During my telephone conversation with Justin (for new readers, he's a West Coast blogger friend) yesterday, he asked me what I wanted most in life. He suggested that based on our conversations over the last four months that what I really wanted was a guy for a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. While he teased me in part about my list of what I do not want in a guy - facial hair, being overweight, and closeted, all of which are pretty non-negotiable - he said I need to enunciate what I want and to talk more about my positive attributes. On the latter topic, I do think I am a nice person - despite what my ex-wife or former in laws might say - and that I am kind, honest, loyal, compassionate (perhaps to a fault at times), romantic, passionate and sincere. I like to make others - my partner in particular - happy and doing so makes me happy. Also, while hardly a Bel Ami model, I think I am decent looking, have a pretty nice body (especially for a guy my age). So why aren't guys flocking to my door?? To be candid, I don't know why. As I said in my post about Lately Gay, it does feel at times that I missed the window of opportunity by coming out so late in life. Not that I regret coming out since it has led to a self-acceptance that I believe I would never otherwise have found.
Seriously, however, Justin is correct about what I want most in life at this point: "Mr. Right" with whom I can have a mutually fulfilling monogamous relationship. My vision when I first decided to come out was to find a guy with whom I could have a relationship akin to my married life with my former wife, except that it would be complete because it would be based on my true sexual orientation as opposed to a construct based on the expectations of family, church and society. Having said that, I do want to state for the record, that I did love my ex-wife when I married her and through the years we were together. sadly, I do not think she will every fully understand that. It was simply a case of trying to force the square peg into a round hole. It just will not work long term.
So what do I want in a guy? First and foremost, I want someone who is intelligent, a good person and totally comfortable with himself and his sexuality. Being able to talk and have conversation on a myriad of topics is important in my view. So too, I do not want to be haunted by someone else's demons since I have worked so very hard to put my own behind me. Likewise, I do not want to have to be someone else's "dirty secret" because they are not out to family or at work. While I might make an exception for someone in the military if there was a clear end date after which he'd be totally out, I feel that being openly gay has been so liberating and essential to true self-acceptance, I'd be afraid about what being with someone closeted long term would do to both him and me. As for what do I mean by a good person, I think that includes being faithful, compassionate, honest, sincere, loving, romantic, and many similar attributes. Monogamy is also a must since if I am going to totally and completely give myself to someone, I expect a similar love/commitment in return. Being able to be passionate is also a requirement.
A final and important requirement is that there be physical attraction between us. From my experience, if the attraction/chemistry isn't there, sooner or later the relationship will fall apart, much as happened with my straight marriage. Eventually, the effort to make it work just becomes too heavy. Where does all of this leave me? I guess hoping that at some point this wonderful person will find me and/or that we find each other. Since I am shy (even if opinionated on some topics) when it comes to personal romance, I suspect he will have to make the first move. :)