An Out of Touch Criticism of "Call Me By Your Name"

It seems that increasingly many younger gays are utterly oblivious to the reality that many of us older gays grew up in.  They seem oblivious to the reality that for many of us up until 2003, even having a physical same sex relationship put one at risk of a felony conviction.   They also appear oblivious to how much religion has lost its grip over the lives of Millennials compared to those of my generation growing up.  In a recent post, I praised the movie "Call Me By Your Name."  Indeed, Gay Star News, a British LGBT outlet, rated the film as the top LGBT film of 2017.  Similarly, every gay man of my age that has seen the movie has loved it.  Yet in a commentary in The Advocate, the case is made by a young writer who from what I can discern is considerably younger than my youngest child, argues that this exceptional movie isn't a "gay movie" since the main characters do not display a "gay identity."  Here's a sampling of what in my opinion is utter bullshit from someone who is clueless of what life was like for so many of us:

The film is typical of our fetish for straight-acting romance, here presenting a sort of country house fairy tale in which the two leads just happen to be men. It is a summer-affair flick, but with two cocks instead of one. . . . . in its high-class, pastoral isolation, Call Me by Your Name depicts an enchanted utopia where the social realities of gayness cannot intrude.

For gayness itself — gayness as a way of feeling, a way of engaging the world, an identity, a community threatened by disease and violence — has been carefully pushed into the closet. . . . . It is reckless to praise this move as a progressive step toward a post-gay cinema, a stance that toes the line of homophobia. Are AIDS and bullying and fem affect mere distractions from some imagined purity of straightened-out desire? These so-called distractions are simply too gay. They uncomfortably remind us that we are more than our “sexual orientation” alone; we are a community, a subjectivity, a culture, an identity.  

A cosmopolitan, intellectual milieu fills the sun-bathed, Fascist-era villa of Call Me by Your Name as bits of Greco-Roman art, German literature, and Italian cooking decorate the frame — but the queens are for sure locked in the closet.

The attitude of this piece may ring true with young, often self-absorbed young gays who never experienced what those of us in older generations lived through - and which many closeted gays in red states continue to live through.  Go to any gay hookup app and you will find large numbers of still closeted gays married to women who still cannot accept a gay identity as a result of religious brainwashing, fear of job loss, or a financially ruinous divorce from the opposite sex spouse they deal with.  And this true in 2018, so imagine the realty for so many thirty-five (35) years ago when the movie's story is set. 

As the name of this blog underscores, I did not "come out" until mid-life (in fact, I was 49) and even then it took a considerable period of time to achieve a "gay identity."  Like so many of my current circle of gay friends, I married (some friends married more than one woman), had children and only after years of denial faced the reality of our sexual orientation.   For many of us, the story line in the movie is what we felt but never acted upon.  I hope that Call Me By Your Name will secure a wide heterosexual audience and that just perhaps, it will help to further open minds and hearts. 

Meanwhile, those, like the youthful author enjoy the benefits others achieved for them (and from my experience based on my local community often do little to support the larger LGBT community) while lacking any perspective  on what times were like thirty five years ago or what will be viable outside of theaters in major urban centers in blue states.   It is noteworthy that many of the comments on The Advocate article take the author to task as I do.  

I would urge every LGBT individual to encourage their straight friends to see the movie.  It underscores how there is so much more to love than mere physical connection and it might give cause them to think about the harm that an anti-gay society needlessly does to so many.

Ageism in the LGBT Community

At the recent Equality Virginia Commonwealth Dinner, there were a good number of younger members of the LGBT community. As an honoree, I found them to be universally respectful and pleasant. Since the event tends to draw those of a more activist bent, I suspect many were simply more inclined to be respectful of older activists.  The same cannot be said for young gays in clubs and some social settings.  Indeed, older members of the community are often greeted with nastiness and almost a form of condescension aimed at those of us no longer in our 20's or early 30's - young and beautiful, if you will.  By their standards, when I came out and first engaged with the LGBT community shortly after my 50th birthday, I was already ready for the grave and certainly not an object for romantic interest.  Since then, I feel I have made contributions to the LGBT community and have tried to make a different.  Not to sound peevish, many of the young club boys cannot say the same.  Some even seem oblivious to the threats facing our community and the need for activism and more than shallowness.  Attitude magazine looks at a new movie "Prime Time" that looks at the vibrancy of gays of a certain age who likely would never get a second glance from many of today's gay youth.  Here are excerpts:

Most of my film works up till now have been set among groups of older people, primarily older men – railway enthusiasts, model car racers, hobbyists seeking friendships and affinities in local clubs or like-minded communities, or, in the case of one film, retired people out taking early-morning exercise. I am drawn to the unseen rituals that characterise these various social interactions, and the unspoken codes and signs that bind individuals to these groups. But I have always also been struck by the energy and vitality and self-confidence of the people I have met, and who I have featured in my films. While I like to step back, with my camera, and observe the quirks of human behaviour, I also want to highlight and celebrate that energy and vitality and self-confidence – especially at a time when those qualities are increasingly associated with (and commodified in) a cult of youth.

If this exaggerated focus on youth is an inescapable part of mainstream culture, it is, even more, the case perhaps on the gay scene. For a couple of years now, I have been following and befriending an American network of older gay men, known as ‘Prime Timers’. It’s a largely Stateside phenomenon to date, in which members of the community get together on a regular basis to go on group excursions together. One of these, a Caribbean cruise, is the subject of my latest film, ‘Prime Time’.

While making the film, once again I found myself in the company of people who had time on their hands, but who also, in their latter years, clearly exhibited a real zest for life. As a younger gay man, alert to the pressures exerted by a physical ideal that people are meant to find desirable or aspire to possess, I wanted to show a different aspect by portraying the marks and contours of older male bodies in a sensual, affirmative way. I was in the presence of people who were totally comfortable in their own skin, and I wanted to convey that sense of self-possession and ease, and its attractiveness to me.

The film got me thinking more generally about the question of how and when we can properly say we are in the prime of our lives. You can be young and fit, buff and gym-toned, absolutely at your physical peak, but do your best years still lie in front of you, when your physical powers may be starting to diminish, but the wider experience you have accumulated more than compensates? I reflected on this through the mirror of the cruise ship itself: a little utopia floating on the ocean, in which time seems to both fill out, and stand still.

Although ‘Prime Time’ can be summed up in a snappy one-liner – ‘it’s a film about cruising on a cruise ship.’ – it’s also my attempt to grapple with something more universal, even existential: how we both measure and deny the passing of time. 

Let me say it first.  Yes, I confess that I typically post "male beauty" photos of young guys.  There are several reasons, the first being that it is very hard to find quality sexy, racy photos of mature/older guys.  For finding photos, the choices tend to be x-rated "daddy" porn sites that are generally too risque for Blogger if one wants to remain a non-mature website (and most of the men are beefy, football player types - a body type that frankly does nothing for me) or hair style/color product models. Of course, this scarcity of older male models in and of itself underscores the larger problem of America's cult of youth.  

The Problem of Ageism In the LGBT Community

SHOW SOME F*CKING RESPECT!
Something I think all gay men need to hear...
Posted by Davey Wavey on Friday, January 29, 2016

I came out in mid-life and was struck by the emphasis on youth and beauty in the gay community.  Indeed, I felt  like a "has been" before I got out of the gate.  Sadly, the problem of agism within the LGBT community has not gotten any better since I came out.

I make no claim to have been among the earlier warriors for gay equality, but over the last 15 years, I have tried very hard to make life for LGBT Virginians through involvement with Equality Virginia (Legends committee for 6 years and monthly supporter), founding and supporting Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR"), active political involvement, including donating to gay friendly politicians, writing a monthly LGBT column in VERR Magazine, and providing substantial financial support for HR Pride.  My husband has been there right beside me as have many of my friends in the LGBT community of my generation.  I am not trying to brag or blow my own horn. The reality is that in Hampton Roads to a large extent, it is always the same people writing the checks, fighting the fight and putting themselves out there to change minds and hearts.

Yet, meanwhile many young gays do nothing to support the larger LGBT community and take for granted the much improved world in which they now live and seem oblivious as to who and what got us to where we are today.  Worse yet, they show no respect for older gays who fought in the trenches to make things better for all of us. The above video posted by Davey Wavey struck a cord with me has a message that some in the younger generations really needs to hear.