Coming out in Mid-Life: Avoiding the Guilt Trap

It seems that one of the common traps associated with coming out later in life is the tendency to take on mountains of guilt which then can nearly immobilize you and in some cases pressure one to even ponder suicide. There will likely be many that are only too happy to help in piling on this guilt as the upheaval in the lives of loved ones is seen to be “all my fault.” The consequences of this guilty is to descend in a downward spiral of self-hate and depression. Unfortunately, I hear these stories of crippling feelings of guilt frequently, from readers who are having a very rough time as they travel through their coming out journey, other bloggers in the past and even individuals I know personally in the local community.
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I am not unsympathetic to those experiencing this phenomenon and I have certainly been there myself as long time readers of this blog know full well. I even went so far as to engage in two pretty serious suicide attempts – each triggered by a combination of immense feelings of guilt, my horrific divorce and the accompanying financial ruin that went with it. In retrospect, these attempts only hurt those I cared about the most. But at the time the sense of hopelessness and guilt over everyone else’s lives being upset that I simply did not see that truth. *

So how does one avoid the guilt trap? First, stop listening to others tell you that it’s your fault. As if any of us voluntarily decided to be LGBT just for the Hell of it. Truth be told, if we did not live in a screwed up and still far too homophobic a society, there’d be no prejudice against LGBT citizens and there’d be no need for trying to conform and living in the closet in the first place. Likewise, do not buy into those who are saying that you have “ruined their lives” by coming out. Change happens to all of us and all involved can move on if they want to do so. I’d also point out that if you think about it, the message that they are sending you is that they care so little about you that they’d rather you be miserable for the rest of your life than have change forced into their lives.

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On a related note, don’t buy into the whining of those who want to play the game that they are the victim. None of those that I have known and heard from went into marriage with any evil intent or desire to harm others. Rather, they bought into society’s lie that being gay is a sin and that one had to marry and have children. Thus, in many ways, the party coming out has been victimized by the fouled up system as much victims former spouses, children and other family members. This reality is one of the reasons I so strongly challenge the lies of the “ex-gay” ministries and proponents of what I call the “choice myth.” These individuals pressure gays to marry and have children even though they know damn well that their ministries are fraudulent and that sexual orientation is not something that can “change.” Naturally, they are nowhere to be seen when such marriages fall apart hurting all involved. Nope, instead they are off conning the next gullible and religiously conflicted individual to embrace their poison.
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Remaining in the closet long term serves the needs of no one. Oh, things may seem easier, but living as someone that you’re not and depriving others of the opportunity for legitimate relationships with a straight spouse isn’t a solution. It merely compounds the problem further. That said, it is still a very rough road coming out in later life (not that it’s ever necessarily easy), but it is something all involved can survive. One needs to hang onto that truth. One also needs to realize that you are entitled to some level of happiness too - just like everyone else.