My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him

The London Times has what I view as both a sad and yet also interesting article (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article3667964.ece). The piece looks at the situation of a woman who discovered that her husband was gay 20 years ago and decided to stay with him. Now she after 20 years she is leaving him and her story - to me - shows the futility of marriages where one spouse is gay. Whether closeted or not and whether or not the gay spouse is in deep denial, ultimately, at some point in time the marriage will not survive. Or at least not in the guise of any honest and true marriage. As I have said many times, I deem my children the most important accomplishment of my life and I am ever so proud of them. Yet, I cannot but have bitter sweet thoughts about my otherwise ill-fated marriage. Ill-fated because I was trying so desperately to be what I was not and in the end I just could not do it any longer. My heart goes out to both parties to the marriage in this article since I can understand both points of view. Here are some highlights:

Maybe the simplest way of looking at the separation is to think of it as part of an evolving process. First there was your revelation that you were gay (which took me many years to accept), then, later, our decision to combine your need for liberty and a degree of licence with your determination to remain at the core of the family. This led to your move away to live in London during the week and our children and friends accepted the explanation that you were under pressure at work. But the truth of course left me with all kinds of imaginings: what were you doing, who had you been with when you came home to me on a Friday night?

As time passed and you established yourself as part of the gay community, your weekends at home became a moveable feast and emotionally you withdrew from me, no longer showing the same interest in my thoughts or feelings; my internal life. That was inevitable, I now see. And yet I felt I remained on your radar from habit, guilt, or as a refuge from your frequent emotional turmoil, drawing me in whether I liked it or not.

Somehow we had to deconstruct our notion of what a marriage is and create a relationship that could accommodate who we had become. I had to convince myself that your “other life” was only a threat to me if I allowed it to be; but this turned out to be a persistently difficult exercise and one that provoked frequent fiery discussion. You are an extremely honest person;

Over the years we have tried to establish boundaries - you would continue to join in family occasions and to share our social life as a couple; I would meet and enjoy the company of your gay friends - although never the ones you were emotionally involved with. At the mixed parties we attended together you would occasionally forget which persona you inhabited - comfortably married spouse or gay social butterfly - with sometimes comical results.

The need to walk the line between preserving our life together and respecting your separate one has eventually proved too difficult. I am tired of treading on eggshells, trying to avoid any hint of possessiveness or pressure. I might ask if you were free to accept a dinner invitation to both of us from old friends and you would not want to commit, preferring to remain open to other possibilities, finding the division of loyalties irksome. Accommodating each other comes at too high an emotional price for both of us. So, what else is there, except friendship?

I'll never forget what a loving father and caring husband you were - and are still. Not all wives can say that. I hope I can now tuck the past away, beat back any resentment and concentrate on forming a close friendship with you for our own sakes and for our children and grandchildren. I don't expect you to agree with or accept what I've said as your perspective must be very different. Even so. I hope what I've expressed is viewed neither as critical of you, nor insensitive to your heroic efforts to be true to yourself and supportive of me. What has partly sustained our relationship for such a long time has been a sincere attempt to understand our respective difficulties.