Today is my father's birthday - he would be 87 if he were still living. For newer readers, I lost him on September, 26, 2006 - on my son's 21st birthday - after a lengthy battle with multiple myloma. My dad was not a perfect parent by any means - I suspect that none of us are and I can only imagine some of the things my children think about me at times. Unfortunately none of us are given a hand book or enrolled in classes on being the perfect parent, so we ended up doing our best as we see it at the time with many shortcomings along the way. *
My dad definitely had his issues that haunted him and had never had a true family life growing up, something that I believe negatively impacted his relationship with me and my siblings. His Austrian immigrant parents died when he was three and he and his siblings were placed in The Graham School, part of a orphanage system founded in 1806 by Elizabeth (Mrs. Alexander) Hamilton and Isabella Graham. The orphanage was (and still is) located on a 40 acre site in Hastings-on-Hudson, New York, and employed a "cottage system" of smaller residences with a house mother. In this setting, my dad was at least able to grow up knowing his siblings and having some vague sense of a home. Ironically the son of one of the house mothers eventually married one of my mother's sisters. In the "graduation" photo below, I believe the woman in the center of the photo in white is my now 93 year old aunt. My dad and his siblings were/are all successful, even if not perhaps having been blessed with the emotional stable upbringing many take for granted.
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Moving forward in time, my relationship with my dad was strained for many, many years, in large part (at least looking back) because of my being in the closet and not allowing anyone to ever be too close to me lest they discover my "horrible secret." I'm convinced that being in the closet makes it difficult to have fully genuine relationships with anyone, including those we love most. But when I finally did "come out," my dad (and mother) gave me the priceless gift of accepting me and continuing to love me. Yes, he freaked out for a couple of days, but accepted not only me but subsequently my former partner who he treated like a son-in-law. I wish that all fathers would be as accepting of their gay children. Because of his acceptance, I found a sense of closure with him before he died. That was something priceless to me too. Happy birthday Dad.
1 comment:
That was a really touching post. I'm so glad you had that sense of closure with him before he died.
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