'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Don't Ever Slip Up ...

UPDATE: Richard in the story asked me to pull his photo and I have done so.

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I am rather shocked that the Virginian Pilot did this story on gays in the military and the fact that DADT - religious based discrimination written into law - is causing the military to lose many skilled personnel who simply cannot live in the closet and in fear on a 24/7 basis. I have one relative senior officer as a client right now who says he is retiring the minute he hits the retirement mark. Why? DADT. He is but one of many that I know that have opted to get out of the military taking their training and skills with them.

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The irony is that there are SO MANY gays in the military in this area that some friends joke that the Navy would cease to function if all the LGBT service members left in mass all at once. I truly hope that this article will help more people in this area - at least the rational ones - to wake up to the manner in which national security is compromised by what constitutionally should be an illegal law. Naturally, give the number of Christianist Neanderthals in the area, some of the comments left by readers are not pretty, displaying the level of ignorance and intolerance that is a hallmark of Virginia. I also find it telling that both men interviewed did what I did - they married trying to conform and refusing for years to accept the truth about themselves. Here are highlights from the story:

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About 13,000 gays and lesbians have been discharged since the changes took place. Still, a far greater number of gay Americans are serving, or have served, in silence. They walk a fine line, constantly recalculating how much of their personal lives to share with co-workers, learning which doctors and chaplains they can trust, and in the safest cases, finding bosses who subtly make clear that actions, not adjectives, are the best measure of a good sailor.

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The Virginian-Pilot interviewed three gay members of the military about what it's like to serve without disclosing a key part of their identity. Because naming them could jeopardize their careers, the newspaper agreed not to use their real names or include details that would allow them to be recognized.

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PHOEBE: . . . She's a no-nonsense sailor, promoted three times in four years, and she doesn't think work and personal lives should mix too much. The bridge of a warship, she said, isn't an appropriate place to talk about intimate relationships - gay or straight. But when you live together, and you're deployed together and you sleep in a small compartment, she said, it's hard to keep the most basic truth about yourself private.

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She abides by the rules. But curse words fly when she talks about the current policy. "I think it's bull that I could get kicked out for something that has nothing to do with the military. I can go die for my country, and I can't be gay?" she said, before letting loose with a choice expletive.

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Phoebe posed a theoretical question to those who think gay men and women have no place in the military. "What's worse?" she asked. "Having a terrorist attack? Or having a homo stop it?" She's confident that the commanding officer of her ship knows she's gay. The C.O. asked her once what she thought of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Her response was not suitable for publication. Phoebe believes that most people in her division know her truth, but she's careful not to provide any proof.

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She also mentioned that there's plenty of illicit interaction between men and women on her ship, even though Navy policy forbids sex while a boat is under way. On a recent deployment, she said, the captain put 10 people on the ship on restriction for having sex. One case involved a tryst between an officer and an enlisted sailor, she said - a type of fraternization verboten at sea or ashore.

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RICHARD . . . a few years ago, he accepted a truth he'd fought to bury for years: He is gay. The acknowledgment came as a great relief, even at home. He remains married to a woman he met in the military. They have school-age children. In some ways, their marriage is stronger now. He and his wife are no longer lovers, but they're still best friends and partners committed to raising their kids in a loving home.

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Because there's so much at stake - his job, his family's health insurance, his retirement - he worries about someone discovering the truth before he's eligible to retire in a few years. Trained in multiple foreign languages for a job that requires travel and a security clearance, he knows his skills would fetch a handsome salary in the civilian world. He would happily stay in uniform if the law changed. If it doesn't, he's prepared to retire as soon as he can.

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The current policy encourages lying, he said - and even small lies about where you spent the weekend or what you watched on TV turn into a bigger breach of trust. "When, by law, you are compelling people to lie about their personal lives, you're driving a wedge between people and their unit," he said. He is confident the military would accept the change without much trouble. "Saying our military can't adapt to those challenges is really selling our military short," he said.

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FRANK . . . . Like Richard, Frank didn't accept being gay until after he'd married and become a father. He enlisted to get away from home.

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Frank lied. He didn't want to be gay. So he repressed it. He took his marriage vows seriously and stayed faithful to his wife, whom he met on duty. His control lasted 10 years, until Frank realized he couldn't deny reality. The couple divorced. Their youngest child wasn't yet in school; the older one was in grade school. Frank and his kids stayed together, and eventually his partner, Dave, joined them. The arrangement was tested when Frank prepared to deploy a few years ago and Dave became the kids' guardian - taking them shopping, shuttling them to dentist and doctor appointments, overseeing their homework.

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Frank described years of nagging worries that his secret would be revealed. "I constantly felt like I had to watch what I did," he said. He knows five gay sailors who were discharged or chose to leave the Navy because bearing their secret was too hard.

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The worries have subsided now. Frank recently retired. Even on his last day in uniform, Frank was concerned about keeping up appearances. Dave attended the ceremony, but stayed in the background. Frank said he cut his remarks short when he started getting emotional. "I didn't want anything to slip."

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So much lost talent and so much needless stress and drama - all so that religious bigots like Elaine Donnelly can get orgasmic over having their religious views forced on the country. It is beyond sick.