John Paulk: To Straight and Back - The Ex-Gay Myth

Despite all of the medical and mental health knowledge to the contrary and despite the growing acceptance of gays by Americans, the Christofascists continue to strive to maintain the myth that gays can "change" and/or that homosexuality is a "choice."  Illustrating just how much control the Christofascists now have over the Republican Party, the Texas GOP recently added support for "ex-gay" conversion "therapy" to that state's GOP party platform.  The manner in which today's GOP rejects knowledge and fact is indeed stunning.  Few people have played a more prominent role in the "ex-gay" myth that John Paulk, the former poster boy for ex-gays for pay who even appeared on the cover of Newsweek with his still closeted wife.  In a front page piece in Politico, Paulk comes clean on the lies he helped perpetuate and unloads on Rick Perry and the Texas GOP among others.  Seemingly, Paulk feels shame and remorse for what he did  even though in some ways he was a victim of the Christofascists who happily played upon his psychological needs and desire to be "what was expected."  Having spent 37 years of my own life in denial and filled with self-loathing, I can identify with what Paulk has to say.  Here are article excerpts:

There was a time in my life when I used to sound a lot like Rick Perry. In fact, for more than ten years I was one of the nation’s leading spokesmen for the “ex-gay” movement. I traveled the country telling audiences that being gay was a preventable condition, and it could be treated if only you followed a simple plan, obeyed God and sought repentance for your sins. “Ladies and gentlemen, homosexuality is not a genetic, inborn condition,” I would say. “It is the result of traceable causes that, once unraveled, can bring about understanding and transformation in the life of one who is motivated and submitted to God.”

Oh, I was a believer: Homosexuality was just WRONG. And I was Exhibit A, a self-declared convert who had managed to overcome my own shameful gay past. I even appeared on the cover of Newsweek magazine in 1998, posing alongside my wife as a poster boy for “going straight.” And I was happy to do it: Those stories gave me a national platform to advocate for what is called “gay reparative therapy”—basically, convincing gay people that they were sexually “broken” and could be provided with a way to change.

But I was in denial. It wasn’t in fact true, any of it. Worse than being wrong, it was harmful to many people—and caused me years of pain in my own life. Which is why I have this to say to the Rick Perrys of the world: You don’t understand this issue. At all.

What worries me more is the ignorance betrayed by Perry’s comments—an ignorance that I believe is still widespread among conservatives in the straight world—about what being gay means. The kind of ignorance revealed by those in Perry’s Texas Republican Party who recently inserted a plank in their party platform declaring homosexuality to be a “chosen behavior” and recognizing the “legitimacy and efficacy” of gay reparative therapy.

As long as this widespread misunderstanding in the straight world about homosexuality persists, that it is a choice or a “lifestyle,” as Perry put it, not only will we never be fully accepted by society, some of us will remain unable to accept ourselves. It’s internalized homophobia: you hate what you are. It is a form of self-inflicted torture that has haunted me my entire life, and I do not want young gay women and men today to go through what I went through. I want to tell them—and Rick Perry: We are not broken, damaged, inferior or throwaways. We are created in the image of God—just like everyone else.

I came out as a senior in high school in Ohio and embraced my homosexuality. I found wide acceptance within my family, and I lived openly as a homosexual until the age of 24. But around that point in my life I found myself becoming very despondent, even suicidal. I attributed my unhappiness to my homosexuality. In reality, I was tremendously insecure, lonely and searching for an identity. I could no longer accept myself.

[T]he campus pastor introduced me to Christianity. I told him, “God can’t love me because I’m gay.” The pastor replied, in essence, that this wasn’t true, that God could love me, but he added that if I continued being gay, God would not be pleased with my life. I came to believe that homosexuality was something that God was against, and if I continued to embrace it, I would not be pleasing to Him. And I very much wanted please Him.

I signed up for a year-long residential program called “Steps Out of Homosexuality.” There were 12 of us in a house, and we ate, worked and did bible study together. We went to church together too. On Tuesday and Thursday nights, we had long discussions about various aspects of homosexuality—including the Exodus view of how it developed from a breakdown in family relationships such as that between a boy and his father. There were plenty of lapses, but we persevered.

Reparative therapy is, by definition, based on the notion that something is “broken” in one’s identity, needing repair. You are meant to feel like damaged goods, and the therapy is designed to fix that.

I so wanted to be and to feel “normal.” I would look at men at the checkout counter wearing wedding rings, and I’d want to be one of them. I thought, if I’m straight I’ll feel normal. In those early days after my conversion, the temptations to be among my gay friends and once again be part of the gay community were so strong that I would kneel down in my bathroom and beg God to help me not be gay.  And so even as I pursued this career as a professional ex-gay man, and raised a family and loved my wife, I was in utter torment.

I struggled off and on with addiction and wanting to take my life. I knew I was living on the inside as two people. I wanted to believe it was true so badly that not only did I lie to other people, I primarily lied to myself. I wanted my homosexuality to change, but the truth is: For all my public rhetoric, I was never one bit less gay.

More and more, when I’d have to get up and speak to crowds about my gay conversion, I felt like a wind-up toy. I’d go back to my hotel room, fall on the bed and start weeping. I thought, “If I have to go out and do that one more time, I will literally throw up.” I was in agony.

Everything began to change in 2000, when I was photographed in a gay bar in Washington, DC. I had not gone into a gay bar since the late ‘80s, and I wasn’t looking for sex. I just wanted to be among my own kind, to feel at home, for a brief period. I was board chairman of Exodus at the time, and after the news broke I had to resign. It was an enormous public scandal.

[I]t was more and more apparent to me that I was what I always had been: gay.   The older I got, the lonelier I was becoming. Three years ago, I was driving down a suburban street and I saw two men holding hands. I burst into tears. I realized that … I wanted to be one of those men. I knew my decision would hurt my wife and family, but I began to move toward authenticity.

In my view, the ones who are "broken" are the Christofascists who do not care how much harm they cause just so that they can try to cling to the house of cards religious beliefs.   Their ultimate fear is that if the few Bible passages they cling to about same sex relationships are wrong, then perhaps the entire Bible is wrong.  Their damaged psyche's cannot bear realizing that they, not gays, are the ones who have been living their lives based on a lie.  Kudos to Paulk for finally accepting the truth.

PFOX Unwittingly Showcases Parental Child Abuse

As this blog has noted countless times at this point, EVERY legitimate medical and mental health association in America condemns so-called reparative therapy and concludes that gay conversion efforts do not work.  Even former ex-gay poster boy John Paulk and the former president of Exodus International have admitted the claims of "change" are little more than lies and self-delusion.  But that doesn't stop parasite "ex-gay" ministries from preying on the gullible and pandering to parents who are more concerned about what people will think about them than they are for the welfare of their child.  These parents, in my view, are the height of selfishness.  They ought to be charged with child abuse.  Right Wing Watch looks at the batshitery that is the norm for PFOX - Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays - which is a far right Christofascists organization staffed by self-loathing "ex-gays for pay" like Greg Quinlan.  Here are story excerpts - Note the traits that supposedly make one susceptible to homosexuality and the number of discredited quacks cited as "experts":

A recently released spring newsletter [PDF] of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX) includes an essay by Steve and Janice Graham, who describe their efforts to rid their son of his “destructive” homosexuality.

Quoting ex-gay therapist Charles Socarides’ claim that coming out amounts “to a kind of murder of the family,” the Grahams write that they believed their son is gay because he started “looking at body builders online” and had “personality traits (high intelligence, curiosity, overconfidence, and a tendency to overanalyze) [that] made him more susceptible to porn and homosexuality.”

“To us, homosexuality is a deviation, a disorder, a willful rebellion, or a combination of these,” they write, adding that their son’s ex-gay therapist told him to “tell us every homosexual feeling or thought he experienced each day.”

The newsletter also features articles on Mother’s Day and President Obama’s supposed attempt “to ‘queer’ America” and promote “homosexual addicts.”

When our son admitted his problems with homosexuality, we took him to see a psychiatrist—but it was too upsetting for him. He thought we believed he was crazy. We didn’t know what to think. We were in shock—and a bit of denial.

In his book, A Freedom Too Far, Dr. Charles Socarides describes how we felt during this time: 

“Announcements like this that our kids have suddenly decided [or in our son’s case, become convinced] they’re gay amount to a kind of murder of the family. Parents can’t imagine things that are worse. It’s something like a premature Alzheimer’s disease; there’s no more real communication, no more sharing of experience, now, or ever. Some great parents can say that this is okay. But, deep down, they know they are deluding themselves. This can mean the end of hopes and dreams for their kids—that they will some day experience the extreme joys that have been repeated over and over again since civilization began, that they will become parents. And make them grandparents. To know that this isn’t going to happen—well, it’s a sadness.”

 …
Years later, our son’s therapist concluded he wouldn’t have struggled with homosexual tendencies had it not been for the pervasive homosexual influence of the internet. In other words, he was fed a gay identity. It began with the power of suggestion—by our son looking at body builders online. Having endured a lot of teasing from his peers, he was curious about his male body. He wondered if he had what it took to be a “real man.”

Many parents today back off when their child tells them they’re “gay.” This never occurred to us. To us, homosexuality is a deviation, a disorder, a willful rebellion, or a combination of these. It isn’t anyone’s true self. As Michael Glatze notes, “The whole gay identity is completely a fabrication. You’re not a homosexual; you’re a heterosexual with a homosexual problem. It’s literally all in your mind.”

In “Seven Ways to Recruit-Proof Your Child,” Scott Lively writes “it’s never too late for a child to recover his innate heterosexual orientation.” He cautions: “it will take much more work than taking preventive action would have.”

 

I can only imagine the psychological damage done to the child of these insane and self-centered parents.  From 37 years of trying to "change," I know that this bullshit doesn't work and all it does in cause internalized self-hate and self-loathing.  I pity the child of these horrible people.

North Carolina GOP Anti-Gay Equality Candidate Was Oncea Drag Queen

The bizarre insanity of today's Republican Party took a new twist as news broke that a Republican candidate in North Carolina who is vociferous in his denunciation of gays and gay marriage was once a drag performer.  No doubt, Steve Wiles (pictured at right) will claim that he "accepted Jesus," was "saved," and is no longer gay.  Pretty much the same storyline of lies that John Paulk spewed for years during his "ex-gay for pay" days.  The Advocate looks at this truly bizarre story.  Here are excerpts:

A North Carolina State Senate candidate who opposes marriage equality once worked as a drag performer in a gay bar and identified as gay at the time, the Winston-Salem Journal reports.

Steve Wiles, a 34-year-old real estate agent who is running for office as a Republican, worked at the now-defunct Club Odyssey in Winston-Salem in the early 2000s, the club’s former owner told the paper in a story published Saturday. He performed in drag under the name Mona Sinclair and emceed a drag show there, and also was a promoter of regional pageants within the Miss Gay America system, the paper reports.

For the past three weeks, the media has been questioning Wiles about his alleged drag past, and his responses “have ranged from categorical denial to tacit admission,” the Journal reports. This week he told the newspaper, “I have already apologized to the people who matter most to me for the things I did when I was young” and “I do not condone the things I did when I was young.”

“Why would you want to get into that knowing your past?” said Randy Duggins, the former co-owner of Club Odyssey. “He’s a hypocrite.”

 Asked if he considers himself “ex-gay,” he told Business Insider, “I really won’t make any comments on that.” When Business Insider asked if he left the Miss Gay America system because he objected to “the gay lifestyle” (the website’s wording), he said that was indeed the reason. The Journal, however, reported that he was suspended from the organization for misconduct.

He blamed political rivals for the Journal article.

 Only in today's bizarre, dysfunctional GOP.

Newsweek's Devastating Piece on the Vile Ex-Gay Myth

1998 Newsweek cover - all of which was a lie

 Back in 1998 while I was still in the closet trying valiantly to convince myself that I wasn't really gay, Newsweek magazine did a front page cover piece on the "ex-gay" ministries and suggested that sexual orientation was in fact changeable.  The piece featured John Paulk and his then wife on the cover - see the image above - and went into great detail about how conversion therapy was supposedly turning gays into heterosexuals.  In retrospect, we all know that the entire storyline was and is a lie, but one has to wonder how many individuals redoubled their efforts to "pray away the gay."  I know that I certainly did, all to no effect, of course.  Only after an unplanned encounter did I finally admit reality to myself.  Now, a lengthy article in a new issue of Newsweek looks at John Paulk, who is no once again living as an openly gay man (the article also notes the exposure of Michael Johnston as a fraud thanks to the efforts of Wayne Besen and yours truly), that basically drops an atomic bomb on the snake oil merchants who continue to peddle the ex-gay myth.  These charlatans include Paulk's former wife who continues to market the ex-gay myth in a manner that makes a tawdry prostitute look down right virtuous.  Here are article excerpts:

On a Tuesday evening nearly 14 years ago, John Paulk walked into a gay bar in Washington, D.C. At another time in his life, Paulk would have fit right in. But in 2000, Paulk’s life as an openly gay man was far behind him. He was then one of the most prominent so-called ex-gays in the country, only two years removed from appearing on the cover of Newsweek, posing with his smiling wife for an article about gay conversion therapy.

At 37, Paulk had spent the prior 13 years involved with Exodus International, one of the largest and most influential ex-gay organizations in the world. He married another ex-gay, Anne, and together they rose through the ranks, becoming leaders and eventually the faces of a movement that attracted thousands with its message that, if they tried hard enough, gay and lesbian people could become happy heterosexuals. “Change is possible” was their rallying cry. You just needed to surrender yourself to God. Look at us, they said to rooms of thousands. Look how happy we are.

Today, Paulk is openly gay again, divorced and running a catering business in Portland, Oregon. But in the late 1990s and early 2000s, he was trying hard to keep the closet door closed, while preaching a message of ex-gay deliverance from within it.

Far-right groups including the Family Research Council and the American Family Association pooled $600,000 to place ads promising the effectiveness of reparative therapy in The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, and the Chicago Tribune. Anne and John Paulk smiled from full-page newspaper spreads.

In front of the crowds and cameras, Paulk was the image of certainty. But backstage, he was faltering. More than that, he knew he was lying.

“It’s funny, for those of us that worked in it, behind closed doors, we knew we hadn't really changed,” he says. “Our situations had changed—we had gotten married, and some of us had children, so our roles had changed. I was a husband and father; that was my identity. And the homosexuality had been tamped down. But you can only push it down for so long, and it would eke its way out every so often.”

[B]y 2003, he was burned out.  “I would be in hotel rooms, and I would be on my face sobbing and crying on the bed,” he says. “I felt like a liar and a hypocrite. Having to go out and give hope to these people. I was in despair knowing that what I was telling them was not entirely honest. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Even in its earliest days, Exodus’s philosophy—that same-sex attraction meant a person was “broken” and could be “fixed”—was undermined by the reality of its members’ actions. Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper, two of the co-founders, left the movement in 1979 to be in a committed relationship with one another. (Bussee has spent the decades since actively fighting Exodus’s message.) John Evans, one of the founders of Love in Action (LIA), an early ex-gay ministry that helped establish Exodus in 1974, left LIA after a friend committed suicide over his distress at being unable to change his sexual orientation. "They're destroying people's lives,” Evans told The Wall Street Journal in 1993. “They're living in a fantasy world.” (LIA has since changed its name to Restoration Path.)

But all the far-right funding and rapid expansion did little more than prop up a withering institution. A series of scandals chipped away at the ex-gay movement’s veneer of success. 

First came the photo of Paulk in the gay bar. Then in 2003, Michael Johnson, founder of “National Coming Out of Homosexuality Day,” was revealed to have infected men he’d met on the Internet with HIV through unprotected sex. John Smid, who joined LIA in 1986 and eventually became its executive director, left the organization in 2008. Three years later, Smid wrote on his blog that he "never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual," and that reorientation is impossible, because being gay is intrinsic.

Then it crumbled further. In 2012, psychologist Robert Spitzer . . . . retracted a controversial study, published in 2003, often cited by the ex-gay community that had concluded some “highly motivated” individuals could change their sexual orientation. Spitzer wrote an apology to LGBT people who “wasted time and energy” on reparative therapy. 

By that time, policy within Exodus began to genuinely shift. “We renounced and forbid reparative therapy,” in 2012, Chambers tells Newsweek. “And there was an enormous split inside Exodus. Many who were more fundamentalist in approach had already broken off and formed Restored Hope Network.” Anne Paulk, John’s ex-wife, was one of those who left.

Lastly, there’s the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), . . .  In 2007, NARTH therapist Chris Austin was convicted of sexually assaulting a client, and sentenced to 10 years in prison; in 2010, NARTH board member George Rekers was found to have employed a male prostitute as a companion for a two-week European vacation; and in 2012 the Internal Revenue Service revoked NARTH’s nonprofit status for not properly filing its paperwork.

Today, Paulk strongly believes that no child or teen should be put through any type of “treatment” for their sexual orientation. On the other hand, he says adults should have the right to pursue any therapy they choose. “If I go see a therapist because I am uncomfortable with homosexual feelings or attractions and I do not feel that those are compatible with who I see myself to be, [I] should have the right to determine the course of [my] therapy,” Paulk says. “However, I completely draw the line when it comes to minors.”

The tragedy that Paulk lives with to this day is that organizations like JONAH often specifically target minors, with summer camps and teen programs. “For 25 years I felt guilty and filled with self-loathing, trying to reject this part about myself. I’m culpable—I spread the message that my sexuality had changed, and I used my marriage as proof of that,” Paulk says.

Paulk’s story echoes those of many others whose lives were damaged by the shame, guilt, and self-loathing that marked their involvement with ex-gay therapy, and who overcame their past to eventually live life as their LGBT selves. 

Paulk, meanwhile, hopes his story encourages others to overcome their own fears and uncertainties. “It’s difficult, but worth it at the end of the day because of the peace that comes with it. It’s happy on the other side.”

John Paulk in 2013

From my own experience, I agree with Paulk.  Once one admits that they are gay and that it is neither a choice or something changeable and comes to terms with that reality, it is so liberating and, with adjustment, brings a peacefulness never experienced during all the years of trying to change and to be something that nature (God?) did not intend you to be.  In my view, those who continue to peddle the "ex-gay lie" like Paulk's ex-wife are among the lowest of the low. 

Former Ex-Gay Spokesman Issues Formal Apology

 In addition to the gay marriage defeats in France and Rhode Island, the Christofascists have another reason to be depressed: John Paulk, perhaps the most high profile "ex-gay" has issued a formal apology for his "ex-gay" activities and has admitted that despite previous claims, his sexual orientation never changed as advertised.  Box Turtle Bulletin looks at Paulk's more detailed apology in follow up to his initial recantation last week.  Here are highlights:

John Paulk, the former ex-gay leader who last week recanted his earlier beliefs in the ex-gay movement’s message that change in sexual orientation was both possible and necessary, has followed up with a more full, formal apology for the damage those messages caused:

For the better part of ten years, I was an advocate and spokesman for what’s known as the “ex-gay movement,” where we declared that sexual orientation could be changed through a close-knit relationship with God, intensive therapy and strong determination. At the time, I truly believed that it would happen. And while many things in my life did change as a Christian, my sexual orientation did not.

 So in 2003, I left the public ministry and gave up my role as a spokesman for the “ex-gay movement.” I began a new journey. In the decade since, my beliefs have changed. Today, I do not consider myself “ex-gay” and I no longer support or promote the movement. Please allow me to be clear: I do not believe that reparative therapy changes sexual orientation; in fact, it does great harm to many people.

I know that countless people were harmed by things I said and did in the past, Parents, families, and their loved ones were negatively impacted by the notion of reparative therapy and the message of change. I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused.

From the bottom of my heart I wish I could take back my words and actions that caused anger, depression, guilt and hopelessness. In their place I want to extend love, hope, tenderness, joy and the truth that gay people are loved by God.

Finally, I know there are still accounts of my “ex-gay” testimony out there being publicized by various groups, including two books that I wrote about my journey. I don’t get any royalties from these publications, and haven’t since I left the ministry nearly ten years ago. I discourage anyone from purchasing and selling these books or promoting my “ex-gay” story because they do not reflect who I am now or what I believe today. 



John Paulk

To understand the significance of this statement, it’s important to review how deeply embedded Paulk had been, not just in the ex-gay movement in particular, but as an important spokesman for anti-gay activists broadly. Paulk first became active in the early 1990s when he appeared in the infamous 1992 video, The Gay Agenda, which was produced by the Family Research Council. .   .  .  .  In 1993, Paulk appeared in another video, Gay Rights Special Rights, which proved highly influential as it made the rounds on Capitol Hill during the debates about gays in the military which eventually led to the  ”Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban on gays serving openly.

By the late 1990s, Paulk became a principle spokesman for Focus On the Family on anti-gay issues. He headed Focus’s Gender and Homosexuality division and was elected to two terms as chairman of the most prominent ex-gay organization, Exodus International. In 1998, he helped to found Love Won Out, a traveling ex-gay roadshow and infomercial conducted jointly with Exodus International, which was staged in a half a dozen cities across North American each year for the next thirteen years. That same year, he and his ex-lesbian wife, Anne, again became the face of the ex-gay movement in a massive publicity campaign that culminated in their landing on the cover of Newsweek. 

Make no mistake.  Paulk's apology is a major defeat for the anti-gay industry and the charlatans - like Michele Bachmann's husband - who continue to peddle the "ex-gay" myth in order to enrich themselves are play politics with he lives and rights of LGBT Americans.