In the wake of the National Day of Silence, I have been thinking about today’s LGBT youth and how optimistic it makes me feel that so many individuals will have the courage to be who they truly are at such an earlier age than I did, and that they will have the opportunity to be open about who they love. As you will eventually figure out, I am a romantic at heart.
Along these lines, my boyfriend/partner went out of town yesterday evening and this morning I was truly missing him as I lay in bed alone (He’s in the picture at left with our crazed cat, Bella). One of my favorite things in the morning is to lie cuddled and spooned with him in the morning, just enjoying and savoring the feel of his skin and the warmth of his body against mine, as I feel like I want to utterly melt into him and become one with him. I could do this for hours and I think in some ways, this is most sensual and erotic thing a couple can do and experience together.
Sadly, it’s something I never felt with intensity when I was married, demonstrating, I guess, that no matter how very, very hard one tries to deny their true sexual orientation, emotionally a part of it can never be fully subdued or repressed. Hence, I can only speculate on the lack of full connectedness that the professional “ex-gays” must feel in their “forced” marriages, be it due to religious fervor, the desire to conform to family expectations, or, as I believe is the case with some, for a job and steady income paid by “Christian” Right organizations (i.e., ex-gay for pay).
I do believe a big part of what will change society’s view of LGBT people is for each of us to be open about ourselves and challenge the “Christian” Right lies that sexual orientation is a “choice” and/or just about sexual acts. The simple fact is that our brains are wired to have romantic love others of the same gender, plain and simple. I recently began attending a men’s group run by a psychologist friend that serves as a support group of sorts for men in mid-life who have undergone dramatic and emotional events in their lives – in my case coming out after 24 years of marriage and coming out professionally in the local legal community. The group has been interesting so far and, even though I am the only gay in the group, it’s been informative. Despite all our differences and varied pasts, we somehow connect and can identify with the past struggles and work at changing past behavior patterns that each of us is going through.
In fact, when I described my closeted teen age years, college experiences, and married past, and then my first sexual experience with another guy (brought on by alcohol and stress overload, and definitely not planned), one of the other guys made an amazing remark. He quickly spoke up and said how for the first time it all must have felt real to me because I was no longer playing a role. I admitted that it indeed had felt that way and left me to struggle for two years trying to decide what to do. Despite how much I cared for my wife when we were together, there was a connectedness and completeness that just wasn’t there (through no fault of my wife) compared to that one unplanned encounter during which I thought to myself “this is what I’ve always needed.” It was remarkable that a straight guy readily understood the emotion.
As the votes on the federal hate crimes legislation and EDNA approach, I hope all gays will be open to friends, family, and co-workers and urge them to contact their legislators in Congress (and the Whitehouse, since I fear “Dear Leader” to quote Pam Spaulding, may consider vetoing the bills if they pass Congress).
Along these lines, my boyfriend/partner went out of town yesterday evening and this morning I was truly missing him as I lay in bed alone (He’s in the picture at left with our crazed cat, Bella). One of my favorite things in the morning is to lie cuddled and spooned with him in the morning, just enjoying and savoring the feel of his skin and the warmth of his body against mine, as I feel like I want to utterly melt into him and become one with him. I could do this for hours and I think in some ways, this is most sensual and erotic thing a couple can do and experience together.
Sadly, it’s something I never felt with intensity when I was married, demonstrating, I guess, that no matter how very, very hard one tries to deny their true sexual orientation, emotionally a part of it can never be fully subdued or repressed. Hence, I can only speculate on the lack of full connectedness that the professional “ex-gays” must feel in their “forced” marriages, be it due to religious fervor, the desire to conform to family expectations, or, as I believe is the case with some, for a job and steady income paid by “Christian” Right organizations (i.e., ex-gay for pay).
I do believe a big part of what will change society’s view of LGBT people is for each of us to be open about ourselves and challenge the “Christian” Right lies that sexual orientation is a “choice” and/or just about sexual acts. The simple fact is that our brains are wired to have romantic love others of the same gender, plain and simple. I recently began attending a men’s group run by a psychologist friend that serves as a support group of sorts for men in mid-life who have undergone dramatic and emotional events in their lives – in my case coming out after 24 years of marriage and coming out professionally in the local legal community. The group has been interesting so far and, even though I am the only gay in the group, it’s been informative. Despite all our differences and varied pasts, we somehow connect and can identify with the past struggles and work at changing past behavior patterns that each of us is going through.
In fact, when I described my closeted teen age years, college experiences, and married past, and then my first sexual experience with another guy (brought on by alcohol and stress overload, and definitely not planned), one of the other guys made an amazing remark. He quickly spoke up and said how for the first time it all must have felt real to me because I was no longer playing a role. I admitted that it indeed had felt that way and left me to struggle for two years trying to decide what to do. Despite how much I cared for my wife when we were together, there was a connectedness and completeness that just wasn’t there (through no fault of my wife) compared to that one unplanned encounter during which I thought to myself “this is what I’ve always needed.” It was remarkable that a straight guy readily understood the emotion.
As the votes on the federal hate crimes legislation and EDNA approach, I hope all gays will be open to friends, family, and co-workers and urge them to contact their legislators in Congress (and the Whitehouse, since I fear “Dear Leader” to quote Pam Spaulding, may consider vetoing the bills if they pass Congress).
1 comment:
About the whole 'choice' argument - this is the one I used on my dad when he pulled that crap on me: So you thinks it's choice? Ok, so then I find both women and men attractive, but I CHOOSE men, right? Ok, so you're telling me that you CHOOSE women, right? Then in order for you to CHOOSE, you must find both men and women attractive, but you CHOOSE to do the right thing by being with women? And then he gets all squirrelly and uncomfortable about me accusing him of being attracted to men and my point is made.
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