National Day of Silence

In the wake of the National Day of Silence, I have been thinking about today’s LGBT youth and how optimistic it makes me feel that so many individuals will have the courage to be who they truly are at such an earlier age than I did, and that they will have the opportunity to be open about who they love. As you will eventually figure out, I am a romantic at heart.

Along these lines, my boyfriend/partner went out of town yesterday evening and this morning I was truly missing him as I lay in bed alone (He’s in the picture at left with our crazed cat, Bella). One of my favorite things in the morning is to lie cuddled and spooned with him in the morning, just enjoying and savoring the feel of his skin and the warmth of his body against mine, as I feel like I want to utterly melt into him and become one with him. I could do this for hours and I think in some ways, this is most sensual and erotic thing a couple can do and experience together.

Sadly, it’s something I never felt with intensity when I was married, demonstrating, I guess, that no matter how very, very hard one tries to deny their true sexual orientation, emotionally a part of it can never be fully subdued or repressed. Hence, I can only speculate on the lack of full connectedness that the professional “ex-gays” must feel in their “forced” marriages, be it due to religious fervor, the desire to conform to family expectations, or, as I believe is the case with some, for a job and steady income paid by “Christian” Right organizations (i.e., ex-gay for pay).

I do believe a big part of what will change society’s view of LGBT people is for each of us to be open about ourselves and challenge the “Christian” Right lies that sexual orientation is a “choice” and/or just about sexual acts. The simple fact is that our brains are wired to have romantic love others of the same gender, plain and simple. I recently began attending a men’s group run by a psychologist friend that serves as a support group of sorts for men in mid-life who have undergone dramatic and emotional events in their lives – in my case coming out after 24 years of marriage and coming out professionally in the local legal community. The group has been interesting so far and, even though I am the only gay in the group, it’s been informative. Despite all our differences and varied pasts, we somehow connect and can identify with the past struggles and work at changing past behavior patterns that each of us is going through.

In fact, when I described my closeted teen age years, college experiences, and married past, and then my first sexual experience with another guy (brought on by alcohol and stress overload, and definitely not planned), one of the other guys made an amazing remark. He quickly spoke up and said how for the first time it all must have felt real to me because I was no longer playing a role. I admitted that it indeed had felt that way and left me to struggle for two years trying to decide what to do. Despite how much I cared for my wife when we were together, there was a connectedness and completeness that just wasn’t there (through no fault of my wife) compared to that one unplanned encounter during which I thought to myself “this is what I’ve always needed.” It was remarkable that a straight guy readily understood the emotion.

As the votes on the federal hate crimes legislation and EDNA approach, I hope all gays will be open to friends, family, and co-workers and urge them to contact their legislators in Congress (and the Whitehouse, since I fear “Dear Leader” to quote Pam Spaulding, may consider vetoing the bills if they pass Congress).

The Virginia Tech Tragedy

Like people across the country, if not the entire world, I am shocked and saddened by the death and carnage that occurred at Virginia Tech on Monday. The senseless killings hit home, I guess, for several reasons.

First, the deaths of so many smart, young and talented people and the dedicated faculty members who lost their lives are a terrible loss not only to their families and Virginia Tech, but also the Commonwealth of Virginia and the entire country. Second, as a parent of three children, the youngest of which will be starting college in the fall, I can only imagine what the parents of the dead students are going through. It’s a parent’s worse nightmare come true – having nearly lost a child to meningitis seven years ago, I have experienced a sudden event that turn one’s world upside down. This event will no doubt haunt many parents sending their children off to college in the coming years. As a parent, one can never protect one’s children enough or try to all alleviate their unhappiness.

Third, I live in an area that sends hundreds of students to Virginia Tech – I keep scanning the list of the dead to make sure none of the children of friends or friends of my children appear. I cannot even count the number of Virginia Tech students my children and I collectively know. I continue to pray that no familiar name is yet to appear.

Lastly, as a Virginian this tragedy is a blot on the state’s name that will live on for many years to come – especially in light of Virginia’s pitiful gun control laws that make it so easy to obtain weapons. If it turns out that the identified shooter, Cho Seung-Hui, used extended ammunition clips, some of the carnage might have been avoided had the federal ban on automatic weapons not expired in 2004. It is also ironic that southwest Virginia where Virginia Tech is located is one of the political bastions in Virginia of those who oppose meaningful gun control laws. Perhaps this tragedy will wake up Virginians and others around the country to demand meaningful control laws.

Paying Taxes to a Government that Keeps You Unequal

Richard Rothstein over at QueerSighted (http://www.queersighted.com/) had a good description of how I suspect many of us in the GBLT community feel some mornings. Having worked on my tax return a good part of the weekend so that I can pay my federal taxes and help support the government that currently fails to protect my equality and out right marginalizes my life, Richard’s comment hits home even more than most days:

“Some mornings, before I've even finished my coffee and reading the first news reports of the day, I feel exhaustion for no other reason than the fact that I'm a gay American. I wonder if my fellow citizens who spend their days campaigning and crusading to limit my civil rights - the civil rights that they themselves take for granted - ever consider the inhumanity and irrationality of what they do? And I wonder if the millions of Americans who stand by apathetically and allow this travesty to play out with each passing day ever consider the emotional anguish they are deliberately or carelessly causing to millions of children, teenagers and adults?

This weekend KETV Omaha has provided live coverage of the "Love Won Out," Focus on the Family conference intended to "curb homosexuality" and promote "the truth that change is possible for those who experience same-sex attractions," While this festival of self-loathing and monstrous bigotry plays out, Don Imus is fired for making a horribly tasteless and grossly inappropriate joke about a group of black women. But who cares about a bunch of fags? Obviously not any of our prominent civil rights crusaders.”

As Michael Signorile noted last week on his new blog site, The Gist (http://www.signorile2003.blogspot.com/) , unfortunately GLAAD seems to be asleep at the wheel when it comes to getting down in the trenches to battle to silence the homophobes who are regularly given a free platform to these merchants of hate and easily documented untruths. Oh well, I need to get back to work so I can pay more taxes to a government that treats me with contempt.

"Christian" Bigotry is Alive and Well

I had the most outrageous situation arise with an interviewee for a position in my law firm. I pride myself that my firm is an Equal Opportunity Employer and does not discriminate because of race, color, religion, sex, marital status, national origin, age, sexual orientation or disability. In keeping with this policy, I inform people interviewing for positions that I am gay and have a number of gay clients. It’s not something I have to do, but out of respect for people’s beliefs and in the endeavor to make sure that my office is a place where everyone can feel comfortable, I tell everyone who interviews for a position. Usually, no one has an issue with my orientation and everything is fine. In fact, when I tell most people, look at me at me strangely and then ask, why would I think that would even be an issue. That is until last week. In follow up to an interview, my office manager received the following e-mail message:

"Thank you for the e-mail, and also for the interview. It seems that you do have a less stressed office than most firms, but I have decided to continue looking until I feel comfortable with the choices that become available. . . . , and as Michael was honest with me, I will be honest with him.

Personally, my heart grieves over all those who choose the lifestyle that Michael chooses, because I believe that choice brings a host of, known or unknown, forces into their lives. I would be grieved working with anyone who wants to continue to bring harm to themselves, and harm can come in many forms. I watched my father do that for years, (he was an alcoholic, and it killed him) and it saddens me when I see people not take good care of themselves, when the strength of God's truth is there to help them in their time of need. He can make our lives healthy. I felt that as soon as I met Michael, that he did not look well. I was not surprised when he told me about himself. I actually felt it as soon as I saw him. I am concerned for his well being, and it would sadden me to work around him and his clients, therefore, I cannot. He might have been uncomfortable with my Biblical viewpoints on living in the healing that can come into a person's life through surrender to God's word.

You may share this with him, it is not meant to criticize him for his choices, it is for me to speak of my convictions. I will pray for his health. Thank you again for your time."

Needless to say, I was a bit dumbfounded, even though I live in an area not even twenty (20) miles from Pat Robertson’s Regent University (in the news of late for having 150 of it graduates recruited by the Bush administration and given positions in government agencies, including the Justice Department, instead of more qualified applicants with degrees from far better law schools – check out the Boston Globe story: http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles
/2007/04/08/scandal_puts_spotlight_on_christian_law_school/?page=full).

In any event, I could not bit my tongue and let this shocking condemnation go un- answered. Trying to be calm, I responded with the following to this job interviewee:

"Thank you for your honesty and your wishes for my health. I am sorry that you do not want to work in my firm. However, I certainly respect your right to want a specific pay level and to hold your own religious views. Obviously, the latter does not mean I have to necessarily agree with your beliefs or live by them myself. I would further add that, actually, I feel that I am more "well" now than during the 37 years I spent in self-denial trying to convince myself that I was not really gay.

It may shock you, but I consider myself to be a Christian and I attend church fairly regularly. Moreover, I have done extensive reading of and about the Bible and how it came to be in its present form. I do not selectively choose which Bible passages to strictly construe to the harm of others, while ignoring countless others, including but not limited to the prohibitions against (1) judging others lest you be judged, and (2) bearing false witness against one's neighbors by knowingly disseminating fraudulent scientific "expert" opinion on gays as do Focus on the Family, Family Research Council, The Family Foundation, and other "Christian" organizations. My Christian belief may be very different than yours - and probably is far more frightening since it does not have nice little boxes one checks off to confirm in one's mind that they are "saved" - but, in my view, it requires an even stronger faith in God. Yes, I did have to leave the denomination of my baptism because of its viciousness toward gays and lesbians. But fortunately, I found a Christian denomination that does not presume that it knows all of God's plans, mysteries and intentions.

Please consider that the self-hatred and self-loathing induced by those with rigid religious views that reject advances in medical and mental health knowledge are incredibly destructive. The myth perpetuated by certain fundamentalist elements within religions -e.g., fundamentalists both among Islam and Christianity - that one's sexual orientation is a "choice" and something that it can be changed makes the pain all the greater to countless individuals. I knew two exceptional men who killed themselves when all their attempts to "change" failed. Check out this web page if you have not ever seen the actual positions of the leading medical and mental health associations in this country:
http://www.anythingbutstraight.com/learn/exopinion.html As one who spent 37 years trying to change, throwing myself into religion and daily prayer and daily church attendance, I understand how these two individuals felt and know just how much this pernicious myth can destroy people's lives. You might likewise read the column at this web address for a compelling description of what I consider to be a far too wide spread form of child abuse in this country:
http://rjr10036।typepad.com/proceed_at_your_own_risk/2006/09/every_so_once_i

.html

I wish you well in your future endeavors and hope you find a position that meets all of your requirements. I also hope that my thoughts may prompt you to ponder some of the issues I have raised."

If it had been published before my response, I would also included a reference to the April 10, 2007, New York Times article that discusses the evidence that increasingly shows that sexual orientation is biological and not a “choice” as is so disingenuously put out by “Christian” bigots who, apply the standard used on Don Imus, should be banned from the air waves: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/health/10gene.html?n=Top%2fReference%2fTimes%20Topics%2fPeople%2fW%2fWade%2c%20Nicholas&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1176572691-JzkC/4crNluqGV6zd4mrkA

Easter Sunday

It’s Easter Sunday, and I have been to Church at First Lutheran Church (FLC) in Norfolk (http://flcnorfolk.com/index.asp) where I have been a member for over four (4) years. It was a beautiful service and it was nice that so many people were warm and welcoming even though I am openly gay. This would never happen in a Catholic Church, especially under the current Nazi Pope. As I will explain later, I left the Catholic Church around the time I came out (which at the time the whole sex abuse scandal was exploding, starting in Boston), since I could no longer stand the lies and hypocrisy of the institutional Catholic Church. I believe it is important for gays to find welcoming churches that understand that being gay is not a choice and that God in his/her wisdom made GLBT people the way there are for HIS purposes and reasons. The homophobia of “Christians” who attack and marginalize gays is basically blasphemy against God’s creation, in my view.

Also, ironically, one of my friends from my “summer life” growing, which will be described in more detail later, attends FLC and I will be going over to her house this afternoon. Tomorrow, I will have an “Easter lunch” with my youngest daughter, Victoria. Overall, it’s a good day so far.

Back to My Coming Out Story

Sorry that I have not posted in such a long time. Many things have happened in the interim. Per my last post, I wanted to begin to talk about my coming out story. Before doing so, I first want to briefly describe my growing up. Like many gays, in my heart of hearts, I guess I always knew I was different from most of my male friends growing up. At first, I did not precisely know, nor was I able to explain in what way I was different. Only when I entered junior high school did I begin to realize that all of my emotional crushes and attractions involved other boys. Growing up in a conservative area of the country – central New York State – and coming from a weekly church attending Catholic family, this realization was something horrifying and that could not be admitted to anyone, including myself. While the Catholic Church may not be able to protect children and teenagers from pedophile priests, it did a terrific job in instilling fear and self-hatred in me as a young gay (not that I would EVER have called myself that at the time).

Therefore, I did what so many gays have done before me – I continued to try to be what everyone expected me to be. I was an altar boy for ten years (often serving daily mass and every Holy Week service), a serious student who was considered one of the “smart kids.” While I remained closeted, I lived in terror that “my secret” might be discovered by classmates and/or family and I lived my life almost as an actor trying to never stray from the expected script. Thus, I tried to be an athlete – wrestling intramurals, JV football team, tennis team, and eventually cross country. The first two were disasters and I hated both sports. Cross country was acceptable and I felt I was half way decent at it. Plus, it was a great way to get in shape for snow skiing, one of my true loves. Moreover, I excelled at skiing (and water skiing which will be discussed later), which in my small high school actually gave me some much longed for status among my peers. I might not be among the first picked in PE for a team, but I could out ski just about any boy in my high school and even helped some of the “jocks” learn to ski at the nearest ski resort some fourteen miles from my home, where my family had seasons passes for many years and belonged to a private club with its own private lift line. Of course, at times in this process I felt faint (especially riding up the lift sitting close side by side) if the jock receiving coaching assistance was one of the objects of my huge same sex crushes.

This success in a sport helped begin what I considered my three phases of my life: home and school, my skiing world, and my summer world at our summer home in the Adirondack Mountains. I will describe my summer life soon. A view of the lake from the air taken around the time I was a teenager is set out above.

Great Piece on the Ultimate Form of Child Abuse

I came across this column on a blog named "Proceed at Your Own Risk" which, although I did not grow up in a true fundamentalist home, the column aptly describes what growing up gay (and in the closet) was like in conservative areas. Every religious denomination that refuses to give gays full inclusion, in my view, continues this type of mental and psychologiacal abuse, to this very day. I find it very hard to believe Christ would condone such brutality.

AMERICA'S ULTIMATE HATE CRIME
Every so once in a while I allow myself to consider the nightmare existence of a queer child growing up with religious fundamentalist parents. The thought of it is so painful that I need to keep it mostly compartmentalized and in the back of my mental and emotional closet.
It's an aspect of the world of homophobia and fundamentalist religion that we very much ignore. For many reasons, it's the forgotten stepchild of gay activism, child care services and the mental health profession.

But the obvious fact is that there are thousands of these kids living in a hell on earth as they fight their way through childhood.

I can think of few other situations that have the potential to engender such a relentless and pervasive environment of psychological and possibly even physical child abuse. Generally speaking we do not do a good job of handling child abuse in this nation but when it come to gay kids the picture is even bleaker. The ratio of gay kids to straight kids among runaways, child prostitutes and suicides, well documented by the CDC, makes this painfully clear.
Long before a child develops self-awareness of his or her own sexual orientation, he is trained to believe that homosexuality is an abomination and a perversion that is a threat to the American way of life.

In a fundamentalist religious environment, he is told that homosexuality threatens the American family and the sacred institution of marriage. He is told that homosexual activists and their agenda are leading the charge in a war against Christianity. The homosexuals are the enemy.

This young and impressionable child learns that the Bible, the absolute word of god and truth, clearly states that homosexuals are an abomination and that their sin is punishable by death.
And then, worst of all, he learns that homosexuality is a choice made by sick and evil people and that to make this choice is a very bad and wicked thing. But then nature takes its course and at some point the gay child realizes that he's "chosen" homosexuality. He doesn't remember being asked. He doesn't remember checking off that particular choice on any application. And he searches through the mail for the recruitment brochure, but it isn't to be found.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, he has made this monumental, life-changing and life-shattering choice, against his will and against the will of god.
No problem, he thinks, he'll just chose otherwise until he one day realizes that he can't. Try as he might, the gay just won't go away, along with the color of his skin and the texture of his hair.
His intellectual and emotional energies become singularly focused on changing that choice but to no avail. He turns up the engines and works hard to hide his nature. Self-hatred begins to rip open his guts. Childhood innocence and joy are not part of his experience. He lives in a state of constant dread and anxiety, fearing exposure or worse.
It's an exhausting and soul-crushing childhood. While other children are looking to the future with hope, he lives in a world of despair, pain and fear. While other children are considering ballerina, doctor, astronaut or fire fighter, the gay child's energies are focused on hiding his or her true self. The boy dreads his first fake sexual encounter: will he be able to perform? The girl worries less, she will just turn away and cry and wait until it's over.
Many ex-gays believe that the origins of homosexuality are to be found in an abusive childhood. Their logic is flawed but their childhoods were likely abusive. Many of them come out of strict Christian homes. Growing up gay in a strict fundamentalist Christian home most likely oftentimes means a battering patten of abuse, certainly verbal and sometimes physical. Many of these parents likely steam roll over the self-esteem and self-confidence of these children as they struggle to make "her" more feminine and "him" less of sissy.
Protected by a very misguided notion of religious freedom, fundamentalists of all sorts are allowed by our society to engage in the ultimate hate crime, a pervasive and monstrous form of child abuse that will one day be seen by social historians and anthropologists as a very barbaric and grotesque aspect of the American civilization.
Sexual orientation is not a choice, but our society's willingness to tolerate this terrible treatment of children is a choice and a choice that should make us all ashamed. We will be judged harshly by future generations as we are already judged by more evolved societies on the other side of the Atlantic.

When slavery, the oppression of women and child labor were recognized for what they were, modern nations changed. When certain Biblical practices including the stoning to death of adulterers were recognized for what they were, modern nations changed.
And when the abuse of homosexual children was recognized for what it was, modern nations changed--tragically we were not among them.
Freedom of religion was designed to protect people from oppression and persecution. Instead, in 21st Century America, "freedom of religion" is used to do great harm to millions of Americans, including many of our children who are unable to defend themselves, their psyches and their hearts.

"Freedom of religion" should not, in my opinion, be used to excuse behavior that violates sound practices and standards that are based on science, morality and ethics. Further, "freedom of religion" should not exempt people from laws governing discriminatory practices, mental health care, child care and child protection.

If we allow religious beliefs to justify human degradation and oppression, we reduce our constitution to nothing but an old piece of paper.

Homosexuality is common throughout hundreds of animal species and every scientific measure that has been used thus far has confirmed over and over again that this is about nature and not nurture. Of course, people who act exclusively on faith and belief rather than on fact and reason will never be convinced of this. The facts are that dinosaurs and unicorns did not miss the Ark and gay children did not chose to be who they were born to be.

But the question that seems to plague us at every turn these days is whether we are to be a nation of fact and reason or a nation of people packed and ready to jump on the Rapture bus?
In the meantime, suffer the little children.

The Last Post Brings Me to My Coming Out Story

Details of this "epic," which was inspired by the Article on Proceed at Your Own risk, will be forth coming soon. . . .