The struggles with depression continue and last night brought yet another wee hour of the morning anxiety attack - Saturday morning I got on the computer around 5 AM after waking in a severe panic and then tossing and turning for what seemed like hours. At times, blogging seems the best therapy to move my thoughts elsewhere and regain some calm. I don't know what triggers the episodes, although they are generally financial and/or post divorce war related. The strangest aspect is that they occur even when the preceding day has been outwardly peaceful and pleasant such as yesterday when my daughters came over to the boyfriend's home and we had a wonderful visit. My children are truly one of the greatest gifts to my life.
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I truly thought I had beaten the depression syndrome, but ever since the post-divorce nastiness began last December I find myself with a constant sense of dread always slightly beneath the surface of things, largely because to date I have been brutalized over and over again in the various court hearings. In an effort to make the judges and opposing counsel - who to date in my view have been homophobes - behave, the boyfriend has begun hiring a court reporter for each hearing. Nonetheless, I find myself feeling that in each hearing I need to justify my existence and receive no understanding whatsoever from the court. The irony is that I believe that the ex-wife and/or her counsel believe that the if they keep brutalizing me, at some point my mother will give me an advance on my inheritance just so I can make the ex-wife disappear. Instead, my mother becomes ever more resolved that the ex-wife will never receive a dime of her money. The other option, of course, would be that they drive me to a successful suicide attempt. Again, the irony is that if that ever happens, the ex-wife will likewise never see any money. You might even say that suicide is my "trump card" to insure the ex-wife never gets paid if that were my intention. Nothing would make me happier than to have her paid off and out of my life forever. I have no desire to ever see her, speak to her, or have to dealings with her ever again in view of what she has done to me since the separation.
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Through all of this boyfriend has truly been my rock and anchor - he is supportive, kind and loving. He is such a sweet guy and I can see why his clients love him so much. He says he merely treats others as he would want to be treated, but it's more than that. He has an ability to emphasize with others that is remarkable and I believe that others pick up on it even if subconsciously at times. He is one of the other great gifts in my life.
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On a different note, I hope to pull more materials off the blog this week as I try to rough out a framework for the proposed book. I have already assembled 65 pages of post materials and I'm only half way through some of the topic searches on the blog. Once I get some more progress behind me, I may ask for some reader input on thoughts of issues to be covered or a title.
As the prior post indicated, I'm in a pissy mood, having awakened around 2:30AM suffering an anxiety attack about financial issues and a sub current of sadness that I heard nothing from either of my two older children over the holiday. Thoughts drift to the bottle of Xanax that the boyfriend has hidden so that I can't "get tempted" by all the pills. Frankly, I hate the holidays. And I hate year end business transactions that need to close notwithstanding all the lost days for the Thanksgiving and Christmas weekends. I know I should be (and I am grateful) for having the boyfriend in my life and that my youngest daughter remains loyal to me. Yet at times, I am simply so tired and find it hard to think in a positive way. The ongoing payments to the ex-wife are killing me ending insult to the way in which I was f*cked in my divorce by a judge who, in my opinion, needs to be removed from the bench for his blatant homophobia.
