Why Ralph Northam Should Not Resign

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This will be the last post on this topic hopefully for a while.  A great column in the New York Times lays out why the Democrats' insane, "no forgiveness ever" policy needs to be put on the trash heap.  Yes, the subject of the column is Ralph Northam, who the husband and I truly count as a personal friend - not just someone I name drop as some have alleged in nasty comments on Facebook - but the overall premise is, to me, 100% on point and needs to be heeded by both Democrats and Republicans if we are not to find ourselves in a dark place where one's entire life is ruined by foolish mistakes in the past.  And let's be honest as the column reminds us, most of us are guilty of some act or statement that under the Democrats' insane standard would damn us for life.  We've merely been lucky and not publicly exposed since we are not in the public eye.  It also reminds us that he/she who is totally without any sin is the only one fit to cast the first stone.  (Sadly, these concepts were lost on Equality Virginia which joined the rush to judgment and has perhaps permanently lost my support as a result, if I apply the no forgiveness ever standard EV embraced)  Here are column excerpts:

It’s probably for the best that Ralph Northam seems determined not to resign as governor of Virginia. He may have done something ugly and dumb many years ago, when he was a young man and prevailing notions of socially permissible behavior were uglier and dumber than they are today.

In the 35 years between those two points he has, by all appearances, lived an upstanding life without a hint of racial bias. If we are going to embrace a politics where that’s not enough to save a sitting governor accused of no crime, we’re headed toward a dark place.

I write this as someone who isn’t a Democrat and doesn’t share many of Northam’s views. Nor do I think he covered himself in glory when he accused his Republican opponent, Ed Gillespie, of “racist rhetoric” during the 2017 gubernatorial race, while an advocacy group allied to his campaign ran an ad that made out Gillespie supporters to be homicidal bigots intent on harming minority kids. What goes around comes around, and the temptation for schadenfreude is great.

Then again, each of us might want to perform an internal audit before we join the cast-the-first-stone coalition.

Ever told — or laughed at — a bigoted joke? I have, and I cringe today at what I once found funny. Ever used one of the more common ethnic or sexist slurs — “gypped,” for instance, or “bitch” — or dropped the f-word as it commonly refers to gay people? I’ve been guilty of this too, to my shame. Have ugly generalizations or snap judgments based on ethnic stereotypes perambulated through your mind, even if they didn’t fall out of your mouth? Guilty again.

I admit to all of this not as a form of moral — or immoral — exhibitionism, but because I think it’s true of the overwhelming majority of people irrespective of their race or gender. (If you don’t agree, audit yourself twice.) Few of us are proud of these lapses. Many of us are trying to be considerably more mindful about them. But most of us don’t rip ourselves to pieces over them, either.

That’s because we believe that our worst moments and dumbest utterances shouldn’t define us. That our youthful behavior is more of a reflection of what is around us than a representation of what’s inside. That we deserve to be judged by the decency of our intentions and the totality of our deeds. That we are entitled to a presumption of innocence, a measure of forgiveness, a sense for our times, and multiple opportunities for redemption.

Should Jesse Jackson’s entire life come down to the anti-Semitic words “Hymietown,” uttered by him in 1984 (and comically immortalized by Eddie Murphy)? Should Prince Harry forever be remembered as the royal who dressed as a Nazi? What about Joy Reid’s virulently homophobic blog posts, or Joe Biden’s racially condescending description of Barack Obama as “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean”?

As I said, this is taking us to a dark place. It is hard enough for ordinary, decent people, aware of their shortcomings and capable of shame, to contemplate a career in politics; why would they ever do so if the statute of limitations on past indiscretions never expires? And if they won’t run, aren’t they just ceding the field to those with no shame?

Ralph Northam needs to clear up just who’s in that photo, so Virginians won’t think he’s lying. And he has an opportunity to speak powerfully about the legacy of a casual racism that tainted his generation of Virginians, and about the need for repentance and redemption. The best way for him to do so is as governor.

A Family Wedding - Part II

I had my misgivings a we headed out early this morning to my niece's wedding, but the day proved to be a wonder, happy and healing experience. I believe many old emotional wounds were healed and that my siblings all felt that moving on and allowing the past to remain the past was the order of the day. Moreover, the wedding was a sweet, sentimental and most enjoyable affair with good music, good food and good company. On top of that, the weather cooperated and we had a gorgeous day - even if some of us are a bit sunburned as a result. The view from the house is set out above and the wedding party is set out below (my niece's brother is second from the right and his English wife is at far left). Not surprisingly, the boyfriend worked his usual magic on the bride's and bridesmaids' hair. And at the risk of sounding a bit "woo-woo," I do feel that my parents were with us in spirit today.

Relationships and Their Aftermaths

My friend Euphoric at Real Euphoria writes frequently about relationships and what makes them work and ways in which they are wonderful. He luckily finds himself in what appears from his descriptions to be a wonderful relationship. I, in contrast, find myself in the aftermath of a extended relationship which despite many truly wonderful times ended with acrimony and a degree of physical abuse. I still love my ex-boy friend very much and do not deny that a measure of our problems arose from the nightmares of my divorce saga, the financial mess stemming from the collapse of my former law firm, as well as aspects of me still not having completed the transition to full self acceptance as a gay man. Yet, I do not feel that we can ever undo the damage that was done or move on living as a couple.

That is not to say that I have not forgiven him for everything or that I do not still care for him enormously. He will always have a place in my heart and mind. I simply cannot forget some of what happened and most importantly do not want to be in a position where the worst moments could reoccur. He says that he has changed – and perhaps he truly has - and blames me for not having “changed.” Not forgetting, in my view is not a failure to change, but merely a pragmatic reality that some bad things happened that I never want to experience again.

Where does that leave me? Alone and trying to find comfort in living alone and not thinking I have to be in a relationship to be defined/happy. Fortunately, HRBOR, Equality Virginia and other activities have helped expand my circle of LGBT friends. That is not to say I have found any romance or someone I’d even want to get serious with – my ex continues to not believe this is in fact the case, which in and of itself tells me that he has NOT changed even though I believe he has sincerely tried. Old patterns die hard and are the best indicators of potential future conduct. As Euphoric says often, relationships – and even their aftermath – are hard work. How do I convey to the ex that I love him even though I am afraid for us to ever be a committed couple again? The situation makes me very sad. Any thoughts, recommendations or guidance would be most appreciated.