Thursday, November 08, 2007

Another Sleepless Night and Rambling Thoughts

I am convinced that I will probably get little or no sleep between now and the divorce hearing tomorrow morning. Try as I might, I cannot help but find my mind dwelling on it, especially lying in bed during the quiet of the night. The feeling is less abject fear than a dull foreboding-wondering how much nastier can it get. If the version of the order sought by opposing counsel goes through, my retirement IRA will be gone and what's left of my credit will be destroyed too. I will definitely be the "disposable male."
Thus, it was nice to log on early this morning and find numerous messages of support and good wishes from many readers - some from the other side of the globe. Lately, I get in to the office long ahead of my staff because I cannot stand to lie awake in bed for hours nor do I want to hang around at home and potentially wake the roommates who have no need for being up in the wee hours. My therapist was right on the benefits of doing a blog. I have "met" great people and have greatly enjoyed the sharing of ideas and perspectives. It also eliminates a sense of being alone. Not that I am physically alone, but that I can vent and "talk" about things that would probably bore or exhaust friends in a face to face discussion. I never want to be thought of as being "needy."
I also suspect that this blog is being monitored by my opponent. If I am not going out, not killing time watching TV in the evening, and want to blog at night, in the early morning, or even briefly at lunch instead, one would think that such would be allowable. But no!!! I spend in general 12 hours a day at work or more. But, as I have indicated, I perceive the opposing mindset to be that Michael deserves nothing and no happiness. It's ONLY about satisfying others who have no obligation to reciprocate.
I truly believe that what I describe is increasing the norm in straight marriages. True, there are some that are wonderful. But when I look at the families I knew in my old "perfect" upscale neighborhood, these marriages appear to have been the exception to the norm. Once the chaos of raising kids and all the related activities and obligations were over, so many marriages ended. Or at least the fact that they were not happy and fulfilling became clear to the participants from what I have garnered. Yet, the Christianists blame gays for threatening the "sanctity of marriage."
I believe the bigger threat is the marginalization that goes on of the individual spouses, particularly the husbands who are expected to (1) make money so everyone lives nicely, (2) act as the disciplinarian generally, so that mom can be the "good mommy," and (3) never receive anything for themselves. Work you ass off all your life and then die. Suburban America is not a pretty place and, to quote my therapist, most of the participants are "sleep walkers" going through the motions of a life.
That so many LGBT individuals do NOT want to fit within that horrible, socially dictated norm and want something different is what scares the Christianists the most. Or so I believe.

1 comment:

Java said...

So glad you aren't sleep walking anymore. Wish you could get some sleep/rest, though.
There are a few of those "desirable" neighborhoods around our city. I despise them. It gives me the creeps to drive through them. All the pretty plastic people in their pretty plastic houses. Ugh. I'm honestly more comfortable with poor trash than those plastic people.
Be well, Michael.