Earlier this evening I asked readers to tell me about themselves. In response, I received an e-mail from David in Florida that told me about his coming out experiences that somewhat parallel my own, although he seems to have avoided much of the divorce war viciousness that I experienced. I found what he related to be very moving and wanted to share it with others. When I asked if I could share his message with all readers, David's response was as follows:
"Although I believe I have had a much easier time than most leaving my married life behind, I do think we all need to know that there are success stories out there. Most of all, I hope that my story will give others the courage to stop living a lie, making others miserable, and be true to themselves. If you think that is the message others will see, then share all you want."
I applaud David for his successful transition and obvious sensitivity and, with his permission, here is the bulk of his message to me:
I have nothing to hide, but not much that will probably interest many of your readers. I avidly check your site almost daily and especially enjoy your reasoned attacks on the Christianists and the Chimperator. I must also admit that I look forward to your tasteful pictures.
Anyways, I, too, came out late in life after 20 years of marriage to a wonderful woman. Although she was a wonderful wife, a great mother to our two daughters, and a terrific school teacher, it wasn’t enough. I am of the generation that believed homosexuality was something to be submerged. One married, had children, and if there were any thoughts of homosexuality, they were to be hidden behind a locked and bolted closet door. The morning of our wedding I arose early, went out on the deck, and cried to myself. I knew that I was gay (and had been since puberty when I “discovered” sex was wonderful with a male neighbor) and that I was committing myself to a life of deception both to the outside world and to myself. It worked, so to speak, for about fifteen years. . . .
Still a coward, I left a note for my wife asking for a divorce without giving any good reasons. She called later that day and asked me to come home from work so we could talk. When I got home, there were no hysterics, just one question, “Are you gay?”. Obviously, I couldn’t (and didn’t) want to lie at that point. I said I was and had been interested in guys since I could remember. We talked and cried and she told me that I should leave the house. To her credit, she never ranted or created a scene. In fact, even after we divorced, she continued to welcome me into her home. It was more than not wanting to create a bad situation with the kids, she truly loved me even though I had not been truthful throughout our marriage and had had an affair. I cried like a baby when I received a phone call from my sister-in-law the day my ex-wife died of a massive heart attack. On many levels, I lost the sweetest, most loving woman in my life.
Although the relationship I was in before we divorced didn’t work out in the end, and I spent many months picking up guys on the net, I finally found my true love in every aspect in 2000. He introduced me to Key West and brought me out of my self-imposed closet. All of the things that I had searched for in those trysts, but never found, were rolled up in this one man. He, like me, struggled with his homosexuality in a marriage of many years, had children, and wanted more from life. Now, eight years later, we are in the last stages of planning our civil union ceremony here in New Hampshire! He is the love of my life.
He is a special man and my daughters have accepted him as a second Dad. My family has been wonderful, though his has not. I truly am blessed. David
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