Are Homophobes Actually Latent Gays??

Direct Democracy asks a very pertinent question(http://www.mydd.com/story/2008/1/25/123018/740): why doesn't the MSM do more to look at the the large number of closeted Republicans who try to hide their homosexual desires by viciously attacking gays via anti-gay legislation? That is to say, why aren't latent homosexuals exposed more by the media? Here's the precise question:

Why is it that more people (members of the media, bloggers, talk show hosts, people I overhear chatting on the subway) aren't talking about the plain fact that, in a conservative movement and a Republican Party in which anything other than Leave It to Beaver-style heterosexuality and family structures are frowned upon, to say the least, there is a very significant chunk of members who are gay? Really gay. Totally gay. And doing everything they can to hide it. And that the more vocally anti-gay one is, the more likely, it appears, that person is conflicted about their own sexual orientation?

To back up the point, Direct Democracy cites(1) the case of former Congressman Ed Schrock, who I knew for nearly 10 years during my GOP days, and (2) the concept of "latent homosexuality." Here's the comments on Schrock:

This brings us to the ironic tale of former Congressman Ed Schrock. Schrock was a conservative legislator for Virginia, and was especially conservative on the gays. He co-sponsored an amendment to the U.S. Constitution banning same-sex marriage; and, this Navy veteran firmly, oh so firmly, believed that the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy regarding "homosexual conduct" in the military should have been replaced by an outright ban on gay people from serving in the military. This guy was very anti-gay. Ipso facto, he must have been very heterosexual. Heck, he must have been the heterosexualest! Then why was it that Schrock, amid his second term in Congress in 2004, all of a sudden announced that he was dropping his effort to seek re-election to a third term? It probably had a lot to do with Schrock's very explicit audio-profile on a gay sex personals website. Schrock's veneer of . . . an umblemished record of staunch heterosexuality was mortally compromised.

Before his exposure as a hypocrite and his subsequent political downfall, I spoke with Schrock personally by telephone and e-mailed others in the Virginia Beach Republican Party [including current Virginia Attorney General, Bob McDonnell - who I would note is in many ways as extreme toward gays as Schrock was] and challenged the down right excessive anti-gay efforts of Schrock and others in the local party. I warned them that the continued anti-gay hysteria was going to bear some unwanted results to Schrock because members of the local gay community had just about had enough of the gay bashing and sooner or later someone was going to talk and secrets would be revealed. My comments were blown off - in some cases with extremely nasty statements directed toward me - and, of course, the rest is history and I was proven right (only Thelam Drake, the Republican who succeeded Schrock has ever had the class to apologize to me).

As for the correlation between homophobia and latent homosexuality, there actually is research that supports the theory:

A theory that homophobia is a result of latent homosexuality was put forth in the late 20th century. A 1996 study conducted at the University of Georgia by Henry Adams, Lester Wright Jr., and Bethany Lohr indicates that a number of "homophobic" males exhibit latent homosexuality. The research was done on 64 heterosexual men, 35 of whom exhibited "homophobic" traits and 29 who did not. Three tests were conducted using penile plethysmography. While there was no difference in response when the men were exposed to heterosexual and lesbian pornography, there was a major difference in response when the men were exposed to male homosexual pornography.

The researchers reported that 24% of the non-"homophobic" men showed some degree of tumescence [i.e., errection] in response to the male homosexual video, compared to 54% of the subjects who scored high on the "homophobia scale". In addition, 66% of the nonhomophobic group showed no significant increases in tumescence after this video, but only 20% of the "homophobic" men failed to display any arousal. Additionally, when the participants rated their degree of sexual arousal later, the "homophobic" men significantly underestimated their degree of arousal by the male homosexual video.

This situation surely makes sense in the case of major league homophobes like Robert Knight, formerly with Concerned Women for America, and Peter LaBarbera who are both irrationally hysterical over gays and gay rights - hysterical to a point that something more than mere religious belief would seem to be at play. From e-mail exchanges with Knight in particular, I sense he is an extreme case of a closeted, self-loathing gay. Oh sure, he will cite his happy marriage, etc., which, as my own life has shown, means absolutely nothing.

Just imagine how being immediately considered a closet case would perhaps lessen the outspokenness and anti-gay efforts of our most vocal enemies. :)

Psychoanalyzing the Closet

Andrew Sullivan (http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2007/09/another-shrink-.html) has some interesting takes on closet cases like Larry Craig:

The shadow, which is in conflict with the acknowledged values, cannot be accepted as a negative part of one's own psyche and is therefore projected -- that is, it is transferred to the outside world and experienced as an outside object. It is combated, punished, and exterminated as 'the alien out there' instead of being dealt with as one's own inner problem," - Erich Neumann, Depth Psychology and a New Ethic. Freud's take:

Reaction formation, according to Freud, occurs when an action or feeling that results in unconscious anxiety produces the opposite reaction in consciousness. A man who is afraid he is weak spends hours at the gym and wears nothing but tank tops when he goes out. A person who is aroused by porn joins a community effort to block the opening of an adult video store. A man who is terrified by the prospect of being gay consistently votes in an anti-gay pattern. In reaction formation, the declaration of the public persona is excessive, and the person is obsessed with making sure the public view is known to everyone. "Of course I am not gay! I have never been gay! I am innocent!" Freud would argue that Larry Craig actually believes this.

During my closet years, I did not engage in this type of conduct - I guess because in my heart I DID know what my true attractions were. I merely tried to suppress them and pretend and consciously convince myself that they did not exist.

Sunday Nervousness

Still no information on the court decision - I guess I will have another day of working to keep myself distracted. Therefore, I am going to work at the office since the weather is going to be a bit strange: the first of the outer most rain bands of Tropical Storm Gabrielle are seem to be beginning to arrive, with intermittent rain. Supposedly, we will have rain on and off from now through late afternoon and then sustained rain later into the night. Actually, we truly need the rain since we have none in over a week.

Today's fun tasks will include drafting: (1) an ingress/egress easement; (2) shareholder buy-sell agreements for two different closely held corporations; (3) a demand letter on lost antiques by a consignment store; and (4) a simple law suit on two overdue notes. Doesn't it sound exhilarating? At least it will keep my focus elsewhere.

In follow up to yesterday's post, I want to clarify that I love my kids very much and would not give them up for anything. But at the same time, all the years in the closet and religious induced self-hate takes an enormous toll. Added to that, my ex-wife's attitude has clearly been that I am not entitled to a life - I exist solely to support her and generate money. I suspect that it was that way for a very long time, but I either didn't want to see the truth or I was so busy trying to overcompensate for "my secret" that I let her take advantage of me.

Anxious Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning and I came by the office to check for news that might have come in late from my divorce attorney. I'm a bit uneasy - I woke up to a text message my youngest daughter, sent last night which states: "I heard about court. Please don't do anything stupid."

Obviously, she is referring to the divorce case and my overdose attempt last October after a particularly horrible 5 hour hearing where the judge ordered me to pay support in an amount way more that I could possibly pay. Hopefully, it won't be too bad. My soon to be ex-wife is sure set on destroying me. She has turned out to be a very evil person. She drove me into debt and viewed me as an ATM and now she seeks to drain every last penny from me.

I spoke with my attorney, who has not received anything from the Court yet. He is going to see what he can find out, although with it being the weekend, I may be left in turmoil all weekend.

I cannot stress enough to those readers who are in the closet and contemplating marrying someone of the opposite gender - DO NOT DO IT. IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE AND HAUNT YOU!!!!!

Return to Norfolk and Random Thoughts

I made it back this afternoon without to much traffic nightmare and actually breezed through the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel (shown above) without any delay - something that is nearly unheard of. I had a nice time in Richmond visiting my daughter, walking down some of the streets lined with beautiful old houses, and having lunch with her. There are lots of places to eat right around VCU, but we went to the ever dependable "Panda Veg" on Grace Street which my son discovered while at VCU. The food is good and inexpensive, plus there are plenty of vegetarian dishes for those who are into that.

While I was waiting for my daughter to come down from her dorm, I watched the comings and goings of students. I had momentary pangs of "if I could only do it all over again and really be me." I most definitely do not regret having my children, but at times I feel that I missed so much of my life. Much of my closeted life was play acting and being whoever others wanted me to be instead of being me. I envy young guys who have had the courage to come out and be who they are in high school or college. They can have their whole life to be who they are. Oh well, what is what is.

Some readers will not doubt say to themselves, "why complain, you did it to yourself." True, I did do it to myself. But anyone under 50 has no idea what it was like to realize you were gay in the mid 1960's. It was a very different world. These words from an opinion piece by former Gov. McGreevy sum up well the feelings I had as a young teenager:

As a child, recognizing my difference from other kids, I went to the local public library to try to better understand my reality. Back then, many library card catalogues didn't even list "homosexuality" as a topic. I had to go to "sexuality, deviant" to learn about myself, and the collected works were few and frightening: "Journal of Nervous and Mental Diseases," "Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure," "Sexual Deviance & Sexual Deviants."

If you haven't experienced it, it may be hard to understand the sinking feeling most every gay boy or girl of my generation experienced upon coming across that section of the library. All I could do was slam the drawer closed and leave, steeped in hopelessness. No relief was forthcoming from my then-Catholic faith, which said the practice of homosexuality was a "mortal sin" subject to damnation.

In the way that teenagers do, I came to the conclusion that my only options were suicide, something for which I could never find the courage, or "closeting" my homosexuality. After all the whispering, fights, insults, reading of academic journals and lessons from the church, you simply say to yourself: This thing, being gay, can't be me. Everything and everyone told me it was wrong, evil, unnatural and shameful. You decide: I'll change it, I'll fight it, I'll control it, but, simply put, I'll never accept it. You then attempt to place "it" in a metaphorical closet, keep it separate from open daily life and indulge it only in secret places.

That truly describes my thoughts and feelings. Since I cannot change the past, all I can do is move forward and try to make the most of the present and future, never again submitting to the shame and self-depreciation that haunted my past. While for the most part I do not view McGreevy as a positive for the LGBT community, he properly summed up the mood of my youth. The rest of McGreevy's column can be found here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/02/AR2007090200889.html?hpid=opinionsbox1

Larry Craig - Latest GOP Hypocrite

The story about the guilty plea taken by Larry Craig (R-Idaho) continues to take on a life of its own and today's Washington Post joins the media outlets discussing the story. (See: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/27/AR2007082701235.html?hpid=topnews) These "family values" Republicans are surely the biggest hypocrites imaginable: vote for anti-gay legislation, then go out and solicit gay sex. Here are highlights from the Post's coverage:

Sen. Larry E. Craig pleaded guilty earlier this month to misdemeanor disorderly-conduct charges stemming from his June arrest by an undercover police officer in a men's restroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, a court spokeswoman and the senator's office said yesterday.

Senate GOP leaders said yesterday that they were shocked by the news but declined to comment further. "We just found out about this incident late this afternoon," said Josh Holmes, a spokesman for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.).

Because Craig pleaded guilty to a crime, the incident may be reviewed by the Senate ethics committee. Its chairman, Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), declined to comment last night. In 2006, a gay activist said he had spoken with men who had sexual encounters with Craig, including in the restrooms at Union Station. Craig's office told the Spokesman-Review of Spokane, Wash., that the allegations were "completely ridiculous."

The conservative senator has supported an amendment to the Constitution banning same-sex marriage and voted for the Defense of Marriage Act in the 1990s. Craig, who served in the National Guard, has also spoken out against homosexuals serving in the military. Craig was a member of the "Singing Senators," a now-defunct Republican barbershop quartet. It included Sen. Trent Lott (Miss.) and then-Sen. John D. Ashcroft (Mo.), who broke up the group when he was named attorney general.

Craig is married and has three grown children. He will complete his third Senate term next year, after serving 10 years in the House, and speculation has swirled for months that he may retire. Spokesman Dan Whiting said the senator will announce his decision this fall.

A copy of the actual police report can be found here: http://media.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/ssi/craig_police_report_082807.pdf I know, I should not take glee in Craig's misfortunes, but it is just so nice when hypocrites get the due.

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play - Follow Up

I was somewhat surprised to learn via an e-mail from Suzy Soro, a comedienne in Hollywood, that my blog (with a live link) was referenced in the August 13, 2007, Comments section of New York Magazine (http://nymag.com/nymag/letters/35548/):

1. Sometimes it’s the magazine that inspires the outrage of readers, and sometimes it’s the people we write about. This week, we saw equal amounts of both. The major source of reader agitation was “William,” the secretly gay man profiled by David Amsden (“Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play,” July 30). “I am the older, and hopefully wiser, sister of your wife; not by birth, but by experience,” wrote Patti H. of Oceanside, California. “Unlike you, however, [my ex-husband] had the courage to be honest with me before he chose to become sexually involved with a man.” Detractors came from both sides of the aisle. “For the record, I never ran around like this on my wife while living with her,” went a post on the blog Coming Out in Mid-Life in Red America. “I find this behavior dishonorable.” The magazine was also chided for presenting William’s situation as novel. “This isn’t a new discovery on Amsden’s part,” wrote Funky Brown Chick. “Didn’t E. Lynn Harris establish his entire writing career, in part, by crafting books about life ‘on the down low?’”

Am I famous or infamous??

Merv Griffin Media Storm

I have been following a number of blogs and articles on the recent death of Merv Griffin at age 82 and the various attempts to sanitize history to avoid a direct discussion of his sexual orientation. Unlike closeted anti-gay politicians who, in my view, deserve to be outed due to their hypocrisy, Griffin certainly had the right to stay in the closet during his lifetime if that is what he chose to do. However, I am surprised at the strong reactions and threats of lawsuits to the mere reporting of what was apparently an open secret among some circles in Hollywood and elsewhere. I also do not understand the threats of libel suits since, in general, one cannot libel a dead person. Moreover, truth is an absolute defense to a libel or defamation claim, and if factual evidence existed to back up the story, then no one in the press should have been afraid of a libel suit.

In any event, via Pam's House Blend and America Blog, I found this post at QueerTwoCents.com (http://queertwocents.blogspot.com/2007/08/gay-merv-griffin-ray-richmond.html) that looks at the changing news reporting on Griffin's death and the obvious efforts to down play his homosexuality. It is a bit surprising that in Hollywood in 2007, some are still apparently terribly worried about being labeled as gay. I can perhaps understand some young rising star, but Griffin was long retired and largely out of the public eye. It is truly sad that in this day and age, people still feel ashamed of who they are through no choice of their own all because of the bigotry of others. Here are highlights of the post:

Early this morning I posted a very insightful article by The Hollywood Reporter writer Ray Richmond entitled, Merv Griffin Died A Closeted Homosexual. His piece has caused quite a stir. Later in the day, a reader alerted me that my link to the article was no good; I knew I would have to put on my sleuthing cap to figure out what was going on. I soon discovered at the site of my favourite blog mistress, Pam (Pam's House Blend), that both The Hollywood Reporter AND Reuters had pulled Mr. Richmond's article.

Fortunately, one of Pam's House Blend readers, Stephanie, in Victoria, posted the still active link at canada.com for the Reuters piece, with the original article, here .

This afternoon, writer/editor Kevin Allman posted an interview on his blog after speaking with Ray Richmond about the removal of the article. He asked Mr. Richmond, "Do you think they were pressured to take it down?" He replied, "Sure. I’m sure it was taken down because there was fear of litigation, and that the post was libelous and/or defamatory. And I certainly don’t believe that to be the case." Mr. Richmond added that he hoped to speak with his bosses at The Hollywood Reporter, stating, "I will have discussions with them, and I will hope at some point we can have it restored online. It seems that scotching the post gives the appearance of liability when there isn’t any. It was simply a factual, very informed discussion of the larger issue of the media’s difficulty in allowing someone to be labeled as gay in the mainstream, as if that is somehow a huge shame. My whole reason for doing the piece for the Reporter was to shine a light on that fact. Unfortunately that appears to be the case...even internally." Mr Richmond also said that he has not been contacted by anyone representing Merv Griffin.

I wanted to put the truth out there in a loving and concerned way. One could make the point that it was his business alone, but I don’t think this was true, because he was a public figure and this was who the man was."

Mr. Richmond made some excellent points. Does anyone else think that the idea of suing to keep the lid on someone's not so well hidden sexuality is absurd? Talk about the truth being in jeopardy. Sadly, however, Merv Griffin is not the only deceased celebrity in recent history to undergo a straight-wash attempt by mainstream media.

Later this afternoon, The Hollywood Reporter restored the article. Mystery solved, or so I thought. I decided to investigate some more and this is what I discovered: the original title, "Merv Griffin Died A Closeted Homosexual" had been CHANGED to, Griffin never revealed man behind the curtain, AND the text of the original article itself had been ALTERED. Some text was DELETED and some new text was ADDED.

See the revised story (with highlights of the modified language at QueerTwoCents.com

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play - Live in the "Straight" World

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

David Hyde Pierce Comes Out

Like, are any of us surprised?? If Niles on "Fraizer" wasn't the stereotypical gay man, I don't know who would be. I am glad, however, that another well known gay has publicly come out of the closet.

The more of us that come out, the more the stereotypes will die and the more individuals will summon the courage to come out of the closet. My hope is that some day one's sexual orientation will not cause any more notice than one's hair or eye color. Ignorance and bigotry, be it based on alleged religious belief or fear of those who are different, have cost the world so many damaged or ruined lives.

Meet My Readers - Part 5

One of my readers is not a fellow blogger, but he is a very special reader. His name is Raymond, who I usually refer to as “the b/f” in my posts. The photo above is a shot taken over on Virginia’s Eastern Shore. It’s only a 45 minute drive from Norfolk, yet is a different world – it is rather undeveloped and with a much slower pace. Fortunately, the $14.00 toll on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel (which is 17.5 miles long with two segments of tunnel under the ship channels for Norfolk and Baltimore) will help keep it that way. Surprisingly, towns like Cape Charles have a number of gay residents and business owners and we make the drive over from time to time.

I think Raymond been surprised by this blog and the way I pretty much do not hold back on my thoughts and feelings in my posts. I also believe he does not fully understand my motivation to help others to avoid the mistakes I made over the years. I guess my reply to him has several components. First, while more and more people read this blog, I can still have a feeling of anonymity of sorts since I do not communicate with anyone face to face. Plus, I get to make my statements without interruption or side questions. The other aspect is that as an attorney with an office practice, as opposed to doing trial work, I am far better expressing myself in writing. I dislike public speaking, although I do it from time to time. As a result, it is far easier for me to discuss my thoughts and feelings in writing. As a bonus, I also get to vent my disgust on occasion for the religious fundamentalists of all stripes who have turned religion into such a toxic poison for mankind.

Second, I believe that Raymond does not fully understand my thought process because he was never in the closet himself. In that regard, growing up he was far stronger than I was, not that he did not receive many hard knocks along the way as a consequence. I don’t think he understands yet the mind set that gets one into the closet and then traps them there, often for many years as in my case. It’s an alien concept to him. In my case, it started out innocently enough based on fear and a desire to avoid rejection by family and church and in time it was the only approach I knew. I did not know how to get out of the prison I had built.

I met Raymond on July 3, 2004, from the beginning it was obvious he has a heart of gold. He is generous and always tries to help others. In a future post, I will recount our journey to the Gulf Coast after Katrina in a quest to help and bring back evacuees. It was part comedy and part drama. Raymond has been with me through all the dramas of my final transition from the closet and the now prolonged divorce wars. He has been wonderful to my children and very generous to them. Sadly, at the moment my estranged wife has pretty much poisoned all three of them (my youngest to the least extent so far) against me as well as Raymond in her never ending quest to make me the villain and hurt me financially and emotionally whenever and however possible.

Since I met him nearly two years AFTER I moved out of our marital home, He’s hardly the home wrecker. Thus, at this point, I don’t know if she’s just being vindictive or is truly delusional in a quest for money and assets that simply do not exist. I guess Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned, especially scorned in favor of men. In any event, Raymond has been through it all with me and, at times, I forget to thank him for his love and loyalty through truly difficult times. In any event, I want to thank him now. Thank you, Raymond. I hope you don't have a cow over this post!!

Life in the Shattered Closet

From October, 2001, to August 24, 2002, after confessing I was gay to my wife, I continued to live in our home with my wife and children. Since the house had two complete master bedroom suites, my wife remained in one and I more or less moved into the other. The transition was smooth because I had had a bad case of the flu and had moved to the other room to avoid contaminating anyone else. I simply never moved back out. Obviously, the atmosphere was strained and the children knew something was a foot, but did not know the nature of it. I would be another year after I moved out of the house that we finally told them what was going on, although as it turned out , my son figured things out before we ever told them.

In December, 2001, I again when to my annual seminar that I always attended – which had been rescheduled from September due to 9-11 - in Chicago. Before I left, my wife told me she was giving me “a free pass,” as long as I did not tell her anything about what I did. While in Chicago, I did meet a smart young CPA who worked for an international public relations firm. For me, it was love at first sight and he seemed interested and we continued to e-mail and chat daily after my return to Virginia Beach. It was one of those situations where the chemistry clicked and we soon were emotionally involved even though separated by a great distance. With his encouragement I did something totally out of character and crazy, much to my wife’s horror: I took up an invitation to visit a different guy in the Bahamas who I had met online. I really needed to get away from Virginia Beach and home to sort out in my mind what I was going to do going forward. The chance to go sailing and exploring with an oceanographer who seem larger than life was just not something to pass up. He had a television show on the Discovery Channel (http://www.islandexpedition.com/DiscoveryChannel.html) and this was my chance to experience a dream come true of adventure.

In an event, I visited the Bahamas and had five days of sailing, free diving and all sorts of experiences ranging from dining in small whole in the wall restaurants (my host was sort of a local celebrity) to going to the home of members of the Bacardi family. The photo posted above looks like a beach we went to. By the time I returned home, having had the time away from everyone and just be me for the first time in my life, I knew that there was utterly no question but that I was gay. The big question was that of where my life would go from thereon. Obviously, my wife was not happy with me going to the Bahamas - I will admit it was a bit over the top - but I’d have gone whether I was gay or straight, given the nature of the opportunity. That type of trip just wasn’t something that typically happened in my fairly boring life.

Back at home, my wife and I had a final heart to heart talk. She basically said she expected me to go back in the closet and never, ever come back out, or else I had to move out of the house. I was extremely torn: it was either go back to a secret life of living hell, or hurt her and the kids and move out. Despite my new found admission of my sexual orientation, I still loved her very much (although the divorce wars that would eventually arise did much to end that feeling) and it was a very hard decision to tell her that I just did not think I could promise to do what she required. It wasn’t for lack of love for her. It was just that I simply could not endure the thought of being in the closet for the rest of my life. That burden was just too overwhelming. As a result, on August 24, 2002, I moved out of the Virginia Beach house and into an inexpensive apartment in the Ghent area of Norfolk. Thus began my life as a gay man.

Why I Am Telling My Story

I have received some great comments and responses to my story of my closet years (which will soon move on to the details of the shattering of my closet and how I survived the transition). While there has been huge progress in gay rights since the time I first realized I was different and had same sex-attraction, I believe that there are still many, many men of my generation in particular among others, who are still in the closet and suffering the torment I experienced. It is my hope that my story will help these individuals and others to (1) realize they are not alone, (2) stop the self-hate we so often suffer and the suppression of their own uniqueness, and (3) have the courage to be who God made them to be. The more of us that can make the transition, the sooner sexual orientation will become a non-issue for all but the most extreme homophobic wing nuts, who in my view have a special place reserved for them in Hell.

My Closet Years - Part Five

In telling my story, I left off with my return to Virginia and private law practice. We moved to Virginia because I was already admitted to the Virginia Bar and, at the time, neither my wife nor I wanted to raise children in New York City. Returning to private law practice meant putting up again with the office politics of a reasonably large law firm and the self-identified “macho” types that are all too prevalent in the legal profession. This unfortunately included being compelled at times to participate in the bar association soft-ball league games. Not being good at the sport, I naturally went on high alert with fears that somehow my secret might become obvious based on my lack of playing ability. The only plus was that there were a couple of hot guys in the firm who looked great in shorts and shirtless, although I made studied efforts to never be caught looking.

Soon we had settled into a typical suburban pattern, with my wife staying at home with my oldest daughter, who was joined by her brother in September of 1985. He was born as Hurricane Gloria was sweeping towards a direct hit to Hampton Roads, making for tension in the labor and delivery room. The storm at the last minute veered out to sea, saving the area from huge devastation. (We had lived in Mobile when Hurricane Frederic scored a direct hit, so we knew well the type of damage that would have occurred - the best part of Frederic had been the almost communal living that had gone on with ML and our wives). Pat Robertson, of course claimed he had “prayed the storm away.” Subsequently, my younger daughter was born in 1989, fortunately with no impeding hurricane off the coast.

Being with a good size law firm meant a number of things, including (1) getting involved in civic and other organizations, not because it was the right thing to do, but to make contacts, (2) originating business, (3) treating the secretaries and paralegals as somehow something less than human, and (4) always watching your back against back stabbing by one’s supposed friends. While we would have several functions for the entire staff and their families each year where feigned camaraderie by the partners was the norm and statements were made that the most important assets of the firm were its employees, the real story was quite different. In actuality, everything was about money and the bottom line and all civic activity involvement was cynically calculated. In short, even after I made partner, I had to sell my soul and “play the game” to get along. It's ironic that immoral - although not illegal conduct - was acceptable, while being gay was not and as a result, I was trapped in the closet.

Given the cut throat reality of my job environment, being gay was obviously nowhere remotely among things “The Firm” would have approved of or condoned. (In this regard, little seems to have changed: for the recent HRBOR launch, I contacted five of the area’s largest law firms and no one was interested in being a sponsor, and only one had the courtesy of responding at all). Therefore, I continued living my life as an actor, playing the role that was expected. While it seems crazy in retrospect, at this point I still did not think of myself as gay. After all, I had never done anything with another guy, and, therefore, I couldn't possibly be gay notwithstanding the crushes on and attraction to guys over the years since I was about age 12.

Over the years, I changed law firms and found better and more moral atmospheres but never to a point that being gay was acceptable. It turned out that the last large “established” firm I was a member of was more like the first firm in this area I had joined back in 1983. I did in time come out at work in 2003 on a very discrete basis, but I kept a very low profile in terms of my sexual orientation. Ultimately, it merged with another firm at the end of 2004 and, in my opinion, I was one of the partners excluded from the merger because members of the other firm involved in the merger held political grudges against me (I had publicly asked one to resign from office when an illegal $12 million deficit was experienced by the Virginia Beach school division and opposed another in the firing of the head of the gifted education department). Now, I have my own law firm where I can follow my own political and activist objectives and be 100% out. None of my straight clients seem to care, and I have acquire a good number of gay LGBT clients too.

During these years I was joined and/or was involved in a number of civil organizations, including PTA’s, being a member and officer of my civic league, being a board member and two term president of the neighborhood pool, four term president of a local gifted and talented education advocacy organization, board membership on the local committee to prevent child abuse, eight terms on the City Committee for the Republican Party for the City of Virginia Beach, and a run for school board in 1994 (I lost by a small margin because the local teachers’ union candidates labeled me as “Christian Right”). At the neighborhood pool, I even was a regular participant in the adult volley ball games - not because I enjoyed it, but because it was the "guy" thing to do (surprisingly, I was a half way decent player).

I enjoy being a father and tried to spend weekend time with my kids (since private law practice involves long hours), including going to the beach, visiting my parents who lived fairly close by with the kids, hiking in a beautiful state park, going to movies, and numerous surf trips to the Outer Banks with my son and his friends. Between figure skating competitions for my oldest daughter, swim meets for the summer swim league, and numerous other kids sporting events, I spent countless hours hanging out with other parents. I guess stereotypically, I always got along better with the moms as opposed to most of the other dads (most of whom were NOT hot). Sadly, my inner struggle to suppress my true self, struggle with my self hate, and the need to keep up the act of being straight and father in a perfect suburban family often made me short tempered and tense. Looking back, perhaps I’d have been a better father if I had come out of the closet long before I did. It’s one of those things I will never know for certain.

I joined the GOP originally because of education issues. In Virginia Beach and most of Virginia, the affiliates of the National Education Association are allied with the Democrat Party. As the father of three academically gifted children, my wife and I were continually confronted with the problem of our children not being challenged in school. What gifted education differentiation that did exist was not adequate, especially for my son who has never been “a teacher pleaser” even though he is highly intelligent. The main opponent for the expansion of gifted education services was the local NEA affiliate. Since the Democrats did not want to antagonize the NEA affiliates whose members overwhelmingly supported them at the polls, the GOP was the natural place to find a home in Virginia Beach if one was pushing for more rigorous education standards, fiscal responsibility in the school division, etc. I felt this was especially true after the 1994 school board election where I was continually labeled “Christian Right” by the NEA affiliate and made to feel almost like a criminal. Moreover, NEA affiliates from 17 other states had sent money to influence the 1994 school board elections in Virginia Beach. The local NEA affiliate had needed an enemy and eminent danger to raise funds and I and several others who were candidates for other seats on the school board unknowingly furnished them with an enemy.

On the religion front, I continued to go to weekly mass and silently hope for a miracle cure that would end my attraction to guys. I even joined the Knights of Columbus and attained 4th Degree membership. Alas, no cure occurred. Thus my life continued up until late summer of 1999 when family crisis struck and my closet began to shatter.

My Closet Years - Part Four

In Houston, we never built the extensive number of friends and acquaintances that we had in Mobile. Partly, the sheer size of the city and the distances between home and where co-workers lived made impromptu dinners together less feasible. Similarly, the logistics made it impossible for me to keep going to daily mass to try ever harder to “pray the gay away.” Also, I guess I was unconsciously beginning to figure out the claims that religion and “accepting Christ into your life” simply did NOT work when it came to making one straight. The company I was with was then a subsidiary of what is now Allied-Signal and has since merged with ARCO. Here’s a brief description:

Union Texas Petroleum Holdings, Inc. is an oil and gas company based in the United States. The company explores for and produces oil and gas overseas with its principal operations in the United Kingdom sector of the North Sea, Indonesia, Pakistan and Venezuela. The company has petrochemical interests in the United States. The company also carries on development of an oil field in Alaska. Seismic data, 40% interest in contract area and 30% interest in two blocks of Ghadames basin was acquired in 1997. Oil and gas exploration and production accounted for 79% of 1997 revenues and petrochemicals, 21%.

In the years I was with the company, revenues were over $2 billion per year. The overseas travel for the Company was wonderful, and even my wife got to go on several foreign trips at company expense. The places I visited on business overseas ranged from Jamaica, London, Paris, Brussels, Milan, Egypt, Morocco, and Athens. For company business, we traveled first class on all overseas flights, stayed in the best hotels (my all time favorite was the Plaza Athenee in Paris pictured above) and generally could almost pretend that we were part of the “Dallas” and “Dynasty” set. Once, due to the air traffic controller strike under Reagan, I even was able to take the Concorde from Paris to New York to insure our group got back to the USA after ten days in Morocco. Domestically, the trips were far less glamorous: Enid, Oklahoma, Midland Texas, Minneapolis, Memphis, and several small towns where the company’s propane gas subsidiary either purchased or sold operations, with me as the company’s sole legal counsel.

During this period, I had two close gay encounters. My wife was in New York visiting family, and while innocently grocery shopping one Saturday, I ran into a cute young attorney – dark hair and bright blue eyes - who was also a UVA law grad. We met while picking out produce and noticed each other’s gold UVA signet ring (the rings are somewhat distinctive) and talked briefly. OK, I admit it – I WAS looking him over because he was cute. He was with one of the big Houston law firms and lived in another neighborhood. He was very nice looking and since I am generally a friendly type, I told him where I lived, about my wife being out of town, and then he asked me if I’d like to go to the beach with him and several of his friends. The offer of going to the beach in Galveston sure beat painting kitchen cabinets, so I said I’d go along. While my sense of attraction to him was in high gear, I convinced myself that I was imagining his attraction to me. Soon after arriving at the beach and rendezvousing with his friends, however, it became obvious that all of them were gay – and very HOT!! Two of them, in fact, were a couple and I recall the secret envy of seeing them kiss each other. Nonetheless, the alarm bells were going off in my head. Had my fellow UVA grad read me as gay that easily? OMG!!!! What had I done wrong to make it so easy to tell?

Since my newly acquired friend, Rob – who I believe thought of me as his date – had driven, I had no option but to spend the day and evening with the group. After hours on the beach – with one of the hotties wearing a Speedo to my great distraction – we went to get some dinner at what turned out to be a gay bar. The combination of terror and excitement in my mind was crazy. I was so attracted to these guys and they were so nice (none of them were the stereotype of what up until then I thought it meant to be gay), but I was afraid where the evening might be going. Ultimately, we ended up heading back to Houston, and due to the horrendous traffic, it was very late when we got back. Rob dropped off at my house and, in retrospect, I think had hoped that I would invite him in. In terrified closet case form, I did not. I sometimes wonder where my life would be if I had.

My second gay experience was going to a big gay club with a bunch of people from the Company’s law department. My secretary was quite a character and lived in the Montrose area of Houston, which was and still is the City’s gay neighborhood. She convinced us that we should go to one of the big drag show competitions. My wife, who was pregnant at the time, stayed home and the rest of us went to the club – the Copacabana - for the show. The drag queens were amazing and there were a lot of gorgeous guys at the club. (I still clearly remember the men’s room- the urinal was a stadium type trough, except it had a mirror positioned above it so everyone at the urinal could check out your equipment.) I was terrified that I might run into one of the guys from the Galveston adventure or somehow my secret might otherwise be discovered. While it was a fun evening, I was relieved when it was over.

In Houston, my oldest daughter was conceived and born. For some time my wife had been after me to start a family and, although I was terrified at the thought of the responsibility involved, not to mention the fear that at some point my “secret” might come out, I acquiesced. Once my daughter was born, it was the most wonderful thing. Words cannot describe the wonder of seeing a child born and the love one feels for their child. She was in some ways the baby from Hell, since she required very little sleep, but she was smart and adorable (she still is). In any event, now with a child I knew I had to really suppress my attractions and strive to make the gay go away. After two years in Houston, my wife was again arguing to move closer to home. By chance, I got an interview with an up and coming law firm in Virginia Beach and I accepted the firm’s offer. Thus, I was about to embark on the longest phase of my closet years back in Virginia.

My Closet Years - Part Three

As I ended in Part two of my closet years saga, after graduating from law school, I took a job with an old line, southern aristocrat law firm in Mobile, Alabama. The reasoning behind taking the job was simple: (1) the firm was paying more than any firms in the Norfolk/Virginia Beach area, (2) it had a sophisticated maritime and oil and gas practice, (3) Mobile is a beautiful city with a great deal of history, (4) the firm paid for memberships in two exclusive clubs. What more could a new law school graduate want, right?

My wife to be, being a New York City native, naturally flipped out at the idea of moving to Alabama, but was won over by the beauty of the city and the fact that we would live on the east side of Mobile Bay which was the home of a number of northern transplants and a fairly artsy community, not to mention the spectacular Grand Hotel in Point Clear, and the gorgeous sugar white beaches of Gulf Shores, often called the redneck Rivera. Among the interesting tidbits of history we learned were (A) that Mobile’s Mardi Gras is older than that of New Orleans (located about 150 miles to the west and several years younger than Mobile), (B) the Maris Gras/society balls – of which there were 45 during that time period - began in late November and reached a crescendo in the two weeks before Mardi Gras, and (C) the term “raising Cain” originated in Mobile. The later stems from the annual celebration on the Sunday immediately prior to Mardi Gras Day in honor of Joseph Cain who revived the Mardi Gras parade tradition after the “War of Northern Aggression,” as the Civil War is sometimes called in the deep South. Each year, anyone who wants to be in the parade, make their own float, etc., can join in the “peoples’ parade” - in contrast to most of the parades put on by mystic societies made up of socially prominent citizens – and parade through the city, with the final stop at the cemetery where Joseph Cain is buried. Upon arrival at the cemetery, a wild party with oceans of alcohol takes place, thereby “raising Cain.” Usually, about 100,000 people would be out, partying and very intoxicated by day’s end.

While in Mobile, I continued my daily mass attendance since the cathedral (of a Romanesque style built in 1830 and very beautiful) was just a few blocks from the office building housing the firm’s offices. Naturally, this was part of my continued effort to “pray away the gay” through full emersion in religion. A side effect was that one of the senior partners in the firm was likewise a daily mass attendee, so I received unofficial brownie points with him. Of course, had he known the reason for my faithful attendance, I suspect he would have thought differently of me. As so true to my past experience, a couple of the attorneys in the firm were real hotties, so I had all the more reason to need that daily mass attendance. Meanwhile, my wife got a job with the Mobile School System and built her own circle of friends. In addition, the son of one of her family’s friends had a job at one of the local TV stations, so we also had our TV friends, so to speak through him. (One handsome, witty and overall great guy reporter later turned out to be gay and sadly killed himself over his inability to accept his sexual orientation). Surprisingly, with her accent, many people though my wife was from New Orleans because residents of the Irish Channel area of New Orleans continue to have an accent much like that of New Yorkers.

After renting a condo for six months, we bought a small 85 year old house in Fairhope – 25 miles from downtown Mobile – that was a Creole cottage style located on a bluff overlooking Mobile Bay and above a city park and the town fishing pier and yacht basin. The photos posted are of the view from our street and a view of the town pier. Shortly thereafter, we had a young married couple from New Orleans move in next door. I recall that it was Derby Day and the new neighbors asked us to come over to watch the race, have drinks and dinner, since the husband’s family (an old New Orleans French family) had previously owned race horses. Sitting across the table from the husband (“ML”) at dinner, he looked me directly in the eyes and I was hypnotized. It was love at first sight for me, and soon the four of us were doing things together all the time. This was not unusual because since Mobilians entertain at home more than anywhere I have ever lived, with casual dinner parties occurring at least weekly.

Not only was ML gorgeous, but he shared my love of history, had family connections to Central America were my mother had been born and spent her younger years, and the chemistry between us worked. Although we never did anything overtly sexual (just a outwardly innocent casual touch or hug, sitting next to each other on the sofa, secretly making sure our legs touched, etc.), the electricity between us was high voltage. I later learned that my attractions were possibly reciprocated the whole time when ML came on to me once while drunk at a local bar often frequented by Jimmy Buffet.

ML’s wife was also very physically attractive and, ironically, my wife always thought she was the one that might be a potential rival for my affections. She never dreamed the real rival was ML. Up to this time, the “affair” with ML was the closest I had ever come to actually acting on my suppressed same-sex attractions. At that point, I still could not admit to myself what the reality was in terms of my sexual orientation. As much as I was madly in love with ML, I could not fully admit it to myself, and there seemed to be no possibility of future with him other than the continuation of the tortured situation in which he and I found ourselves.

Finally, after four years in Mobile, with me on the verge of making partner in the law firm, my wife was pushing to move back closer to her family. I hated the thought of losing ML, but was afraid to refuse to move. In retrospect, I often gave in to my wife on many issues as a subconscious way of trying to make up to her for my secret inability to be the husband she deserved. After several unsuccessful interview attempts in Virginia (where I was already a member of the bar), we decided that I needed to get more corporate and in-house counsel experience. Thus, for the short term, we moved farther away when I took an in-house counsel position with an oil company in Houston. Due to my oil and gas law background gained in Mobile, I had five job offers from oil companies in less than five weeks, and took a job with the company that offered guaranteed foreign travel.

Remebrances from the Closet

The last few days have been busy and crazy between the HRBOR launch, work and computer issues. I hope to post Part Three of “My Closet Years" soon. In the meanwhile, I came across an excellent description of the mind set that was my experience all my years in the closet. This description is found in Andrew Sullivan’s book, Virtually Normal. As with Andrew Sullivan:

“… My feelings were too strong and terrifying to do anything but submerge them completely. There are, of course, moments when they took you unawares…. your desire as unavoidable as its object. In that moment, you learn the first homosexual lesson: that your survival depends upon self-concealment. . . . The gay teenager learns in that kind of event a form of control and sublimation, of deception and self-contempt, that never leaves his consciousness. He learns that which would most give him meaning is most likely to destroy him in the eyes of others; that the condition of his friendships is the subjugation of himself. . . . He learns certain rules; and, as with a child learning grammar, they are hard, even later in life, to unlearn.”

While I do not agree with all of Andrew Sullivan’s political views or his apparent continued loyalty to the Roman Catholic Church (which I regard as plagued with an evil and corrupt hierarchy, starting with the Nazi Pope himself), Sullivan is wonderful in his ability to describe the LGBT experience.

Thursday Eye Candy

One nice aspect of being out of the closet is not having to pretend you're not attracted to nice looking guys! That is, unless the b/f sees you staring.

Divorce Wars - Continued

The divorce wars continue. Now I have learned that my estranged wife wants to have her attorney take the depositions of both me and the b/f. She has a fantasy that I/we are hiding money from her. Needless to say, the b/f is not happy and her sitting by as her attorney questions him will be drama of the highest caliber. The reality is that her expectations of what I should pay her (ideally forever) far exceed my financial reality. In her mind – I guess much like that of former Gov. McGreevey’s wife – I should be endlessly punished for “what I did to her.”

Especially abhorrent to her is the idea of a full time job, even though she has an M. Ed. from the University of Virginia and all but a dissertation for a Ph.D. from UVA. I guess nearly 30 years of being supported in a rather decent style counts for nothing. Our next hearing on the spousal support issue should be interesting because it is again before the judge who cut her Pat Robertson Regent Law School grad attorney off at the knees when she tried to “play the gay card.” Fortunately, my ex-wife has fired that attorney (who appeared to enjoy gay baiting me) and has hired a new attorney who hopefully will be more able to grasp my financial reality.

While I greatly love and value my kids and would not want them not in my life, my advice to closeted gays who have not yet married and are debating what to do is: REALLY THINK TWICE ABOUT IT!!!!! The pain, sense of guilt (which, on the plus side, my ex-wife has thoroughly killed in me from her viciousness and refusal to be realistic) and emotional baggage may be more than you bargain for. The "ex-gay" advocates of the Christianist far right seem to care nothing for the damage done to the both the straight spouse and the gay spouse when the doomed battle to make one's self straight inevitably fails.

I so want this process over so that I can fully go on with my new life as a gay man. And, in all sincerity, I truly do want my ex-wife to move on in her life and for her to find happiness. In my view, dwelling on punishing me, keeps her from reaching that goal.

The Shattered Closet

In a couple of recent posts, I have been attempting to describe my experiences and mindset during my many years in the closet. In the wake of the Lord Browne resignation from BP, Andrew Sullivan has a great column in the Sunday Times of London (see the Timesonline at http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/andrew_sullivan/article1752275.ece) that does a good job in describing Lord Browne’s apparent mindset and my own back then. The pertinent quote is as follows:

“Try to think of it from his perspective. Think of the world that the 59-year-old Browne has inhabited in one lifetime. When he was a teenager, homosexuality was literally unspeakable in polite society. British authorities were injecting the great Alan Turing with hormones to “cure” him of his orientation just as Browne was leaving primary school.

For the first 19 years of his life Browne could have been imprisoned for a relationship with another man. During his formative years of adolescence, Browne learnt what every gay boy or girl had to learn at the time: if you do not keep this a terrible secret you will perish.

Even after being largely de-criminalized in 1967 the culture remained a strong force sustaining the stigma that Browne internalized. In the 1960s and 1970s it was far from easy for an ambitious scientist and businessman to have a life – that is, a mature relationship with another man – while having a serious career. The secrecy and fear that were soldered onto a gay man’s psyche were not as easily detached from the world as a piece of Victorian legislation. And as the gay rights movement first blossomed as a countercultural force, it did not easily include Browne and his ilk – Establishment, mannered, private men and women. . . .

Gays are a unique minority because we are almost all brought up as if we were heterosexuals in heterosexual families. We learn what it is to be gay from the general culture we imbibe as children and teens. As it changes, gay kids change. And quickly.

The difference between a culture that can safely mock “the only gay in the village” as comedy and a culture that would have beaten that gay to a pulp five decades ago is a vast one. And yet we have forgotten it so easily. A gay man who has lived through each of those decades is not in such an easy position.”

One of the commentors on Andrew’s article also had insightful remarks the power of denial and of the self-imposed closet:

“These influences on behaviour are difficult for heterosexuals to understand and even many gays (particularly gay rights radicals and younger gays) have little time or patience for understanding how one's formative experiences can create a glass (or in some cases, concrete) closet of one's own making from which it becomes impossible to break free due to - by adulthood - fundamentally ingrained psychological and behavioural traits.”

While I am not as old as Lord Browne, I am more or less of that generation and can identify closely with some of the societal and emotional constraints that kept him feeling that he could not truly admit parts of his life. Here in Virginia, until the Supreme Court ruling in Lawrence v. Texas in 2003, homosexual sex, even in the privacy of one's home, was a felony. I will continue my posts about my own experiences and, perhaps if I am successful in my narrative, the mindset of that shackled me and, I suspect many others.