Judicial Bigotry - A Poison That Needs to End

I have written a number of times about the broken legal system that allows gays to be destroyed both financially and emotionally when they come out later in life after years of marriage. All too often the problem is due to judges who (1) allow attorneys for straight spouses to brutalize and gay bash the gay spouse and (2) say the end of the marriage is all the "fault" of the gay spouse - as if any of us asked to be gay in the first place. Even with the APA's newest report that labels "ex-gay" therapy as bogus, the religious persecution of gays by biased judges continues unabated in all too many cases. The irony in my own case is that had I been straight, I likely would have left my former wife earlier than I did - it was the closet and religious based guilt that kept me in a marriage where other than a source of money, I feel I was never really valued. As they say hindsight is 20/20.

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In response to this morning's post on yesterday's court hearing, I received a long and beautiful e-mail from a regular reader describing his own divorce nightmare. One of the things he mentioned was how when he first came out he signed a property separation agreement that basically took advantage of his emotional state and allowed the former wife to rape him financially. But for his guilt and distraught emotional state, he probably would not have "given away the store." I did pretty much the same thing early on in the process and only later did I realize how screwed I was getting. Not that any of it made a difference in my actual divorce proceeding - having tried to "do the right thing" counted for nothing. Those coming out should NOT quickly sign a inequitable separation agreement out of guilt - you have nothing to be guilty about. Here are some portions of the reader's e-mail which I am posting with his permission:

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In May of 2008 I was presented with a "Separation Agreement" which basically put all of our joint property on my wife's side of the ledger and left me with basically my 401(k), four IRA's and some land in Florida I had inherited from my parents. I signed it. Why? Well now as I look back (and with the help of a truly magnificent therapist . . . I was so consumed by guilt, by shame and by the fear that I was "destroying the family" and I would never see my daughter again (which has come partly true) that I really was in some sort of mental state that defies logic. . . . And yes, I am now involved in trying to rectify my stupidity with the help of my attorney. And all of this because I am gay and chose not to live a lie any longer.

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As for the legal shithole we call a system: had a status hearing a couple of weeks ago - oh and you think Norfolk is homophobic? My judge is a middle-aged African American woman, appointed by George Bush, and is married to a preacher with a church . . .

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Michael - there are times when I feel as if I want to just chuck it all - and I do go through periods of depression and there are times when I get so angry at our legal system, my wife and my daughter that I want to kill someone. But not myself. If for no other reason I know that I am now living MY life - not some fake existence that I have created in order to survive. I am very very much at home with who I am.

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I hope that others will learn something from my experience and that of this reader: it is NOT your fault that the marriage is ending. The fault actually lies with a f*cked up society where religious based homophobia - yes, it is based ultimately on religion first and foremost - forces individuals to try desperately to be something they are not through no fault of their own. The gay spouse is just as much a victim of this screwed up societal view as the straight spouse who plays the pitiful, suffering victim role to the hilt. The important thing for those coming out is to NOT buy into the guilt. It is easier said than done, but it is imperative that more gays coming out later in life accept the reality that they are NOT at fault.