It is one of those Mondays when I just cannot feel positive, try as I might. Perhaps working much of the weekend is part of my problem - I had to be a witness in a trial today (my client prevailed), so I tried to get stuff done over the weekend in case it turned into an all day affair. Another part of my funk is perhaps waiting for the outcome of the divorce trial which is still hanging over me. Yet another part is the adjustment to not having the b/f around – he’s living out of state as we remain separated. I miss him in many, many ways and think of him when I am at home because he did so much of the renovation work on the house and built the ponds in the backyard. At the same time, however, I do not miss our fighting and the drama we seemed to fuel far too often when together. He says he still loves me, but I fear it's more about control and manipulation.
I guess I simply feel empty and alone and somewhat jaded on gay relationships in general. I want normalcy in my life without needless drama. At times I truly wonder if I will ever find it. I came out of the closet largely because I was tired of going through the motions of a so-called life and not truly living. Instead, I was play acting and playing the role I thought was expected of me. Now there is no script and assigned role and it can be scary at times.