My Quest

During my telephone conversation with Justin (for new readers, he's a West Coast blogger friend) yesterday, he asked me what I wanted most in life. He suggested that based on our conversations over the last four months that what I really wanted was a guy for a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. While he teased me in part about my list of what I do not want in a guy - facial hair, being overweight, and closeted, all of which are pretty non-negotiable - he said I need to enunciate what I want and to talk more about my positive attributes. On the latter topic, I do think I am a nice person - despite what my ex-wife or former in laws might say - and that I am kind, honest, loyal, compassionate (perhaps to a fault at times), romantic, passionate and sincere. I like to make others - my partner in particular - happy and doing so makes me happy. Also, while hardly a Bel Ami model, I think I am decent looking, have a pretty nice body (especially for a guy my age). So why aren't guys flocking to my door?? To be candid, I don't know why. As I said in my post about Lately Gay, it does feel at times that I missed the window of opportunity by coming out so late in life. Not that I regret coming out since it has led to a self-acceptance that I believe I would never otherwise have found.

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Seriously, however, Justin is correct about what I want most in life at this point: "Mr. Right" with whom I can have a mutually fulfilling monogamous relationship. My vision when I first decided to come out was to find a guy with whom I could have a relationship akin to my married life with my former wife, except that it would be complete because it would be based on my true sexual orientation as opposed to a construct based on the expectations of family, church and society. Having said that, I do want to state for the record, that I did love my ex-wife when I married her and through the years we were together. sadly, I do not think she will every fully understand that. It was simply a case of trying to force the square peg into a round hole. It just will not work long term.

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So what do I want in a guy? First and foremost, I want someone who is intelligent, a good person and totally comfortable with himself and his sexuality. Being able to talk and have conversation on a myriad of topics is important in my view. So too, I do not want to be haunted by someone else's demons since I have worked so very hard to put my own behind me. Likewise, I do not want to have to be someone else's "dirty secret" because they are not out to family or at work. While I might make an exception for someone in the military if there was a clear end date after which he'd be totally out, I feel that being openly gay has been so liberating and essential to true self-acceptance, I'd be afraid about what being with someone closeted long term would do to both him and me. As for what do I mean by a good person, I think that includes being faithful, compassionate, honest, sincere, loving, romantic, and many similar attributes. Monogamy is also a must since if I am going to totally and completely give myself to someone, I expect a similar love/commitment in return. Being able to be passionate is also a requirement.

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A final and important requirement is that there be physical attraction between us. From my experience, if the attraction/chemistry isn't there, sooner or later the relationship will fall apart, much as happened with my straight marriage. Eventually, the effort to make it work just becomes too heavy. Where does all of this leave me? I guess hoping that at some point this wonderful person will find me and/or that we find each other. Since I am shy (even if opinionated on some topics) when it comes to personal romance, I suspect he will have to make the first move. :)

Saturday Thoughts

I am moving a little slower than usual this morning since the roommates talked me into going to The Wave last night and we ended up closing the place. Friday night is less crowded than Saturday night which is usually filled to capacity with a line to get in at times waiting for people to leave. The music was less non-stop club music but was still good for dancing - the main reason I go out typically - and a different crowd than that on Saturday. Ironically, I ended up dancing much of the time with a young Navy guy - after all, one must support our men in uniform. :)

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One of the reasons I decided to go the club - and plan on going to a volleyball tounament and TACT fundraiser at the the Oceanview Pier this afternoon/evening is that I've decided that I need to start varying my social life and going to a larger assortment of social events. Otherwise I will be acting like the SBC as described in my prior post: expecting different results from the same conduct which has failed to work to date. There is a great post on Gaytwogether - a blog I read daily that looks at gay relationship issues and provides some good "self-help" articles authored/edited by another Michael who is a real sweetheart - that looks at "Meeting Mr. Right." The piece indicates that repeating more of the same social pattern that has failed to yield boyfriend material is not the way to find that special guy. Here are a few highlights:

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Perhaps the best definition of madness I've heard is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." Yet this is exactly what many of us do. We keep living our lives the same old way and things stay pretty much the same as they always have. We are waiting for lightning to strike us.
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Where are you investing your time? If you're a gay man and you want to meet other gay men, are you spending time where you are likely to find them? Someone once asked bank robber Willie Sutton why he robbed banks. He famously replied, "Because that's where the money is." Are you spending your time where there is likely to be a payoff for you? If you find that almost all of your friends know one another, consider that a clue. Staying with the investment analogy, it may be time to diversify your social portfolio. Keep your old friends, but try doing something different as well.

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Good questions to explore include:
**How available are you?
**Do you really want a boyfriend?
**Or are you perfectly happy as an independent guy and just moaning about wanting a date because everyone else seems to be doing so?
**Are you emotionally accessible?
**Are you ready for the sort of openness intimacy requires of us?
**What about your schedule – are you always working, or are you involved in a hundred different causes and projects?
**How diversified is your social portfolio?
**Do you hang out with the same people virtually all the time?

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Working long hours may be fine for your career, but it can play havoc on your social life. Doing volunteer work or socializing primarily with non-gay folks is fine, but you may want to think about spending time with other gay men as well if your goal is a romantic relationship.

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Obviously, some of these points hit home with me. Thus, I may even end up playing volley ball today for the first time since I came out and no longer played it at the neighborhood pool trying to be "one of the guys" and blending in with the straight guys.