Christianists and Far Right Continue to Claim that Norway's Breivik Wasn't One of Them

Personally, I believe that the facts and a connection of the dots if you will referenced in Anders Breivik's self-described "Manifesto" make the conclusion very clear: Brevivik is the not too surprising end product of the constant hate and militant language of Christianists and anti-Muslim zealots on both sides of the Atlantic. It's a reality that I suspect many in the far right acknowledge in their hearts even as they disingenuously shriek that Breivik wasn't really one of them. They can yell and scream and posture all they want, but the truth is that Breivik took their their hate speech and propaganda to be true and put it into concrete action. An example of this phenomenon of haters trying to disavow the fruits of their own actions is self-described religious leader Michael Brown who has a piece in Townhall.com. Take a good look at the photo via The Telegraph of Tore Eikeland, age 21, one of Breivik's young victims, set forth above. It's individuals like Brown who have helped set the stage for the murderous rampage of Breivik - and future Breiviks in our midst. And Brown's not alone. With him are many in the GOP and professional Christians like Tony Perkins, Don Wildmon, Linda Harvey, Maggie Gallagher and many others. Here a sampling of Brown's drivel:
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[T]he murderous acts of Anders Breivik in Norway will be seen as proof that conservative Christians in America might just turn violent too, as if the demented actions of an anti-Muslim, anti-multiculturalist Norwegian have anything to do with the spiritual, moral, and cultural aspirations of American Christ-followers who espouse the non-violent teachings and example of the Master himself.
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Sadly, the atmosphere in our country has become so toxic that venerable ministries like Focus on the Family and the American Family Association have been branded as “hate groups” by the Southern Poverty Law Center, while People for the American Way sends out regular warnings about evangelical Christian leaders on its RightWingWatch website. And this will surely intensify in the days to come in the wake of the tragedy in Norway.
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Let us, then, who call ourselves conservative Christians, redouble our efforts to expose the folly of these false charges, overcoming evil with good and hatred with love, thereby proving ourselves to be genuine followers of Jesus.
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Right Wing Watch has more examples of hate merchants playing the victim here. Excuse me as I run to the bathroom and vomit.

Letting Go of Your Internalized Homophobia

AUTHOR COMMENT: This post is a re-posting of a piece I posted over two years ago. I was prompted to republish it based on an e-mail I received from a reader yesterday who finds himself in territory I once knew: married with children, unable to any longer keep up the denial of the truth about himself, and contemplating how to find the strength/courage to tell his wife he's gay. It's a horrible place and is frightening in so many ways as one wonders how they will survive the coming out journey and what will be the reaction of loved ones, friends and colleagues. Because of the response the post originally received, I wanted to re-post the piece for the benefit of newer readers. This is a message which so many individuals - both those still in the closet and those struggling with religious instilled guilt - need to take to heart. It took me a long time to let go of the homophobia I had internalized over many years. Here's the post:

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The battle over Proposition 8 in California has not surprisingly made me think a great deal about the homophobes who are pushing for the measure's passage so as to deprive LGBT citizens full equality under the civil law. Those who hate us - they disingenuously claim that they don't but let's be honest, they do hate us - have been saying all kinds of hateful and divisive things about gays including how allowing us to marry "threatens western civilization." Or at least so says Tony "Klu Klux Klan" Perkins of the deceptively named Family Research Council.
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With all the hate being disseminated, I've also found myself thinking about the effort it was for me to finally put my internalized homophobia and self-loathing behind me as I made my journey through the coming out process. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy journey and included one nearly successful suicide attempt. But I survived it and now I can rightfully look with disdain/contempt on those who continue to preach hate and loathing against gays. Their goal is to not only make others hate us but to try to make us hate ourselves as well. So, how does one finally let go of the ingrained homophobic baggage accumulated over many years. For me, there were a number of things that I think allowed me to finally let go of my internalized homophobia. I will share them since I know I have many readers still going through the coming out process or living in the closet based on the e-mails I receive.
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1. If you haven't already figured it out on your own, do some reading and get yourself up to date on the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are religious, accept the fact that God/Allah (or whatever deity you worship) made you gay and it's not going to change. Why did it happen? You'll never know, so move on with your life and make the most of the hand you have been dealt.Most importantly, do NOT let others try to make you feel guilty about your sexual orientation.
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2. If you belong to a strongly anti-gay religious denomination, leave it. The sooner the better. Having been raised a Roman Catholic, other than being a Muslim, Mormon or Evangelical Christian, it would be hard find a less gay friendly denomination - particularly under the current Nazi Pope (not that the less than sainted John Paul II was any better). For me, the concurrent timing of the explosion of the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal made it all the more easy for me since it highlighted the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy of the Church's leadership. In my case, I found the ELCA to be a much better church home for me. While it's not perfect, it is far better than remaining in a denomination that calls me "inherently disordered."
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3. Related to the second item, if you are from a strong religious background, do your own reading and research. There are many other interpretations of the Bible besides the ones claimed by the anti-gay Christianists. In addition, do some reading on Bible history and you will soon learn that there were all kinds of political and non-religious issues that shaped the Bible. It's not inerrant and it's not the literal word of God, so learn the historical facts to throw back in your detractors' faces (it will have the added bonus of driving them crazy).
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4. Get a good therapist. It's most unlikely that you can make the coming out journey all alone. In my case, I found two great individuals. The first, who is actually an ordained Presbyterian minister with a Ph.D. in psychology helped me deal with the religious guilt issue. The second helped me come to see that there was a future even after a horrific divorce where I was largely put on trial for being gay. Leaving you former life is not easy - especially when you do not know what will ultimately replace it. If you don't like one therapist, then find a different one who can help you with the transition.
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5. Make gay friends - and not just the bar and/or chat room crowd. Better yet, get involved in some gay causes and organizations where - based on my experience - you will meet some amazing people. Getting to know them and observing how at peace they are with themselves and who they are will help you to further let go of the indoctrination you have received in terms of what gays are like. I can honestly say that I have met more truly genuine and decent people in the gay community since I have come out than I knew in my closeted life in my artificial and supposedly perfect former neighborhood and social circles.
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6. If possible, live your life totally out. Remaining semi-closeted be it at work or with family will continue to subconsciously tell you that being gay is bad. After all, the message you receive is that being gay is so bad that your boss/fellow employees will not want you around. Likewise, thinking that "it'll kill my parents" or that "they won't love me anymore" is giving yourself a constant message that it's wrong to be gay. Admittedly, I was lucky in that my entire extended family accepted me and treated my ex-partner as part of the family. They are likewise embracing the new boyfriend. As the father of three children, I cannot understand any parent who would disown their child because they are gay. If your parents were to disown you, remember that it is THEM, not you, who has the problem.
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7. If you feel anger at times, do not direct it at your self. Harness it for constructive purposes whether it be in working on gay rights causes, writing a blog (which I find to be good therapy), or something else.
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8. Always remember that you are a good, decent person entitled to all the rights and respect that others receive and that the fact that you are gay doesn't change that. The goal is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay and that's OK and I'm proud of who I am."

Canadian Catholic Bishops: Don't Misuse Sex in Marriage

In yet another display of the Catholic Church hierarcy's obsession with all matters sexual and a firm desire that sex not be enjoyaable - unless, apparently one is a priest raping an altar boy - the Canadian bishops have released a directive on sex in marriage which would have couples be "chaste" and only engage in sex for procreative purposes. As if the bitter old queens in dresses would know a damn thing about marriage or heterosecual sex from personal experience in the first place. Sadly, the Church remains stuck in a 13th century time warp and continues to cling to an idiotic "natural law" doctrine. The National Post has coverage of the bishops' ridiculous foray into interferring with married couples' sex lives and exerpts from the so called pastoral letter. Again I ask, why does anyone listen to these jerks? Here are story highlights:
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Canadian Catholic bishops are cautioning married couples to not get too focused on sexual acts other than intercourse, calling them a potential misuse of sex that ignore God’s intentions.
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A pastoral letter released this week by the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops calls on married couples to lead “chaste” lives — not meaning “celibate” but approaching sex with “purity of mind as well as body” and respecting the dignity of the other person.
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“That is why the sexual act has to be unitive and procreative and why some kinds of activity are not chaste,” the letter said. “Though pleasure may be present, some acts are a misuse of sex when they fall short of what God intended.”
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Hille Haker, a professor of moral theology at Loyola University in Chicago, said she is worried that the advice to married couples is a reflection of more conservative sexual attitudes that pre-date the reforms of Vatican II.

Coming out in Mid-Life: Avoiding the Guilt Trap

It seems that one of the common traps associated with coming out later in life is the tendency to take on mountains of guilt which then can nearly immobilize you and in some cases pressure one to even ponder suicide. There will likely be many that are only too happy to help in piling on this guilt as the upheaval in the lives of loved ones is seen to be “all my fault.” The consequences of this guilty is to descend in a downward spiral of self-hate and depression. Unfortunately, I hear these stories of crippling feelings of guilt frequently, from readers who are having a very rough time as they travel through their coming out journey, other bloggers in the past and even individuals I know personally in the local community.
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I am not unsympathetic to those experiencing this phenomenon and I have certainly been there myself as long time readers of this blog know full well. I even went so far as to engage in two pretty serious suicide attempts – each triggered by a combination of immense feelings of guilt, my horrific divorce and the accompanying financial ruin that went with it. In retrospect, these attempts only hurt those I cared about the most. But at the time the sense of hopelessness and guilt over everyone else’s lives being upset that I simply did not see that truth. *

So how does one avoid the guilt trap? First, stop listening to others tell you that it’s your fault. As if any of us voluntarily decided to be LGBT just for the Hell of it. Truth be told, if we did not live in a screwed up and still far too homophobic a society, there’d be no prejudice against LGBT citizens and there’d be no need for trying to conform and living in the closet in the first place. Likewise, do not buy into those who are saying that you have “ruined their lives” by coming out. Change happens to all of us and all involved can move on if they want to do so. I’d also point out that if you think about it, the message that they are sending you is that they care so little about you that they’d rather you be miserable for the rest of your life than have change forced into their lives.

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On a related note, don’t buy into the whining of those who want to play the game that they are the victim. None of those that I have known and heard from went into marriage with any evil intent or desire to harm others. Rather, they bought into society’s lie that being gay is a sin and that one had to marry and have children. Thus, in many ways, the party coming out has been victimized by the fouled up system as much victims former spouses, children and other family members. This reality is one of the reasons I so strongly challenge the lies of the “ex-gay” ministries and proponents of what I call the “choice myth.” These individuals pressure gays to marry and have children even though they know damn well that their ministries are fraudulent and that sexual orientation is not something that can “change.” Naturally, they are nowhere to be seen when such marriages fall apart hurting all involved. Nope, instead they are off conning the next gullible and religiously conflicted individual to embrace their poison.
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Remaining in the closet long term serves the needs of no one. Oh, things may seem easier, but living as someone that you’re not and depriving others of the opportunity for legitimate relationships with a straight spouse isn’t a solution. It merely compounds the problem further. That said, it is still a very rough road coming out in later life (not that it’s ever necessarily easy), but it is something all involved can survive. One needs to hang onto that truth. One also needs to realize that you are entitled to some level of happiness too - just like everyone else.

Judicial Bigotry - A Poison That Needs to End

I have written a number of times about the broken legal system that allows gays to be destroyed both financially and emotionally when they come out later in life after years of marriage. All too often the problem is due to judges who (1) allow attorneys for straight spouses to brutalize and gay bash the gay spouse and (2) say the end of the marriage is all the "fault" of the gay spouse - as if any of us asked to be gay in the first place. Even with the APA's newest report that labels "ex-gay" therapy as bogus, the religious persecution of gays by biased judges continues unabated in all too many cases. The irony in my own case is that had I been straight, I likely would have left my former wife earlier than I did - it was the closet and religious based guilt that kept me in a marriage where other than a source of money, I feel I was never really valued. As they say hindsight is 20/20.

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In response to this morning's post on yesterday's court hearing, I received a long and beautiful e-mail from a regular reader describing his own divorce nightmare. One of the things he mentioned was how when he first came out he signed a property separation agreement that basically took advantage of his emotional state and allowed the former wife to rape him financially. But for his guilt and distraught emotional state, he probably would not have "given away the store." I did pretty much the same thing early on in the process and only later did I realize how screwed I was getting. Not that any of it made a difference in my actual divorce proceeding - having tried to "do the right thing" counted for nothing. Those coming out should NOT quickly sign a inequitable separation agreement out of guilt - you have nothing to be guilty about. Here are some portions of the reader's e-mail which I am posting with his permission:

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In May of 2008 I was presented with a "Separation Agreement" which basically put all of our joint property on my wife's side of the ledger and left me with basically my 401(k), four IRA's and some land in Florida I had inherited from my parents. I signed it. Why? Well now as I look back (and with the help of a truly magnificent therapist . . . I was so consumed by guilt, by shame and by the fear that I was "destroying the family" and I would never see my daughter again (which has come partly true) that I really was in some sort of mental state that defies logic. . . . And yes, I am now involved in trying to rectify my stupidity with the help of my attorney. And all of this because I am gay and chose not to live a lie any longer.

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As for the legal shithole we call a system: had a status hearing a couple of weeks ago - oh and you think Norfolk is homophobic? My judge is a middle-aged African American woman, appointed by George Bush, and is married to a preacher with a church . . .

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Michael - there are times when I feel as if I want to just chuck it all - and I do go through periods of depression and there are times when I get so angry at our legal system, my wife and my daughter that I want to kill someone. But not myself. If for no other reason I know that I am now living MY life - not some fake existence that I have created in order to survive. I am very very much at home with who I am.

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I hope that others will learn something from my experience and that of this reader: it is NOT your fault that the marriage is ending. The fault actually lies with a f*cked up society where religious based homophobia - yes, it is based ultimately on religion first and foremost - forces individuals to try desperately to be something they are not through no fault of their own. The gay spouse is just as much a victim of this screwed up societal view as the straight spouse who plays the pitiful, suffering victim role to the hilt. The important thing for those coming out is to NOT buy into the guilt. It is easier said than done, but it is imperative that more gays coming out later in life accept the reality that they are NOT at fault.

Coming Out in Mid-Life: Early Morning Relections

At times I suspect that some readers feel I talk about religion too much and/or treat certain denominations extremely harshly. Each of us can only speak from our own perceptions and experiences and in my own case, so much of my past unhappiness tracks back directly to the religious indoctrination - perhaps brainwashing is a better word - that planted the seeds for so much of my self-hate, suffering in silence and isolation, and striving to change my unchangeable sexual orientation. Catholicism instills so much guilt, much of it ridiculous to an outside observer. Take the case of a ten year old child worried about going to Hell because they forgot and ate meat on a Friday (when I was a child, meat was banned on every Friday). Thus, imagine what the realization that one is attracted to other boys has the power to do to one's psyche. It was utterly devastating and set the stage for unending feels of unworthiness and a sense of being cursed. I viewed myself as vile and worse. I see better now and understand that I am not and that I never was.

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One of my goals that motivated me starting this blog was to share my experiences in the hope that someone would benefit and perhaps avoid some of the unhappiness and self-hate that I endured for nearly fifty years. Having left the Catholic Church, if anything I believe that I am a now a better Christian. I'm less judgmental and I am certainly more loving towards my children and others because I am a less miserable person. One cannot really love others fully if you cannot find it in you to love yourself at least a little bit. In fact, I know now that I was never a bad person, just one who was deeply damaged by a flawed faith construct. A construct that in my view is aimed at keeping a small clique of dour, sexually fixated old men in power and in control of millions of lives. A faith construct which has perverted the message of the Gospels into something often quite horrible. Many of these old men I suspect are afflicted with the same baggage I once carried and rather than accept who they are they make life miserable for everyone else especially in matters sexual since they are so dysfunctional themselves. The rage I express at religion and Catholicism in particular is that this mindset is still ruining the lives of gays (and many others) everyday. How many gay lives must be ruined or damaged before it ceases?

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I have come to believe that self-acceptance and the ability to find some inherent worth in one's self are keys to happiness. Too often religion - certainly the Catholicism of Benedict XVI or Lady Marchmain in Brideshead Revisited does - makes achieving that goal impossible. Had I remained a Catholic, for myself, I doubt I'd have been able to succeed in finding spiritual peace and the realization that I am NOT a bad person. As I have mentioned, I frequently receive communications from married men in the closet who are trying to decide what to do with their lives. Many come across severely damaged by their faith communities which like the Catholic Church barely recognize the humanity of gays and give out constant messages of condemnation. Faced with all of that do they remain closeted? Do they come out and try to navigate their way through all of the nightmare that may be involved? Only they can make that decision ultimately. If my shared experiences and reflections can help any of them in some small way find an easier path, avoid my mistakes, and/or achieve a happier life, then I've accomplished something positive.