Living Apart - Reply to Comments

Some have acted as if I blame society for what has occurred between Raymond and me. Yes, I speculated on what might have been for us - and all in the LGBT community for that matter - if society was different. But I was not playing "The Blame Game, "Playing Victim," or intending to be narcissistic in my post.

Yes, I made decisions that perhaps were wrong or might have been made differently. Hindsight is always 20/20. For the record, I have no regrets over having three amazing children, each of whom will bring gifts to the world and who strongly support gay equality. Also, due to my life in the straight world if you will, my coming out has made some individuals have to rethink their bias and bigotry in a way that would not have happened otherwise.

In my defense, I would state that, although I was a bit late in starting my efforts to make things better for the LGBT community, I have since pushed activism, publicly debated against Virginia's marriage amendment, helped form HRBOR, helped expose a fraud like "ex-gay" Michael Johnston (http://www.washingtonblade.com/2003/8-8/news/national/exgay.cfm) and other hypocrites. In fact, if more long time openly gay (that being a relative term since most still try to live "under the radar" around here) members of the gay community were as out spoken as I have been in my brief "out" career, this area would be much different than it is at present. The fact that I am probably the only attorney in a metropolitan area of 1.6 million who will publicly say the words, "yes, I am gay" tells me that I am not off playing "victim." Others are busy doing that - not me.

If I have pity or sadness for either one of us, it is Raymond, who by the standard of commentators did the right thing by never being in the closet, has always been out and proud, and paid a very heavy price for it in his younger years.

Living Apart

If he follows through with what he says he is going to do, Raymond is leaving Norfolk today and moving back to North Carolina where he will resume his career as a makeup artist. He is extremely talented and will be working at a new branch of a high end spa where he formerly worked that has locations in various parts of the USA and in Toronto. That was the career he loved before getting involved in the real estate investment field in this area which has crashed as has the real estate market in general.

I know we need to be apart - in some ways we have needed to for a long time. Without living apart, I don't think either of us can find the healing and regeneration we both need. In many ways I think we are both victims of the fucked up society we grew up in and still live in.

On his part, at least in my view, he's never gotten over being disowned and thrown out by his family after he came out as a teenager and ex-gay treatment and exorcisms failed to cure him. He was basically on his own at 16 and has never healed from that and the anger that he has kept within him that still haunts him. I think it motivates much of his approach to life and to relationships. He wants control since so much of his early life was spinning out of control. Did he/does he love me? Most certainly. Does he regret and is he sorry for the extreme drama and hitting me recently? Most certainly.

Do I care about him and love him still? Most certainly. Despite all the drama we have endured and our fighting and disagreements, there is such a beautiful part of him. He is generous to the unfortunate to a fault and - I know some people might disagree - but inside there is a goodness and happiness to him that makes me think of the young teenager who existed before homophobia and family bigotry took its toll.

I will truly miss that part of him with us apart. However, he will always be a part of me. Always and forever. Can we ever fully reconcile and be together and happy again someday? Only time and fate will determine that for certain. The photo I have posted is one of us on a trip to the Outer Banks. Here's part of his remembrance of the trip:

Remember the great time we had here in North Carolina - you and me going to the shops and dinner? Using the the jacuzzi while it was cold as hell? LOL, but we still went. And the drive to the point [the tip of Cape Hatteras, where the cold south flowing current collides with the warm water of the north flowing Gulf Stream], with me seeing your face, looking with awe at the power of the crashing waters? Seeing how the waters tossed and churned - you looked so at peace there, Michael.

On my part, if we had met later in my coming out journey, maybe I could have been more of what he needed. I was so racked by guilt and issues related to having been married and having children, the divorce and issues with my law firms that I know at times I was not there emotionally for him. Or not to the extent and in the way he needed. Never having been in the closet, much less married with three children, I know he could not understand what made me tick at times. I have know my soon to be ex-wife for nearly the length of Raymond's entire life time. I think no one who has not endured decades in the closet can know the damage it does or just how long it takes to get over it. When we met, I was still highly damaged goods, but he did not realize it at the time. Do I regret things I did or arguments I triggered? Most certainly. Would I do things over differently if I could? Most certainly. Sadly, I do not get that chance.

Would that both of us could have grown up in a society where we could have simply been allowed to be who we are. No punishment and exile for him and no closet and self-hate for me. I know I am idealistic, but that's what I wish could have been. I know at times I come across in my posts as angry toward religion and self-righteous hypocrites in particular. In fact, I am angry. Very angry at times because so many of us in the LGBT community have been hurt, tormented and scarred by perverted versions of religion and bigotry. So much need damage to innocent kids, young adults, and even us older individuals.