The Advocate has a story authored by Amity P. Buxton, founder of the Straight Spouse Network, that looks at the new documentary, Outrage, but from a different perspective - that of the straight spouses of the closeted gays. It is a subject that touches a nerve with me as someone who was married for over 24 years and tried ever so desperately to make myself straight, sadly buying into - or at least trying to - the bogus myth that sexual orientation is a choice and something that can be changed. Of course, the purveyors of the myth like Focus on the Family and Exodus International care nothing for the lives of the straight spouses they set up to be turned upside down since all they are worried about is the financial benefits flowing from false "ministries" and the usefulness of the choice myth from a political perspective. I truly wished my former wife no harm - not that I can say that she reciprocates that feeling given her efforts to destroy me and/or drive me to suicide - and all I ever did was try to be what society, family and church told me I should be. It was all a lie, but I fell for it and tried to live by it for many years until the whole house of cards collapsed. But, I am digressing. Here are highlights from the Advocate article:*
The recent documentary Outrage exposes the hypocrisy of politicians who live in the closet while voting antigay -- but it also shines a light on the devastation it causes unsuspecting spouses and children.
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The betrayal of their own integrity as gay persons in order to gain political power and the subsequent use of that power to cause harm to gay and lesbian citizens is enough to raise our adrenaline. Yet below the layers of the film’s crisscrossing of personal and political events lies a side story of betrayal and pain that also needs to be addressed. I fear it may get lost amid the core message of the film.
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I’m not referring to the individual snapshots of the private relationships and straight-faced denials of men like Idaho senator Larry Craig and Florida governor Charlie Crist, who engage in double talk when their same-sex activities are revealed. No, the side story that needs to be raised to a higher level of awareness is that of the straight wives who find themselves in the glass closets of politicians who rose in the ranks to take the helm of a state government or to represent their constituencies in the House of Representatives or the Senate by denying who they were. The wives’ stories spotlight the costs paid by everyone in a family and community when a gay person feels obliged to hide who he or she is and pretend to be someone else in order to be accepted and gain power. More important, their story is a cautionary tale that reveals the far-reaching damage done by antigay attitudes and heterosexist expectations that still prevail in America.
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Yes, many people, gay and straight alike, refuse to believe that "the wife didn’t know.” But based on the 25,000-plus spouses with whom I have been in contact since 1986, most have no clue, and if someone raises the possibility, many dismiss it. “After all, he married me and we have children.”
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The straight spouses of the politicians in Outrage may be a side story in the film, but their experience is just as devastating on a personal level as the effect of the politicians’ hypocrisy is on their fellow gay men and lesbians and their constituents -- and is just as related to the need for the acceptance and equality of gay people. The struggle of straight wives as they try to rebuild their destroyed self-concept, moral compass, and assumptions about gender, sex, marriage, and their future mirrors that of their partners. However, their confusion and pain is not caused by their own moral and sexual dilemma, but rather by their husband’s hiding of identity and belief system in the face of the women's trust, the core of a marital relationship.
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Their trauma can be traced back to the prevailing mind-set about traditional marriage and antigay attitudes and stereotypes still found in many parts of our country. That is where we need to direct our outrage and take action to change the status quo. . . . . If we could take action to help more people in more communities to comprehend . . . . their own role in causing these tragic stories by their encouragement of heterosexual marriage and discouragement of anyone’s being gay or lesbian.
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In the end, increased acceptance and welcoming of gay men and lesbians as equal members of our communities will lead to stronger governmental institutions with leaders of integrity who can implement American ideals. Acceptance will also diminish societal pressures for gay men or lesbians to enter heterosexual marriages as the "right thing to do," only to later reveal their truth, which in the majority of cases triggers divorce -- an act that truly does weaken the institution of marriage. Once accepted universally as individuals or government leaders, gay and lesbian persons can help America as a nation and all Americans to create a society based on truth, one that provides equality and justice for all.
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Often I feel that I, my wife and my children are all victims of a foul and homophobic society - usually driven by "Godly Christians" - that forces gays to embrace the closet and try to be what they can never be. Yes, I should have had the strength to always be who I really was. But there are thousands and thousands (if not millions) of others who have done exactly what I tried to do. So much pain could be avoided if LGBT Americans could be accepted as normal people and not pushed to be something other than their true selves.
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