Anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows that I am a vocal opponent of fraudulent "ex-gay" programs that are oft times financially lucrative for those who run them and which provide a political staple to the enemies of LGBT equality under the civil laws since the programs give cover to the false claim that sexual orientation is a choice and changeable. Indeed, my first venture into activism involved aiding Wayne Besen in exposing high profile "ex-gay" Michael Johnston (pictured above) as a fraud who was sleeping around the Hampton Roads area under an assumed name. Since that time every legitimate medical and mental health association has stated that there is no evidence that these programs work and the APA has now labeled reparative therapy unethical. Yet these programs continue, often funded directly and indirectly by some of the leading anti-gay professional Christian organizations. So why do individuals submit themselves to these snake oil programs? Some obviously due to parental and family pressure. Others because religious indoctrination pressures them to attempt the impossible and "change" their sexual orientation. And others, as Timothy Kincaid notes at Box Turtle Bulletin, because they are unhappy and blaming their unhappiness on being gay is a convenient way to avoid dealing with other personal and psychological problems. For such individuals, ex-gay programs are only too happy to use anti-gay stereotypes to take advantage of the situation. Part of the blame too lies with the gay community which too often gives the appearance that promiscuity is the norm for all gays. Further compounding the problem is the quest of Christianists to block legal recognition of gay relationships and thus deprive gays of the stability and benefits of marriage. Here are highlights from Kincaid's post:*
It can be hard to understand the reasons why someone would go into the ex-gay movement. Those who are less familiar with the phenomenon tend to think that it is a matter of guilt or shame that drives gullible people to try and change their orientation. Others think that it is oppressive parents and family, a culture that is homophobic or a church that puts pressure on an impressionable youth. And, yes those are reasons.
*
But it isn’t just that simple. There are others who go looking for help from an ex-gay ministry in desperation because their life is in chaos and they don’t know what else to do. Their own personal circumstances are so out of control that they need help.
It is only natural to look for a cause for our unhappiness. It’s my job or my girlfriend or my financial situation and if only it would change then I could really be happy. For some gay people they look at their chaos and think “if only I weren’t gay!” This week I heard from one such person. . . . Here is a synopsis of what happened.
*
… for many years I was a sex addict till this day I am a recovering sex addict. By the grace of God I am sober. The sex addiction kept me in chains and I wasn’t able to experience true freedom until I dealt with that subject. I thought that being gay I had to sleep with as many men as possible, but that wasn’t the case. I thought it was what all gay men wanted and that’s not how I wanted to live. So I kept going back and forth from being ex-gay to gay. I would get tired of being gay because of the addiction and I would then run to the church. When I couldn’t stand trying to be straight I would give up get depressed and end up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and depression.
*
I entered rehab this past year and it was the best thing for me. I was able to really face the addiction and can happily say that I have been sober for over 90 days. When I refer to being sober for me it is not having anonymous sex. Sex sobriety is such a fine line and everyone must define their own bottom line behavior. Mine is no sex out of a committed loving relationship.
*
I’m writing this because I am hoping that someone can benefit from my story. That someone can be saved from the heartache and pain that I went through.
*
One of the memes of ex-gay ministry is that the ‘homosexual lifestyle’ is destructive, demeaning, and damaging. My friend’s story of sexual addiction did not seem peculiar or out of the norm, it was just what it’s like ‘in the gay life.’ At his ex-gay ministry, he was bound to hear confirmation of this idea.
*
And it makes sense. If you are living a life full of contentment and meaning and you have someone to love and who cares for you, you aren’t as likely to go looking for a way to become heterosexual. If you aren’t miserable, then you aren’t looking for something on which to blame your misery. So naturally, “life of desperation” is the norm as experienced for many ex-gays.
*
But we as a community play our part in the confusion. Far too often we act as though getting the next hot guy is what it means to be gay (women do this less) and confirm these ideas.
*
I don’t know the solution. But I hope we as a community of individuals can mature to where we provide more messages of substance and meaning – find a way to more frequently remind ourselves and the more vulnerable members of our community (including those still in ex-gay ministries) that sex really isn’t what defines us. Being gay is not where you put your penis, it’s where you put your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment