Suicide and Its Survivors

I have spoken candidly in the past about my suicide attempts. More recently, there has been considerable discussion of the highly reported suicides of a number of gay teens. Some of the deaths were reported to be the results of anti-gay bullying. My own attempts were driven largely by the combined stress of being forced from a law firm for being gay and a divorce case that often seemed aimed at destroying me. In every case of suicide, I suspect (at least based on my own experience) the motivating thought of the parties attempting or completing suicide was simply a desire to make the pain stop. We must continue to deliver the message that things do get better. However, what is missing from the equation is what suicide does to surviving family members. A dear friend of mine is a survivor of suicide and recently she shared this message with me and sent me a link to a old news series done by the Virginian Pilot (even a biased rag newspaper like the Pilot gets something right once in a while) that looked at the pain and recovery process of survivors. I would encourage those contemplating suicide to read the full series to better understand what their death would do to others whom they love. With my friend's permission, here is the message I received along with the story link:
*
I wanted to share this video and article with you all...Ryan's suicide split life into two parts...Life before and life after...Life will never and can never be the same. That is not a piteous statement, it is truth. Ryan was my heart. He was a champion for the underdog, a horticulturist, an environmentalist, an activist and a believer in righting wrongs. He bore the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was quiet, strong, steady and wise beyond his years. He had a smile that breaks my heart just to think about it, so beautiful. He was shy and unassuming, a gentle kind soul. He was 36 yrs. old.
*
It is very important that steps be taken to help those considering suicide. Likewise it is crucially important that forces like anti-gay bullying or general homophobia be ended so that these triggers can no longer lead to the needless loss of lives. Not surprisingly, at least in my view, one of the forces that has impeded a proactive approach to suicide prevention and an honest discussion of the problem is that constant wellspring of evil: religion. Here are some brief highlights from the series of pieces:
*
We kill ourselves more often than we kill each other. If that surprises you, it's no wonder. Suicide hides behind whispers. As if by turning our faces, we could make it go away. It hasn't. Suicide has outpaced homicide for at least 100 years.
*
On an average day, roughly 90 Americans kill themselves. Those losses are changing a long history of hush-hush. People are starting to talk about suicide, and they don't care if it's unpleasant.
*
Much of the stigma surrounding suicide is rooted in religion. For centuries, the act was largely seen as an unforgivable sin - an instant, one-way ticket to damnation. In the Roman Catholic Church, suicides were refused a Christian funeral. They could not be buried in consecrated ground. While the Bible does not address the topic head-on, old views were based on the idea that a person who committed suicide had abandoned all faith in God. Since death followed immediately, there was no opportunity to repent. Even a murderer stood a better chance on Judgment Day. As long as one lived, there was time for forgiveness.
*
One of my former therapists (he's an ordained Presbyterian minister) who helped me immeasurably in overcoming the religious anti-gay brainwashing I received in the Catholic Church had this to say in the article:
*
Bill Hedrick is executive director of Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services, a group of local clergy who also act as counselors. Hedrick said attitudes still vary, even within religions. . . . Hedrick looks at it this way: "I think we have a loving God who's probably more forgiving than he is condemning. I can't believe He would sentence someone to eternal torment when they were already so tormented in life."
*
For those who have lost loved ones, the series also looks at support groups that assist those left behind:
*
Support groups like SOS are part of an evolution aimed at ending suicide's long, dark history. They offer help, hope and healing instead of secrecy and shame. About 300 SOS-type groups have popped up across the country. Gilchrist, a licensed clinical social worker, started the Hampton Roads chapter nearly 20 years ago, making it the oldest group of its kind in Virginia.
*
They lay bare their sorrows and assure each other that the suicides were not their fault. They learn that their loved ones did not have a character flaw but a sickness that robbed them of any notion of the wreckage they would cause. They find comfort in new phrases. Their lost ones "completed" suicide; only criminals "commit" something.