Saturday, February 16, 2008

Saturday Morning Musings

Why is it that some people cannot admit their responsibility for the death of a relationship and simply move on? Particularly when they are the one that resorted to physical violence towards the one they claim to have loved/love? It is a simple reality that all of us bring baggage to a relationship. None of us is perfect and try as we might our past experience tries to cling to us. But, none of that excuses physical violence toward an alleged beloved. Nor does it justify manipulation, intimidation and instilling fear. In my view, a relationship that comes to involve physical abuse is based less on love and more on the intent to possess and control the supposed beloved. If one truly loves another person, they do not smother them, manipulate them, instill fear in them, or ever hit them.

I will be the first to admit that I grew up in an at times dysfunctional family. Yet despite the yelling and other messed up aspects of the family dynamics, physical violence was never something that occurred. Not ever. My father would never have thought to hit my mother. Thus, I do not understand the mindset that makes one think they have license to hit another person. Other than in self defense, I do not believe one ever has the right to hit someone else. Moreover, the fact that someone who has resorted to violence against another will not accept responsibility for their behavior indicates to me that all their protestations that they have changed are – pardon my French – disingenuous bull shit. Only a fool or a masochist would remain in or return to such a relationship. Just as in business sometimes no deal is better than a bad deal, so too in love, sometimes no relationship is better than a bad one. I do not understand why some cannot get that message.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is difficult to understand, agreed. But, the answer is in your post: dysfunction. Some people do not realize it when it applies to them. They do, however, have unmet needs and will cling to the best they have known -- even at times if it means they and their own existence is jeopardized. Honestly, I believe it is a sickness of sorts, an addiction, if you will let me go so far to say. Letting go of a wonderful, caring person -- especially as a result of your own dysfunctional behavior is extremely difficult. Fact is, there is a love and a bond, albeit one that accompanies dysfuntional behavior that will take much time and perhaps therapy to overcome. He has to come to his own realization, acceptance and then decision to move on for himself. As much as you might want to help (because you had a special relationship and will always have a love for him), you simply cannot. It will only prolong the process and create more drama in the meantime. Lots of time. And, a new and fresh and healthy relationship for the both of you will put things right. As for understanding it? Is there any way to understand dysfunction?