The last few days have been busy and crazy between the HRBOR launch, work and computer issues. I hope to post Part Three of “My Closet Years" soon. In the meanwhile, I came across an excellent description of the mind set that was my experience all my years in the closet. This description is found in Andrew Sullivan’s book, Virtually Normal. As with Andrew Sullivan:
“… My feelings were too strong and terrifying to do anything but submerge them completely. There are, of course, moments when they took you unawares…. your desire as unavoidable as its object. In that moment, you learn the first homosexual lesson: that your survival depends upon self-concealment. . . . The gay teenager learns in that kind of event a form of control and sublimation, of deception and self-contempt, that never leaves his consciousness. He learns that which would most give him meaning is most likely to destroy him in the eyes of others; that the condition of his friendships is the subjugation of himself. . . . He learns certain rules; and, as with a child learning grammar, they are hard, even later in life, to unlearn.”
While I do not agree with all of Andrew Sullivan’s political views or his apparent continued loyalty to the Roman Catholic Church (which I regard as plagued with an evil and corrupt hierarchy, starting with the Nazi Pope himself), Sullivan is wonderful in his ability to describe the LGBT experience.
“… My feelings were too strong and terrifying to do anything but submerge them completely. There are, of course, moments when they took you unawares…. your desire as unavoidable as its object. In that moment, you learn the first homosexual lesson: that your survival depends upon self-concealment. . . . The gay teenager learns in that kind of event a form of control and sublimation, of deception and self-contempt, that never leaves his consciousness. He learns that which would most give him meaning is most likely to destroy him in the eyes of others; that the condition of his friendships is the subjugation of himself. . . . He learns certain rules; and, as with a child learning grammar, they are hard, even later in life, to unlearn.”
While I do not agree with all of Andrew Sullivan’s political views or his apparent continued loyalty to the Roman Catholic Church (which I regard as plagued with an evil and corrupt hierarchy, starting with the Nazi Pope himself), Sullivan is wonderful in his ability to describe the LGBT experience.
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