Don’t Ask a Same-Sex Couples Who is the “Husband” or the “Wife.”

Me and "the husband"

Recently married myself, I have begun referring to "the boyfriend" as "the husband."  I like the change.  Especially since I never really felt comfortable with the term "partner"  given my background in the legal realm and law firms where members of law firms are often called "partners."  Similar terminology likewise exists in many businesses that are structured as general or limited partnerships.  Calling one's lover/best/friend/significant other your "partner" just doesn't cut it in my book.  A column in the Washington Post makes the same case.  Here are highlights:

Let me attempt to clear up that confusion. Your question seems to assume that when a same-sex couple adopts “husband” and “wife” as their preferred term, they pick one apiece. That’s not the case. When two men have married, there are two husbands; for women, there are two wives. The bottom line: Don’t ask a same-sex couple who is the “husband” or the “wife.”

 

You’re right — I do call Jim my “husband” since we got hitched in August; for the record, he also calls me his “husband.” When we use that language, we’re signaling that we’re legally married — no longer sweethearts, boyfriends or the ambiguous “partners.”

We’re not, however, announcing gendered aspects of our relationship, as your question implies. (Still, I couldn’t help but notice that the boyfriend of Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player to be drafted by an NFL team, was incorrectly called out by some as Sam’s “wife” and “trophy wife” on social media, highlighting the traditional stereotypes of “husband/wife” roles.) 

Put another way: When a heterosexual couple use “husband” or “wife,” are they disclosing what goes on behind closed doors, or who does the dishes vs. who takes out the garbage? I don’t think so; they’re simply using the conventional terms for a married couple.

[W]hy not use “partner”? First of all, it is confusing. Before we married, Jim and I called each other “partners,” and I can’t tell you how many times we were asked, “What business are you guys in?”  

In short, once legally wed, spouses — whether straight or gay — have earned the titles “husbands” and “wives.” That doesn’t mean that every gay or lesbian couple will embrace those terms, just as some opposite-sex couples prefer partner or spouse despite their legal status. 

I understand that much of this nomenclature is new to you — as it is to many others. But unfamiliar as the words may be, more and more same-sex weddings are in our future. 

The bottom line for those uncomfortable with the new use of familiar terms?  Get over it.  Times are changing and so must you.