Thoughts of Suicide

I have written before about the fact that both LGBT youth and adults have a much higher suicide rate than other segments of the population. I believe that in large measure this is because of the negative message so many of us are raised with in anything but gay-friendly religious denominations coupled with the reality that even when one puts their own internal homophobia aside they still all too often find themselves subject to discrimination. Indeed, ending one's life may seem to be the only thing that one can fully control. In my own case, I certainly feel that way often - a phenomenon that has gotten far worse again in the context of financial stress and a recurrence of nastiness arising from my divorce which finds me thinking of suicide and fine tuning "my plan" literally daily. Indeed, at times I believe the former wife seeks to drive me to another suicide attempt even though ironically if I succeeded it would mean she'd never get paid any of the money she claims to seek.

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The boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and indeed, but for him it's very possible that I'd have made another suicide attempt by now. I have been spending more nights at his place simply to not be alone which is when the self-destructive thoughts peak. I do not want to hurt him or my children or my other family members - or my readers for whom I have tried to offer encouragement to be themselves- but at times I cannot seem to shake the sense of hopelessness that plagues me, particularly in respect to the divorce nightmare which seems as if it will never end. I know that I suffer from depression and now added to that are anxiety attacks that often leave me sleepless at night. I realize that this is not uncommon and one medical website states as follows:

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For the symptom to meet the criteria towards a diagnosis of major depression, a person must have had a depressed mood for most of the day, nearly every day for a two-week period of time.

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Feelings of hopeless and/or helplessness are common in those who are clinically depressed. They are also some of the most frustrating feelings that depressed individuals experience. Research on the cognitive theory of depression has shown that people who are depressed struggle with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness more so than people who are not depressed (Sacco & Beck, 1995). A sense of hopelessness reflects a negative view of the future. This includes expectations of personal dissatisfaction, failure, and a continuation of pain and difficulty-- a belief that nothing will get better.

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Research has also indicated that severe hopelessness may be a predictor of suicide (Beck, 1987; Fawcett, 1990). Now, this does not mean that if a person feels hopeless that he or she will attempt to commit suicide. This is a common symptom of clinical depression. What it does tell us, however, is that depressed individuals who struggle with strong feelings of hopelessness may be at a higher risk for self-harm. They should receive treatment from a trained medical or mental health professional.

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Not being able to get enough sleep at night is the most common type of sleep disturbance for people who are clinically depressed. Sometimes people will wake up during the middle of the night and then find it difficulty to fall asleep (called "middle insomnia"). Others might wake up too early in the morning and cannot fall back asleep (known as "terminal insomnia").

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Thoughts of death, suicide, or even suicide attempts can be common for those who are clinically depressed. The frequency and intensity of thoughts about suicide can wide-ranging from believing that friends and family would be better off if he or she were dead, to frequent thoughts about committing suicide, to detailed plans about how he or she would actually carry out the act of suicide.

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I clearly meet the criteria but had been doing better up until December of last year. The question is what do I do about it , if anything? Or do I let matters take their course? For those who need information on this topic, more information is here. Also, there is this:

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From immediate suicidal crisis to information about mental health, crisis centers in our network are equipped to take a wide range of calls. Some of the reasons to call 1-800-273-TALK are listed below.
**Call to speak with someone who cares
**Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself
**Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area
**Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you're concerned about