My friend Euphoric at Real Euphoria writes frequently about relationships and what makes them work and ways in which they are wonderful. He luckily finds himself in what appears from his descriptions to be a wonderful relationship. I, in contrast, find myself in the aftermath of a extended relationship which despite many truly wonderful times ended with acrimony and a degree of physical abuse. I still love my ex-boy friend very much and do not deny that a measure of our problems arose from the nightmares of my divorce saga, the financial mess stemming from the collapse of my former law firm, as well as aspects of me still not having completed the transition to full self acceptance as a gay man. Yet, I do not feel that we can ever undo the damage that was done or move on living as a couple.
That is not to say that I have not forgiven him for everything or that I do not still care for him enormously. He will always have a place in my heart and mind. I simply cannot forget some of what happened and most importantly do not want to be in a position where the worst moments could reoccur. He says that he has changed – and perhaps he truly has - and blames me for not having “changed.” Not forgetting, in my view is not a failure to change, but merely a pragmatic reality that some bad things happened that I never want to experience again.
That is not to say that I have not forgiven him for everything or that I do not still care for him enormously. He will always have a place in my heart and mind. I simply cannot forget some of what happened and most importantly do not want to be in a position where the worst moments could reoccur. He says that he has changed – and perhaps he truly has - and blames me for not having “changed.” Not forgetting, in my view is not a failure to change, but merely a pragmatic reality that some bad things happened that I never want to experience again.
Where does that leave me? Alone and trying to find comfort in living alone and not thinking I have to be in a relationship to be defined/happy. Fortunately, HRBOR, Equality Virginia and other activities have helped expand my circle of LGBT friends. That is not to say I have found any romance or someone I’d even want to get serious with – my ex continues to not believe this is in fact the case, which in and of itself tells me that he has NOT changed even though I believe he has sincerely tried. Old patterns die hard and are the best indicators of potential future conduct. As Euphoric says often, relationships – and even their aftermath – are hard work. How do I convey to the ex that I love him even though I am afraid for us to ever be a committed couple again? The situation makes me very sad. Any thoughts, recommendations or guidance would be most appreciated.
2 comments:
First off, life is a lot of work. And, once smitten by the love of your life (or even one of the loves), it is difficult to let go of the energy and electricity between you and the other person. If you have truly come to the point that you have realized that you love him, but aren't in love with him, then it's time to let him go. And, then, ask yourself: Am I looking for a relationship -- or am I missing him and the passion we had? You should know by now that entering into or continuing a relationship in hopes that the other person will change doesn't work. As difficult as it might be, the best method to get on with it, truly is to be your own person. Let yourself live and love again. And, above all, put some distance between that person -- if you don't, you have not moved on and will find reasons to fall back into old habits and if the location is close enough, you'll sleep with him (although that might be therapeutic in a certain sense, it doesn't move you forward). Try to meet new men and enjoy them and yourself. When you truly let him go and move on, he will not be a permanent fixture, but rather a fond memory. You owe it to yourself and him to open up to the next man who makes you blush. He might not be the one, but it might be the thing to put you back on the road to allowing yourself to love. Everyone deserves to love and be loved. Good tidings for a wonderful season. Just sign me anonymous and post this if you like.
That sounds like really good advice.
All I can offer is friendship and sympathy, and hope that it helps.
I thought of you this morning while I was at church, wondering how you're doing.
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