Of Skeletons and Closets - The Poisonous Effects on Married Gays

The Christofascists go to great lengths to continue to foist the "ex-gay" myth and "change" myth on the public at large not to mention those unfortunate enough to have been raised in their psychologically disturbed denominations.  The damage done to gays who marry out of fear or a desire to do "what is expected" of them by family and society is immense.  I know, because I was one such gay man who tried to believe the lie and be something that I was not.  The inner conflict and years of self-hate took a toll both on me and those around me that I loved and cared about.  Not that any of this type of associated damage means a thing to the Christofascists whose anti-gay hatred knows few boundaries.  A piece in the Sydney Morning Herald takes a good look at the consequences for gays who marry as I did and try to lie a lie.  Here are some excerpts:

Coming out – it’s an emotional minefield. Accepted by some, rejected by others, confused about who to trust and where to turn.  How much harder if you were a gay man who had to ‘'come out'’ to your wife and children?

It is estimated roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex.  One-third of these couples break up immediately after disclosure, one third stay together for a year and then separate and another third attempt to make it work (although three years later, only half of this group were still together).

Psychologist Paul Martin from Brisbane's Centre for Human Potential has spent 25 years working with men and women of mixed-orientation marriages.  Mr Martin said the impact of suppressing or denying homosexuality was wide-reaching, resulting in both physical and mental health issues. “This story needs to be told. It’s something that’s happening underneath our noses all the time, more than anyone would imagine,” he said.

As the acceptance of homosexuality increases, it is expected the number of married men coming out will continue to rise.  “These men have a heightened level of internalised homophobia and are responding to a discomfort with who they are. They develop many defences,” Mr Martin said.

“Everything they say and do and every person they interact with is an act of deception because they have a conflict between the real self and the projected self.  “They become masters of deception. They can quite often be loveable and popular, but the problem for that person is that people are interacting with an ‘avatar’ and not the ‘real’ person. It is the loneliest place in the world.” Mr Martin said the leading motivation for a man to deny his homosexuality was the fear of rejection.

She felt societal homophobia coupled with her (now ex-) husband’s internalised homophobia was a major contributing factor in his inability to be true to himself and to his wife and family.  .   .   .   “His violent mood swings stemmed from his confused sexuality. He felt trapped and scared keeping such a huge secret. He had been fighting suicidal thoughts. He was taking anti-depressants. I felt more sorry for him than I did for myself.

“In one study, 12 of the 60 married bisexual men interviewed were past 40 when they had their first homosexual relationship. These men reported that the first experience came entirely unexpectedly. “Those wives who do finally discover that their husbands are gay rarely, if ever, understand why they prefer other men,” according to Alwood.

“There will always be pain and hurt and shock but there is a way to best manage that. It can never be done in a way that is good, but with sensitivity, integrity and love it mitigates against huge amounts of pain.”

Again, what angers me the most  is not that the Christofascists are lying (and often knowingly), but that they care nothing about the victims of the the myth that sexual orientation is a choice and/or changeable.  And all so that they can try to avoid facing (i) the fact that their "inerrant Bible" is most fallible and was authored by ignorant people and/ot (ii) their own psychological problems.