New HRBOR Scholarship Established to Benefit LGBT Students

Coming out in mid-life is not an easy journey as long time readers of this blog know from my travails and darkest hours over the last almost four years of this blog. One of the wisest things I did in retrospect was to co-conspire with Christiana Flynn to form Hampton Roads Business OutReach ("HRBOR") - an affiliate of the NGLCC - with the help of eight other dedicated individuals whom I now view as quasi-family. Yes, HRBOR has brought me business, and has brought me friends to replace those "friends" who abandoned me when I came out. But more importantly, HRBOR has been a vehicle where I can try to make a difference in this all too often backwards area of Virginia. Today, the paperwork was signed to establish a permanent endowed scholarship for graduating LGBT high school students in the Hampton Roads area. Here is the press release issued by HRBOR:

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PRESS RELEASE – NEW HRBOR SCHOLARSHIP ESTABLISHED

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The Board of Directors of Hampton Roads Business OutReach (“HRBOR”) is please to announce the establishment of a new scholarship to be available to students in the seven cities of the Hampton Roads area. The scholarship will be managed by the Hampton Roads Community Foundation (“HRCF”) with the first award to be made in May, 2012. Applications forms and eligibility requirements will soon be available on the HRCF website. The purpose of the scholarship is as follows:

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To provide scholarships for self-identifying, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) students attending high schools in the cities of Chesapeake, Hampton, Newport News, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk or Virginia Beach, paying special emphasis to those who have demonstrated involvement in the LGBT community, and who are in need of financial aid for undergraduate education at a four-year college or university.”

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The scholarship will be called the George D. and Marion Phelps Hamar HRBOR Scholarship in memory of the parents of Michael B. Hamar, a co-founder of HRBOR and one of HRBOR’s founding directors, who provided the funding to endow the scholarship fund. Once the HRCF website is updated, donations to the scholarship fund will be feasible online and it is the hope of HRBOR that more than one annual recipient will be possible in future.

Hampton Roads Business OutReach (HRBOR) is a broad based coalition of LGBT owned and LGBT supportive businesses and professionals dedicated to the development, growth and advocacy of Hampton Roads and its LGBT community. By promoting an environment in which diversity can flourish, HRBOR is committed to the economic growth and prosperity of our members and our community.

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No doubt some will think me crazy. But I provided the initial funding to establish the scholarship for a number of reasons, not the least of which was to honor my parents who always valued education and who were unwavering in their support of me when I came out. In fact, when I was telling them that I was gay and made a remark that I hoped that they would not disown me, my father - not always the easiest of individuals to get along with - was indignant that I'd even think such a thing about them. He honestly could not conceive of any decent parent who would disown their own child merely because they were gay. Unfortunately, many parents do not follow my late parents' example. And as a result, LGBT youth make up a disproportionate percentage of homeless youths because too many parents prefer to cling to religious based bigotry or worry about what others will think rather than stand by their children.

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Other LGBT youths, if not disowned and homeless, nonetheless can find themselves cut off from family resources and may never have an opportunity to got to college. Sadly, I know a significant number of individuals who suffered this disheartening experience. It's a tragedy. I sincerely hope that this scholarship will help offset such bigotry in small part and over time will grow and provide benefit for more aspiring LGBT youth each year.

Memorial Scholarship In Memory of My Parents.

The last five and one half years have been a financial Hell for me beginning with being forced from a larger local law firm for being gay, followed by a divorce from Hell where an anti-gay judge - who actually note that being gay was a "choice" - stripped me of pretty much everything I owned, and finally ended with me being forced into bankruptcy because of the former happenings. With the loss of my mother earlier in the year, I will soon - hopefully within a week or two - come into enough of an inheritance to clear up the last of the debts plaguing me and pay off in full amounts owed to my former wife under the divorce decree and finish repaying loans made to me by the boyfriend without whom I would not have survived in more ways than purely financially. It will also allow me to do something to permanently honor the memory of my parents (pictured at right on their wedding day): establishing a scholarship fund in their names. The scholarship will benefit graduating LGBT high school students in Virginia seeking to continue their education at a college or university.
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I am working with the Hampton Roads Community Foundation which will manage investing the scholarship fund (HRCF currently administers 55 scholarship funds) and the application administrative process. I hope to promote additional future contributions to the scholarship fund through HRBOR (HRBOR's name will also be attached to the scholarship) and other organizations as a tax deductible charitable vehicle to provide assistance to LGBT youth who often face difficulties in backward states like Virginia and who may have lost family support because of their sexual orientation. With the support of others, it is my hope than the scholarship can grow to eventually serve multiple students each year in perpetuity.
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Education was always important to both of my parents and played a role in the lives of myself and my siblings. As I have written about in the past, both immediately and unwaveringly supported me when I came out my often turbulent coming out journey. With this scholarship perhaps it will be a vehicle for youth who were not as lucky as I was in terms of parental acceptance.
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The HRBOR - Hampton Roads Business OutReach - name will also be attached because founding HRBOR has been a labor of love and did much to replace the supposed circle of "friends" who largely abandoned me when I came out nearly a decade ago. Attaching the HRBOR name will also underscore that members of the LGBT business community - even in generally reactionary areas such as Hampton Roads - can and do make a difference and improve the community, one of HRBOR's goals.
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Once the scholarship is fully in place - the first award should be in May/June, 2012 - I will do a follow up post with details and how tax-deductible contributions can be made to the fund.

Limited Posting Throught Tomorrow Evening

The boyfriend and I have been preparing for the memorial service for my mother tomorrow at 11:00 AM and the reception to follow. As a result it will be tomorrow evening before I will be posting at the normal rate. Hopefully, I have put together a service that does my mother justice. It will be nice to have all my children and the boyfriend with me on what will be a difficult day.

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I want to thank readers who have been so supportive in their e-mail messages and in some cases sympathy cards mailed to the law office. It means a great deal to me - more than you can know.

Further Reflections on Death, Families and Parental Acceptance

While I have been enjoying myself in Key West, I have remained haunted by the loss of my mother and, indeed, at times I simply cannot believe that she's gone. Intellectually, I grasp it, but emotionally I have a long way to go. I lost a sister in 2001, my dad in 2006 and now my mother. Maybe the difficult comes from the fact that I was there at the hospice with her when she died. For her it was a dignified and peaceful exit. For me, it is something seared into my memory as I watched the life force ebb out of her. If she was conscious somehow that I was there with her, I am glad that I was there for her. By the same token, it is something I never want my own children to go through - better I die totally alone than they be put through the soul wrenching experience. With the Norfolk memorial service approaching next Saturday, I am thinking a great deal about what to say, what readings to select and so forth. One thing I will note for sure, however, is that despite her sometimes conservative Catholicism, she "got it" when it came to parental acceptance of a gay child. A piece in Out Front Colorado underscores just how lucky I was with both my parents, but my mom in particular when contrasted with what Ryan Kendall, who testified as a fact witness in Perry v. Schwarzenegger, experienced - and so many other LGBT individuals sadly experience at the hands of their parents. Here are highlights from that article written by Kendall himself with an editor's note for background.
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Editor’s Note: On January 20, 2010, Ryan Kendall testified as a fact witness in the landmark case Perry v. Schwarzenegger, the federal trial to overturn California’s discriminatory Proposition 8. Kendall took the stand to speak to the immutability of sexual orientation, living proof that you can’t “pray away the gay.” Kendall, a Colorado Springs native, was subjected to “reparative therapy” beginning when he was just 14, when his evangelical Christian parents discovered he was gay. Now, a year after his testimony, in this OFCB exclusive Kendall reflects on the trial, the terrifying and true scenarios that filled his testimony, and what the Perry case means not only for marriage equality, but for all LGBT kids still suffering from intolerance and hatred.
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The random, interconnected series of events that led to my testimony in Perry v. Schwarzenegger has always seemed purposeful to me. It comforts me to know that in some small way my experiences served a noble purpose.
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I was asked to tell my story. It was an unpleasant story with details that I didn’t care to remember. While each call lasted an hour or more, I rarely made it more than a few minutes before my voice was contorted with pain. At times I would sob almost inconsolably. Throughout the process the attorneys were always kind and concerned with my emotional well-being. They repeatedly asked me if I was certain that I wanted to proceed – after all, they knew this was difficult.
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“Yes,” came my emotional response.”People have to see this. They have to know what happens to us.” It wasn’t my story that the world needed to know, but the story of all LGBT youth who have suffered without need.
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I was 14 or 15 when it happened. The previous year or so of my life had been a living hell. After my parents discovered that I was gay, they rejected me. On a daily basis I was told that something was wrong with me, or that I was disgusting or repulsive. I was just a kid – I didn’t understand why my family had turned against me. I didn’t know how to process their cruel words – words that burned right into my soul. I was living in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
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I was alone with my mother in our dinning room. I will never forget that moment. I was looking my mother in her eyes as she spat out the words, “I would rather have had an abortion than a gay son.” It was an awful moment and I was desperately hurt.
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My family was torn apart because of anti-gay attitudes that condemn people without a cognizable reason, solely for being who they are. Mine is not the main injustice of this story. It is the needless destruction of a family that I find unforgivable. I needed my family – we needed each other. All I wanted was to heal my family, and for my parents to love me again. I failed in that task; it required the impossible. I couldn’t be what I wasn’t. The only choice left was to fight for my soul, so I did.
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My heart goes out to Ryan Kendall and the countless LGBT youths who experience such needless and cruel rejection. In contrast to their experience, my mother put her arms around me and said she loved me and wanted to protect me from being hurt because of who I was. That's the message EVERY LGBT child should be hearing from their parents and other family members. The fact that so many do not is a terrible indictment against religion as a whole. It is the cause of so much abuse and hatred. And to my mother, I say "Thank you."

Memorial Service for My Mother

As promised previously, I am providing an update on the memorial service for my late mother. The memorial service will be held on January 29, at 11:00 AM at First Lutheran Church, 1301 Colley Avenue, Norfolk, Virginia 23517 (located in the Ghent section of Norfolk). Following the service, a reception will follow for those wishing more time with family members attending the service.

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I sincerely want to thank all of my blog readers and friends who have been so amazingly supportive. Your post comments, e-mails - and the sweet card from Dave in Pensacola have all meant a great deal to me.

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As noted before, friends and readers are welcomed to make a donation in memory/honor of my mother, Marion Hibben Phelps Hamar to a charity of their choice. One charity that I might suggest is Hospice House of the Piedmont (pictured above) where my mother spent her last few days. Contact information is as follows:

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Hospice of the Piedmont

675 Peter Jefferson Parkway, Suite 300

Charlottesville, VA 22911

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If anyone does decide to make a donation, include my mother's name and use my name and office address as the point of notification. Donations can be made online here.

A Father Remembered

Today is my father's birthday - he would be 87 if he were still living. For newer readers, I lost him on September, 26, 2006 - on my son's 21st birthday - after a lengthy battle with multiple myloma. My dad was not a perfect parent by any means - I suspect that none of us are and I can only imagine some of the things my children think about me at times. Unfortunately none of us are given a hand book or enrolled in classes on being the perfect parent, so we ended up doing our best as we see it at the time with many shortcomings along the way.

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My dad definitely had his issues that haunted him and had never had a true family life growing up, something that I believe negatively impacted his relationship with me and my siblings. His Austrian immigrant parents died when he was three and he and his siblings were placed in The Graham School, part of a orphanage system founded in 1806 by Elizabeth (Mrs. Alexander) Hamilton and Isabella Graham. The orphanage was (and still is) located on a 40 acre site in Hastings-on-Hudson, New York, and employed a "cottage system" of smaller residences with a house mother. In this setting, my dad was at least able to grow up knowing his siblings and having some vague sense of a home. Ironically the son of one of the house mothers eventually married one of my mother's sisters. In the "graduation" photo below, I believe the woman in the center of the photo in white is my now 93 year old aunt. My dad and his siblings were/are all successful, even if not perhaps having been blessed with the emotional stable upbringing many take for granted.

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Moving forward in time, my relationship with my dad was strained for many, many years, in large part (at least looking back) because of my being in the closet and not allowing anyone to ever be too close to me lest they discover my "horrible secret." I'm convinced that being in the closet makes it difficult to have fully genuine relationships with anyone, including those we love most. But when I finally did "come out," my dad (and mother) gave me the priceless gift of accepting me and continuing to love me. Yes, he freaked out for a couple of days, but accepted not only me but subsequently my former partner who he treated like a son-in-law. I wish that all fathers would be as accepting of their gay children. Because of his acceptance, I found a sense of closure with him before he died. That was something priceless to me too. Happy birthday Dad.