you feel. What I do, even when I’m at my absolute worst, is challenge myself. Whether it is to make it through the next day, the next hour, the next five minutes. And keep doing this until I know I don’t need to. It may take longer (months) than I like, but it’s one way to keep yourself determined to live. It helps me, anyway. Good luck, thoughts are with you. xx
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Of the numerous writers, only two have met me in person. The others are fellow bloggers or readers. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I love all of you.

Can Blogging Make You Happier?

I have on occasions said that this blog is a form of therapy for me and that through it I have developed a cyberspace support network that has helped me get through some very dark days. My online circle of friends has likely saved my life, in fact, during times that I was most beaten down by the anti-gay bias and homophobia I experienced in my divorce case (which sadly, continues to be an issue and which at times makes taking a bottle of pills look like an attractive option). Now a new study on bloggers seems to confirm that I am not the only one who derives positive emotional benefits from blogging. While the study involved college students, I believe that the benefits are not limited to those in that age bracket. Here are some highlights from PsychCentral:

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Can blogging make you happier? According to researchers in Taiwan, the answer is “Yes.” The researchers (Ko & Kuo, 2009) administered a 43-item self-report survey to 596 college students who were mostly between ages 16 and 22 . . . . The college students were young adults who had blogging experience, and specifically with blogging for the purpose of keeping a personal journal.

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The researchers found support for deeper self-disclosure from bloggers resulting in a range of better social connections. These included things such as a sense of greater social integration, which is how connected we feel to society and our own community of friends and others; an increase in social bonding (our tightly knit, intimate relationships); and social bridging — increasing our connectedness with people who might be from outside of our typical social network.

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They also hypothesized and found support from their data that when these kinds of social connections increase or grow deeper through blogging, a person will also feel a greater subjective sense of well-being or happiness.

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Can blogging help you feel more connected with others and, in turn, increase your own sense of well-being and happiness? Apparently so, at least amongst college students. And even if the results don’t generalize quite so strongly to others, the data indicate a trend that suggests there continues to be benefits of journaling — whether public or private. Public journaling — blogging — however, results in the addition of these improvements in social connectedness, something you just can’t get from a private diary.

Blogger Meet Up

I received a telephone call today from my blogger friend Java Jones of My Life or Something Like It who lives in South Carolina. I was thrilled to find out that she is coming to the Norfolk/Virginia Beach area. We have been in contact for many months (since at least August of 2007) via e-mail, comments and occasional telephone calls and Java, a/k/a Doris, is a real sweetheart. Anyone who has not checked out her blog should do so. She and her husband have gaiven a home to two gay teenagers who were thrown out of their homes for being gay. She's a true angel of mercy. We were going ot get together tonight, but her drive in from Baltimore is taking longer than expected and it's getting late (i.e., 9:45 PM and she's still an hour out). Thus, we will get together tomorrow sometime. She will be staying with relatives in Virginia Beach about 25 minutes from me. I cannot wait to meet her in person, give her a big hug and no doubt share stories and I suspect many laughs and special moments.