Among the collateral damage of the Christofascists' anti-gay jihad are the children of gays who can end up feeling like freaks or find themselves subject to vicious bulling and harassment when one of their parents comes out after years of marriage in a heterosexual marriage. The others who find themselves as collateral damage are the straight spouses. In their quest to demonize gays and to peddle the "ex-gay" myth like some form of foul snake oil, the Christofascists literally do no give a damn about these other victims of their viciousness and hate. Their sole focus is to perpetuate the lie that homosexuality is a choice and that it can be changed. Thankfully, now a resource exits for these children of gays - specifically gay dads. It is called The Gay Dad Project and is worth checking out for those who are gay dads themselves with children or those who have friends who are gay dads and went through the coming out journey after marriage to a woman. A reader sent me the link and I thank him greatly. Yes, there are parallels between my journey and that of the family described below. An article in the Kansas City Star looks at the project and one of its founders. Here are excerpts:
Erin Margolin’s life changed at 15. It was a Sunday morning. Her parents called a family meeting. As she and her two younger brothers went downstairs, they joked about how the topic of discussion would be chores. For this Norman Rockwell family, the issue couldn’t be any deeper than dirty dishes and taking out the trash.
But their dad stood before them, legal pad in hand. Sure, he was a lawyer. But a prepared statement at home? Odd. Her mother started to cry. This was not about cleaning house. This was the cleaning of her father’s closet. Erin’s dad dropped a heavy truth on his kids: He’s gay. After 20 years of marriage and trying to ignore his homosexuality, he could hide no longer.
“I was humiliated and mortified,” she says. “I will never forget it. I knew then things had to change, but I didn’t know how.” It would take time for Erin to deal with her new reality. She told very few friends and struggled with labels and trust. She could accept that her dad was gay. Homosexuality was not the problem. The hard part was the secret, and how quickly her parents transitioned into their new lives. She sought counseling, and over time she gained understanding and healing.
Today, she is 36 and a wife and mother of twin 7-year-old girls and a 17-month-old baby girl. After college, Erin moved here with her husband, Dan, a Kansas City native. She’s a stay-at-home mom and gay rights activist, specifically for children who have gay parents.
“The ignorance is overwhelming,” she says. “People say things like, ‘Your dad can’t be gay, he was married.’ Or, ‘Children of gays are wrong.’” You hear it all the way to the highest levels of government. Last week, as the Supreme Court heard two major same-sex marriage cases, Justice Antonin Scalia intoned that children in such families may be in harm’s way.
How does Erin deal? Over the years, the blogosphere has provided solace. Last year was big. For the first time, she found someone online who had a similar story. Amie Shea also had a gay dad who was married to her mom for many years before coming out. The two connected and wanted to start a site for children with gay parents. In August, they launched the Gay Dad Project, a place for children and supporters of the LGBTQ community.
She believes marriage equality might prevent families from going through what she and Aime went through.
My youngest daughter was 13 when I came out and I know it was hard on her. We have a wonderful relationship and I would repeat the hell of being in the closet all over again to have my children. But things do not need to be as hard as they often are for the children of formerly married gays. Projects like that launched by Erin and Amie will help. But shutting down the hate groups that slander gays and indirectly harm their children will also be a huge help to these children. Thank you Erin and Amie for what you are doing to make a difference.
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