Monday, July 16, 2007

Late Night Thoughts - Relationship Endings

How does one properly end a relationship that is not working when you continue to love the other party and only want happiness for them? How do you convince the other person that you care for them and always will, yet experience and history have shown that the two of you are truly not compatible and that long term both of you will be better served breaking up? That's the dilemma I am currently faced with.
I have certainly made many, many mistakes and caused heartache to him, as I readily confess,. Likewise, he has done the same to me, whether intentionally or not. In addition, my negative baggage of my vicious divorce and the adverse financial ramifications it has generated have put him through a Hell he surely never anticipated. Can we somehow find a way to be friends in the future as I would like? Or am I being unrealistic? We have shared so much together, both good and bad, yet we need to move on, or at least I do.
I want him to know that this is tearing me apart too, but I believe it must be done. Perhaps I will live to regret it all, I simply don't know. But right now, I see no other course. Am I simply crazy or too idealistic? Advice would be most appreciated. I just want him to know that I think he is special and that he has a beautiful soul, even if we cannot live together any longer.


Anonymous said...

Speaking from the heart -- your heart, and being honest without telling all the defects and deficiencies. Speak in the first-person entirely, as you express your feelings in the matter.

I do encourage parties to tell each other how valuable their interaction and fellowship has enriched their lives. We all contribute to another's life, we may not be able to make each other our own dialectic of togetherness. That is no one's mistake, just an honest assessment of where the benefits do not overcome a liability.

Loving is not "being in love," and therein is often the simplest answer to why the bond cannot proceed: "I love you enough to not own you, respect you enough not to tie you down to me, and wish you the best that life affords each of us. I love you, but I am not 'in love' with you, and I do not foresee that dynamic between changing. If I did, I might try to cultivate the improbable, but even then only with your permission. Since, I don't see 'us' as that probably 'in love,' we need to release each other to be loved by another who might. I cherish you. I love you. I'm simply not 'in love' with you."

Depending on the other's commitment to the affair, hurt may follow. Accept that these affairs do hurt, but that your motivation is simply not to make 'more' hurt than necessary, because you respect, love, and cherish him for who he is, and you can only hope he can do the same for you.

Above all, watch HIS bodily responses (body language) which speaks more honestly than words. If he's hurt, comfort him. If he's angry, empathize with him. If he's bitter, ask if either of you can make the pain less painful. But ultimately, you have to be honest with you and he, and he has to accept that such honesty is itself a value you may not prefer, but states the facts sincerely and accurately as best as any two people can.

Because the "pain of hurt" almost always recoils, do not feed it. Simply acknowledge his pain. Appreciate his pain, as one caring enough to be in pain at all. Comfort and nurture him with all the solace that lovers can muster, but not at the risk of being dishonest. Breaking-up hurts. Both parties. But it is the sensitivity to each other, the mutual regard, both of you will remember -- if either of you agree to stay in contact. Male egos do not often rebound from rejection; So try not to reject HIM, but express YOUR feelings in your first-person language. It may still hurt, but without the proverbial sting, and vindictiveness, than male egos are quite insistent is above all other values.

daveincleveland said...

i'm so sad to here this michael, if there be anything i can do for you let me know....this is never easy especially with you still goingthrough all the nastiness of the divorce.....hang in there and do let him know how you feel...its very important to keep the lines of communication open

BostonPobble said...


In my world, when there is nothing that can be done to make a situation better, I give a kiss on the head. To the point that other people have told me it is almost a trademark of mine. So, along with the hug, consider yourself kissed on the head ~ the patented Pobble panacea.

Avenue Road said...

Ending a relationship is always stressful when there is true respect for the other. There isn't any real easy way to do this. The best thing to do is be honest about your feelings and not to prolong addressing the issue. The first reaction from him may not be that he wants to be your friend. But over time after the hurt a possible friendship is possible.

I wrote a posting on this topic that you may find helpful