In Memoriam: Why Gay Bars Are Still So Important

Tommy Pruitt  - the late owner of The Wave.

This evening I attended the visitation for a friend who sadly passed away last week.  While straight and married with children, for years he owned and operated clubs/bars that catered largely to the area LGBT community and provided a safe place for those either not welcomed in other establishments or otherwise unable to be themselves.  In later years, he retained one club, The Wave, that was truly a family operation that employed his children, sister and niece.   It became a lifeline for me, especially in the early years of my coming out journey when I knew few in the LGBT community and was struggling desperately to find self acceptance.  Making matters worse, when I first came out of the closet roughly 17 years ago, being gay in Virginia (and a dozen other states) still carried the potential of a criminal conviction.  Under Virginia's draconian sodomy statute - which Republicans in the Virginia General Assembly still consistently refused to formally repeal -  same sex relations carried a potential felony conviction.  In that climate, one truly needed a safe place to make and meet friends and to gain confidence in being their true selves. The Wave and other gay bars in the area became my safe havens.

While Virginia's statute was struck down in 2003 by the ruling in Lawrence v. Texas, as last week's anti-gay vote of the United Methodist Church General Conference demonstrates,  anti-LGBT animus still runs deep in many segments of society and not only are gays subject to being fired in 29 states, unwelcome in numerous churches, but LGBT youth continue to be disowned by their "devout Christian" parents.  A piece I came across lays out why LGBT bars are important and why their decline in numbers is disturbing:

Not only do bars honor gay history, but they are venues for a person to learn about the gay experience, their bodies, their sexuality, and so much more. As Thomas shared, “for people who don’t have a supportive family or supportive friends or a school system or accounts that don’t necessarily understand what they’re going through, bars and clubs are essential to helping people move to the next step in their process.”

This is because gay bars are the one place where LGBT persons are sure to find other people like them in a non-judgemental arena. Gay bars are historically the original safe space — a place where people could gather without threat — and that is still true today, no matter how large and supplanting technology seems to be.

“You lose the ability to feel like you belong in a space. You lose the ability for community. You lose the ability to congregate with other people who are going through the same struggles as you are.”

Speaking with my late friend's children and sister this evening, several things struck me.  One was how Tommy was ahead of his time.  In fact, his son related to me how his dad taught him to ignore those in the straight community who looked down on their family because they ran LGBT friendly businesses. He said his dad taught him the importance of being accepting and supportive of others and the need to be on the right side of history.  His sister, who talked me through a number of very dark times and resembled the always caring Debbie character on Queer As Folk, repeated the same message and was just as loving as always.  Many millennials may not feel the same need as the older generations to have such safe places, but many still do need these safe havens where one is accepted and not judged for being LGBT.  Fortunately, The Wave will continue to operate.   RIP Tommy Pruitt.  My thoughts and affection - and sincere thanks - go out to the entire Pruitt family.

Was Orlando Straight America’s Stonewall?

Like so many in the LGBT community, I continue to feel the lasting effects of the Orlando massacre that brought out in the open the hatred the LGBT community faces daily.  As my husband has said, that could have been us had we been in Orlando visiting and looking for a fun dance club to visit. And it could have been any gay/gay friendly bar across the country.   While a wake up call to those of us who are LGBT, as noted in a piece in Huffington Post, one can ope that what happened at Pulse on June 12, 2016, will over time prove to be the seminal act of terror/horror that gave straight America the wake up call that it needed to recognize its own complicity in the slaughter.  In my view, there needs to be a much larger discussion of religion's role in fomenting homophobia and the responsibility borne by "good Christians" who fail to forcefully confront - and hopefully over time, silence - the purveyors of anti-LGBT hatred who continue to stand in pulpits across America.  The truth is that Christianity is the wellspring from which homophobia was globalized.  The following are highlights from the HuffPo piece on how Orlando will make a lasting difference:

President Obama made history last Friday by conferring national monument status upon the site of the Stonewall Rebellion. As of yesterday’s dedication, Stonewall became the first national monument commemorating an event in LGBT history. That the president took this step with the nation still reeling from the antigay massacre in Orlando highlights how the two events — Stonewall and Orlando — are intertwined as major inflection points in the movement for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) equality.

The mass shooting at Orlando’s gay nightclub Pulse jolted straight Americans in much the same way that 1969’s Stonewall Rebellion accelerated the LGBT rights movement. Like Stonewall, Orlando catalyzed a collective self-reckoning and resolve for progress. But unlike Stonewall and the other anti-LGBT attacks that followed it in the decades since, Orlando’s aftershocks have rocked all of America - most notably Straight America - and not just LGBTs.

No LGBT American needed yet another reminder of the dangers we face on a daily basis. Orlando was not the first mass murder motivated by antigay hate.  . . . Many LGBT Americans have been the victims of violent crimes motivated by antigay or antitrans animus. In fact, the FBI classifies LGBT Americans as significantly more likely than any other minority - including Latinos/as and African-Americans - to be targeted by hate crimes.

So, while the Orlando mass shooting was horrifying to LGBT people, it did not necessarily surprise us. It was anti-gay violence and hate of the kind to which we have grown accustomed. We have learned to coexist with precarity, and walk the netless high wire that outness often entails.

Orlando’s aftermath, however, has differed materially from that of prior anti-gay mass hate crimes. This time, LGBT Americans were not left to mourn alone. To the contrary, there has been a loud, sustained, and unprecedented outcry by straightpeople condemning what happened in Orlando - and not solely as a mass shooting of unprecedented magnitude, but as an expressly and intolerably antigay mass hate crime.

Some statements rang hollow, like those from politicians and religious leaders known for trafficking in antigay hate in exchange for votes or donations. But a great many came across as sincere and heartfelt.

Some of the boldest displays of solidarity came from corners not usually known to be welcoming, nevermind attuned, to the LGBT community. Sports, for example. 

Teresa Jacobs, the mayor of Orange County, FL, which includes Orlando City, at the Lake Eola vigil that drew 50,000 straight and LGBT mourners lamented that the straight majority’s indifference to homophobia’s ubiquity helped the Orlando Massacre happen. She said: “We failed them when we were insensitive....and we failed them when we knew it was wrong, and we did nothing.” She observed that her “generation and the generations before were indoctrinated with beliefs and messages that fostered and perpetuated hate and prejudice, sometimes intentionally....” She called “on every member of our straight community to open their hearts to acceptance, to embrace diversity, and to cherish our differences.”

Slate’s J. Bryan Lowder reported from Orlando that “[a] number of queer folks [he] spoke with...observed that, in the wake of the tragedy, straight people in their lives seemed to be experiencing a kind of revelation about how precarious and stressful being LGBTQ still is in America.” He quoted one person as saying, “people are getting woke, right?” . . . . Many straight Americans arrived at these distressing realizations in Orlando’s wake, after having been lulled into the false reassurance that last year’s nationwide marriage equality victory represented the full normalization of gay life. 

This heightened interweaving of Straight with LGBT America cultivated the familiarity and empathy demonstrated so vividly, everywhere, over the last two weeks. It rendered the Orlando Massacre a catalytic event in LGBT history - as a straight counterpart to Stonewall. It is a watershed moment that is accelerating progress in the LGBT movement by raising awareness, activating countless new straight allies, and mainstreaming demands for full LGBT equality.

Orlando’s aftermath has recruited legions of new straight allies to the LGBT movement. The LGBT civil rights movement is no longer a movement for and by LGBT Americans. It is an American movement. For and by all of us.

I hope the author's prediction proves right.  Meanwhile, we in the LGBT community need to keep the pressure up on  the many new straight allies and help to focus efforts on destroying the roots of homophobia in America: toxic religion and shameless Republican politicians who use anti-LGBT animus literally daily to promote themselves with the hate-filled Christofascists.  

Ann Dearsley-Vernon: Making Your Mark- Starting the Sit-Ins

Ann Dearsley-Vernon (at far left) and 2 friends at the Women's College of North Carolina gave up their seats to African-American students at Woolworth's in Greensboro,NC, it helped to launch the sit-in movement in 1960 (Photo: National Civil Rights Museum)

As I have noted in various posts, what helped me beyond measure in rebuilding my social life and finding self-acceptance after coming out was to become involved in LGBT rights organizations.  Among the first endeavors that I involved my self was the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia.  The first honoree of the now annual Legends Gala was Ann Dearsley-Vernon, a wonderful LGBT equality ally and one who was in involved in the civil rights movement in the 1960's when she was a college student.  With the attention again being refocused on those days thanks to the movie "Selma" local WVEC -TV 13 recently carried a story on Ann and her courage and willingness to do what was right (I deem it a true honor to count Ann as a friend).  Here are excerpts:

Today, Ann Dearsley-Vernon is 76 years old. A stroke two years ago slowed her walking and her speech, but the memories of how she helped make history during the Civil Rights movement are still clear as day.

In 1960, when America was embroiled in the Civil Rights movement, Ann and a couple of friends from Greensboro Women's College walked into a Woolworth store in Greensboro, North Carolina up to the lunch counter to eat.  Ann was a graduate student in fine arts.

They noticed African-American students were not being served. Ann and her friends gave up their seats to African-American students.

This incident went down in the history books as helping to launch the sit-in movement -- a series of non-violent protests at other eateries across the South that refused to serve African-Americans. It rejuvenated Civil Rights efforts led by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"We had no idea it would be so important,"Ann said. "We thought it was the right thing to do."

Sticking to their principles led to tensions mounting at the Woolworth lunch counter. Ann and her friends were yelled at and were threatened by people who were angry at what they did. Ann says someone even pressed a knife against her back.

"At the time it was very scary," Ann said.  She and her friends were escorted out of Woolworth by a group of African-American student-athletes from the NC A&T football team, who linked arms to protect them.

Ann moved to Norfolk in 1973, becoming a key figure in the arts community. She also became heavily involved in community programs that encouraged celebrating diversity and eliminating prejudice, winning several awards for her work.

One of those awards was the first "legends" award for Ann's work for LGBT equality.  The husband and I saw her during the holidays and she is a great lady.  A truly great lady.   Again, my message to those coming out, especially later in life, is to GET INVOLVED.  It will change your life and you may be lucky enough to meet some incredibly amazing people along the way.  

Straights, It’s Time to Leave Your Homophobic Church

I have long encouraged LGBT individuals to walk away from the homophobic religious traditions in which they were raised.  To remain a member of a church that despises you is nothing short of a form of masochism.  One of the best things I ever did for my own mental health and self-acceptance was to walk away from the Roman Catholic Church.  But it's not just gays who need to leave homophobic churches.  So must their families and, truth be told, those who claim to be friends and allies of the LGBT community.  Being social friends with gays while attending and financially supporting anti-gay churches cannot be reconciled.  It's akin to having a few black friends even as you remain a member of the KKK.  You don't get to have it both ways.  A piece in Slate looks at this need for straights to walk away form homophobic churches.  Here are highlights:

Homophobia in religious communities is unquestionably endemic. Pope Francis recently described gay and lesbian families as “bastardized.” Southern Baptist leaders have suggested that gays are “abominations” controlled by Satan. Countless sermons, prayers, and Sunday school classes have been devoted to the demonization and condemnation of LGBTQ individuals. But for many gay youth, the most crushing aspect is seeing their friends and families unflinchingly accept these lessons in bigotry. If this environment sounds familiar to you, it’s time to leave your church.

Simply attending a homophobic church reinforces the hopelessness and despair many LGBTQ churchgoers experience on a daily basis. In supporting these churches, millions of parishioners across America tacitly endorse a vicious brand of homophobia that puts gay congregants at an increased risk for depressive disorders, substance abuse, and suicide attempts. More often than not, adolescents are most susceptible to these negative messages. In their zeal to condemn homosexuality as sinful, many churches have become toxic theological wastelands for young people.

Published in the Journal of Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior this past June, a survey of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals who had attempted suicide found that only 23 percent of respondents sought out mental health or medical treatment before their suicide attempts. The median age of a first suicide attempt was 17.4 years old. The age at which individuals first recognized their sexual minority identity was 17.9. In other words, suicide attempts tend to happen during periods of questioning and coming out.

Another 14 percent of respondents sought religious or spiritual counsel. Shockingly, these individuals were more likely to attempt suicide than those who sought no treatment or professional care. This disproportionately affects black lesbian, gay, and bisexual parishioners, who were far more likely than white or Latino congregants to seek religious advice about dealing with their sexuality.

Silence in the face of homophobia from the pulpit is as much an affirmation of bigotry as the sermon itself. Support for these churches—even through attendance—sends a clear message to LGBTQ youth: You are not welcome; you are an abomination. While many churches suggest that preaching “the truth” about homosexuality is showing “love,” it is nothing more than an agonizing torture ritual designed to demoralize, demean, and disempower LGBTQ youth. And it must no longer be supported.

Anti-gay churches are no longer the only option. The opportunity is there to send a new message of acceptance and affirmation to LGBTQ youth in the religious community. For the sake of your children, your neighbors, your loved ones, and your friends, it’s time to leave your anti-gay church.

Chris Kluwe: Minnesota Vikings Fired Me Because Of My Gay Marriage Activism

In addition to the gay rumors swirling around Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, another gay related shit storm is raging in pro football circles as former  Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe is saying that he was fired by the Vikings because of his outspoken activism opposing Minnesota's anti-gay marriage amendment.  Via Joe My God, Kluwe said:

"Hello. My name is Chris Kluwe, and for eight years I was the punter for the Minnesota Vikings. In May 2013, the Vikings released me from the team. At the time, quite a few people asked me if I thought it was because of my recent activism for same-sex marriage rights, and I was very careful in how I answered the question. My answer, verbatim, was always, 'I honestly don't know, because I'm not in those meetings with the coaches and administrative people.' This is a true answer. I honestly don't know if my activism was the reason I got fired. However, I'm pretty confident it was. [snip]

It's my belief, based on everything that happened over the course of 2012, that I was fired by Mike Priefer, a bigot who didn't agree with the cause I was working for, and two cowards, Leslie Frazier and Rick Spielman, both of whom knew I was a good punter and would remain a good punter for the foreseeable future, as my numbers over my eight-year career had shown, but who lacked the fortitude to disagree with Mike Priefer on a touchy subject matter."

As one might expect, the Vikings and their sycophants are vehemently denying Kluwe's allegations.    To be honest, I suspect that Kluwe is 100% on the money, especially because of this:

On Sept. 8, the head coach of the Vikings, Leslie Frazier, called me into his office after our morning special-teams meeting. I anticipated it would be about the letter (punters aren't generally called into the principal's office). Once inside, Coach Frazier immediately told me that I "needed to be quiet, and stop speaking out on this stuff" (referring to my support for same-sex marriage rights). I told Coach Frazier that I felt it was the right thing to do (what with supporting equality and all), and I also told him that one of his main coaching points to us was to be "good men" and to "do the right thing." He reiterated his fervent desire for me to cease speaking on the subject, stating that "a wise coach once told me there are two things you don't talk about in the NFL, politics and religion." I repeated my stance that this was the right thing to do, that equality is not something to be denied anyone, and that I would not promise to cease speaking out. At that point, Coach Frazier told me in a flat voice, "If that's what you feel you have to do," and the meeting ended. The atmosphere was tense as I left the room.

Throughout the months of September, October, and November, Minnesota Vikings special-teams coordinator Mike Priefer would use homophobic language in my presence. He had not done so during minicamps or fall camp that year, nor had he done so during the 2011 season. He would ask me if I had written any letters defending "the gays" recently and denounce as disgusting the idea that two men would kiss, and he would constantly belittle or demean any idea of acceptance or tolerance. I tried to laugh these off while also responding with the notion that perhaps they were human beings who deserved to be treated as human beings. Mike Priefer also said on multiple occasions that I would wind up burning in hell with the gays, and that the only truth was Jesus Christ and the Bible. . . . . I felt uncomfortable each time Mike Priefer said these things. After all, he was directly responsible for reviewing my job performance, but I hoped that after the vote concluded in Minnesota his behavior would taper off and eventually stop.

Near the end of November, several teammates and I were walking into a specialist meeting with Coach Priefer. We were laughing over one of the recent articles I had written supporting same-sex marriage rights, and one of my teammates made a joking remark about me leading the Pride parade. As we sat down in our chairs, Mike Priefer, in one of the meanest voices I can ever recall hearing, said: "We should round up all the gays, send them to an island, and then nuke it until it glows." The room grew intensely quiet, and none of the players said a word for the rest of the meeting. The atmosphere was decidedly tense. I had never had an interaction that hostile with any of my teammates on this issue—some didn't agree with me, but our conversations were always civil and respectful. Afterward, several told me that what Mike Priefer had said was "messed up."

The Christofascists and those who pander to them feel free to say and do whatever they want and the rest of society is supposed to bow and give deference to their "deeply held religious beliefs."  Yet when others stand by their deeply held beliefs, look out if those beliefs offend the hate filled Christofascists.  For the record, I hold most pro sports in contempt.  But football is among the worse and, candidly, the game reminds me of an updated version of gladiatorial games with some of the players having intelligence levels that would embarrass draft animals.  For that matter, these players are as ignorant as the "godly Christian" folks who believe that the Bible is inerrant. 

Prince Harry: Soldier's Protector from Anti-Gay Hate?

Royal protection: Prince Harry

The British publication, The Daily Mail, is carrying a story about a book, "Out in the Army," that former British Trooper James Wharton has written that tells about his ten-year military career.  In a portion of the book Wharton tells about his surprising protector from threats of anti-gay violence: HRH Prince Harry.   Despite his at times scandalous escapades, Harry remains a breath of fresh air in the British monarchy and  never seems to take himself too seriously or ignore the plight of others.  Here are some excepts from the Mail piece:

A gay soldier told last night how Prince Harry bravely rescued him from a terrifying homophobic attack by squaddies from a rival regiment.

The Prince stepped in to save Trooper James Wharton after he was confronted by six soldiers threatening to ‘batter’ him.

Trooper Wharton fled to find Harry – who was his tank commander – and tearfully told the Prince what had happened.

‘I told him, “I think I’m going to be murdered by the infantry.” I climbed into the turret and talked Harry through exactly what had happened. He had a complete look of bewilderment on his face.
‘I couldn’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. He said, “Right I’m going to sort this s*** out once and for all.” 

'He climbed out of the tank and I poked my head out of  the turret a few moments later to see him having a go,’ Wharton said.  Harry, a Troop Commander in the Blues and Royals, confronted the tormentors, warning them they would face severe discipline if they continued their violent threats.

The remarkable incident reinforces the view of Harry as an officer with unfailing commitment to the troops under his command. 

The confrontation came on a training exercise in Canada in September 2008 and is detailed in a book Wharton has written about his ten-year military career, Out In The Army – exclusive extracts from which appear in today’s Mail on Sunday.

Homosexuality had been legal in the British Forces since 2000, but there was still a long way to go. I found this to my cost just few years later when I woke badly injured in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, the result of a vicious attack by a fellow  soldier at my Knightsbridge barracks. 

He had kicked, punched and battered me with an iron pole as he screamed words like ‘queer’. I looked horrific. The blood was oozing out of me. If he’d continued, he’d have faced a murder charge.

But 12 months later, when one of my officers in the Household Cavalry looked at a photograph of me and my boyfriend on my barrack room wall – and told me we looked good together – I knew I had made the right decision to be open about my sexuality. That officer was Prince Harry, and he was to prove one of my greatest protectors.

Trooper Wharton

Chris Kluwe: A Gay NFL Player Will Not Be A Distraction

Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe (pictured above from an Out Magazine shoot) continues to be a vocal supporter of both gay marriage and gay athletes and their right to come out if they so desire. He has some strong words for homophobic pro-athletes and has pens a powerful piece on CNN about gay players and whether they would be a "distraction" to a team.  Candidly, I am not much of a pro sports fan, but I am a huge fan of Chris Kluwe.  Here are some highlights from his op-ed followed by a video clip:

"Don't be a distraction."  These words are pounded into every single NFL player's head from the day he enters the league until the day he leaves (and I would imagine it holds true for just about every professional sport).

The same message, over and over and over -- "The team comes first," "Sacrifice your personal goals to win," "Only be judged by what goes on between the lines" -- which is why I find it unsurprising that there are no openly gay athletes in any of the big four professional sports leagues in the U.S.: the NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB.

This isn't right.  It's not right that professional sports, and especially the professional sports media, have created an environment where gay players are willing to hide essential components of themselves as human beings in order to pursue their dreams, in order to not be a distraction. It's not right that our insatiable lust for sports coverage creates an atmosphere where someone would willingly subordinate his life to a backward and bigoted worldview in order to stay employed.

Why do people care so much about someone else's sexuality? Why do people give two s***s how someone else lives his life? Why do people have this absolutely idiotic notion that being gay has any sort of effect on how well a player can play football, or basketball, or baseball? Why the f*** do I even have to write this column for a major news organization to talk about something that shouldn't even remotely be a factor in sports?

Well, the reason is simple. I'm writing this because no gay player is currently out, and the first gay player who eventually does come out needs to know that -- despite all the indoctrination from the league about not being a distraction -- if he's the one to take the first step, he will have allies. He will have support. He will have those of us who realize that people's sexuality doesn't define who they are, just as their jobs don't define who they are, and that guys who bring our wives and children to games and team events are no different than those who would bring their husbands and children.

Most importantly, I'm writing this so that coaches, managers, players, owners and fans realize that the first gay player who comes out won't spontaneously cause rainbows to erupt out of everyone's rear.

Instead of looking at an openly gay player as a distraction, ask yourselves -- how much better would that player play if he didn't have to worry about hiding a core part of who he is? How many more sacks would he have, free of that pressure? How many more receptions? How many more rushing yards?

Fans, media -- will an openly gay player be a distraction? Only if you make it one. Only if you insist on denying someone the freedom to live his own life on his own terms, instead of under someone else's control. Stop worrying about who a player dates; worry about his completion percentage, or tackles for loss, or return average. I can promise you, on Sundays the only thing he's worried about is lining up and doing his job to the best of his ability, or else he's going to be cut (just like any of us).

Players -- Those of you worried about a gay teammate checking out your ass in the shower, or hitting on you in the steam room, or bringing too much attention to the team -- I have four simple words for you. Grow the f*** up. This is our job, we are adults, so would you kindly act like one?

Marie Osmond Endorses Gay Marriage

In a striking break for the Mormon Church, Marie Osmond has come out in support of gay marriage.  The video clip is above.  More will follow in another post on the Mormon Church launch of a fraudulent "ex-gay" program.  The boyfriend and I are off to a memorial service for a friend's mother.