UPDATED: I also want to thank Gerald in Melborne, Australia for a wonderfully moving and kind e-mail. He has an amazing story of his own to tell and his words to me were most inspiring.
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I was seriously depressed the other morning and having another round of suicidal thoughts. I was more or less exhausted emotionally and financially and just wanted it all to stop. With support from the boy friend and other friends I survived the Court hearing today and have rallied again at least for now. I have two more dates hanging over me still - one in mid-June and the other in October as the ex-wife works to make me account for every penny of non-existent income that exists only in her mind. In any event, the response I received from many of you was amazing and I cannot tell you how much it means to me. My readers - along with the boy friend (I'm at his place tonight and I truly do not know what I'd do without him in my life) and my children - are often one of my most reliable life lines. You all provide me with good advice and support. The messages came from all over the USA, parts of Canada, and one even came from as far away as Brisbane, Australia. Here is a sampling of a few of the many e-mails I received:
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Michael: You are so important to thousands of us. We count on you and depend on you. Always I remember that, over a year ago, I sent you an email in despair about coming out in middle age as you did. You did not know me--you still don't--yet you replied as though you had known me for years. I think about, and reread your message to me, frequently. it has gotten me through many a day. I hope the knowledge of how much you have come to mean to this community will strengthen you in your current trials. And that, with competent and capable legal advice, you can bring a close to the divorce chapter soon. Courage!
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Hi Michael, You've been -- and continue to be -- an enormous help to me and to others, just by being authentically you. I get the hopelessness that some things seem to never get better, and they may be getting worse. It's exhausting. Recently I started a new counseling relationship, and the right person can be such a help. Just having someone listen and understand is therapeutic. You have more strength now than before, and more support, too. It may be the pits, but it's worth it to keep going.
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Michael, I care about you. I wish I knew what to say, or that there would be anything to say that would help make it better for you. It is tough, I know. And I can tell you that things will get better, but whenever I'm very depressed those words don't help me much. I guess the only thing I can really say is that I care about you. Hang on, Michael. Just hang on.
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Michael, I don't know if I've offered before, but if you ever feel as if there is no one else who will understand. you're at the end of your rope, and you're ready to acquire the tools of your self-destruction, call me. Put my number in your phone now and remember that I do understand. . . . You do have the BF. Take comfort in him.Remember that you have value. You prove it all the time, you just don't give yourself credit for it.
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The suicidal thoughts – well I’m not going to yell at you and tell you not to. Having been there myself, I know that makes no difference to how you feel. What I do, even when I’m at my absolute worst, is challenge myself. Whether it is to make it through the next day, the next hour, the next five minutes. And keep doing this until I know I don’t need to. It may take longer (months) than I like, but it’s one way to keep yourself determined to live. It helps me, anyway. Good luck, thoughts are with you. xx
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Of the numerous writers, only two have met me in person. The others are fellow bloggers or readers. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I love all of you.
