Limited Posting Throught Tomorrow Evening

The boyfriend and I have been preparing for the memorial service for my mother tomorrow at 11:00 AM and the reception to follow. As a result it will be tomorrow evening before I will be posting at the normal rate. Hopefully, I have put together a service that does my mother justice. It will be nice to have all my children and the boyfriend with me on what will be a difficult day.

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I want to thank readers who have been so supportive in their e-mail messages and in some cases sympathy cards mailed to the law office. It means a great deal to me - more than you can know.

Wintry Day Thoughts

I have found myself thinking a lot about the past today - maybe it's the weather and thoughts of growing up in Central New York. Winters were long and snowy, but summers in the Adirondacks were wonderful, though short. The photo above/right was taken at the summer house and was taken about 40 years ago - pictured are two of my sisters and one of their girlfriends friend (my sister that I lost in 2001 is at right and my other sister is at left). We spent countless hours water skiing, sailing, canoeing, and hanging out with our gang of lake friends (two such guy friends and major crushes are pictured in today's male beauty shots). They were magical days and I felt so much more comfortable at the lake than at home during the school year except when on the ski slopes where I gained status among school friends due to my skiing abilities. I still feel a sense of loss when I think of those times and that I wasted so much of my time worrying about hiding "my secret.
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But a sense of loss is something that anyone who has come out in mid-life likely knows well. At times in the years after I first came out, that sense of loss was overwhelming. All that I knew as my life was for the most part lost. And all too often it felt that I'd never find something to replace it. You do, however, rebuild a new life, even though at the time it doesn't seem possible and/or to occur quickly enough. At times the melancholy can be intense and it sometimes comes through in my writings here on the blog. But overall, I am making progress and I do have a new life that I once thought impossible. One reader commented as follows earlier in the weeks: "Going through your coming out journey IS associated with profound loss and now I appreciate the candid expressions of your pain, suffering and depression. As I have stayed with you, I have noted an increasing sense of healing on your part and less overall negativity with your current status, so kudos to you on that front. I thank him for sticking with me and being able to see the journey.
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I guess my advice for the day to those in a place I once found myself is that you need to stay the course. There ARE better days ahead. That doesn't mean that the experience will not have its emotional roller coaster moments. I am fortunate to have found "the one" who loves me unlike anyone in the past. He brightens my world and is my safe harbor. In turn, he feels that I understand him and understand his heart. Perhaps we are both lucky.
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On a different note, I have talked to family members in Charlottesville and all are well and currently with power, although it sounds like my sister's back yard has lost numerous trees that have broken off under the weight of snow, then freezing rain and then more snow. Here in Tidewater, there is a dusting of snow on the ground and pragmatically, we are watching the water level in the creek more than the snow accumulation since we have had 50+ mph winds blowing from the northeast and piling water into Hampton Roads' harbor.

Sunday Reflections

I spent last evening at the home my friend who just lost his mother. It was one of those times where nothing you say or do is adequate, so that in the last analysis, all you can do is be with them, share their grief and let them know that you love them. For me, it brought back memories and emotions of my younger sister's death to cancer in 2001, as well as losing my father last September. A combination of disbelief, numbness and sorrow. And thoughts of what might have been.

The mood made me decide to go to church today for spiritual soothing, if you will. The church itself is a work of art (the photo at left does not do it justice) and has a majestic peacefulness to it. As is always the case, the parish members are welcoming and truly seem to care about me - I am probably one of the parish's more high profile gay members - in a genuine way, and not at all judgmentally. In fact, I am currently working on the pastor to join HRBOR, since there are an abundance of LGBT members of the local community who long for a church home. I know I rant about Christianists, but there are actually some good Christians out there who are not hatefilled bigots. It's nice to encounter them since it is usually the hate mongers who get all the publicity.

To completely digress, one poster recently asked why I do the "Male Beauty" posts since so many of my posts are on serious topics. I guess I do it for a couple of reasons: (A) for readers who enjoy the "eye candy" and (B) because beautiful guys are as much God's handiwork as majestic mountains or a beautiful ocean sunrise. In classical Greece, the human form was considered beautiful and to be admired. I believe that was the proper outlook and I appreciate the beauty of a gorgeous face and/or body.

I realize that I may have rambled a bit, but with what has happened, it is one of those days where my mood is all over the chart.

A Friend's Passing, Sadness and Mourning

One of my very best friend's mother died in the late night hours on Friday night after an extended and heroic battle with Acute Leukemia. She was a most remarkable woman and such an inspiration. She was wonderful in the emotional support she gave to me throughout the time I have known her. Fortunately, she was able to attend the wedding of her son/my friend and his partner (also one of my dearest friends) in early July of this year. I hope all of my readers who have a religious side to them will keep the soul of Cissi in their thoughts and prayers and likewise keep Christopher in their prays as well. The following is a poem that Cissi sent in an e-mail to family and friends after she completed chemotherapy. It demonstrates how she lived her life. These are words we should all be mindful of as we go about our lives:

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time

That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time

I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow

to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day

to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,

and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,

young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,

why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time

for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,

and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"

"Please forgive me,"
"Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.