Relationship Boundaries

As many readers know, I am still recovering from a committed relationship that went very bad. In retrospect, one of the biggest signals that the relationship was doomed (probably from the very beginning) was the utter lack of respect for boundaries on the part of my ex-partner. Wanting a relationship to be forever and trying one's best to accommodate one's partner will be an exercise in futility if boundaries are not established and respected by the other member to the relationship. Boundaries can be simple things: respecting your partner's business demands and confidentiality requirements; not calling in the middle of the night when asked repeatedly not to do so; allowing your partner some personal space; and not suffocating your partner and trying to completely control and manipulate them to the point of isolating them from former friends and acquaintances.

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Of course, mutual trust is likewise an indispensible requirement. Without MUTUAL trust, there will be no lasting relationship. Constant jealously and unfounded accusations in time will kill a relationship no matter how hard the accused partner tries to be understanding and accommodate the other's needs and fears. In this regard, Michael at Gaytwogether has an interesting post that looks ate the issue of relationship boundaries. Here are a few highlights:

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Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

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Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.

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So whether you’re single and looking for Mr. Right or you’ve already found him, recognize the profound importance boundaries have on your well-being and quality of life. Without them, you’re left in a vulnerable position and can make poor choices that could adversely affect the course of your life.

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Currently, I think I know more of what I do not want in a relationship than I do as to what I want in the relationship from a positive perspective. One thing I do know is that any future relationship will have set boundaries and any potential Mr. Right will be someone who can/will repsect them.