As happens from time to time with some regularity, this morning I received an e-mail from a married guy who has two children and what sounds like in many ways a good marriage. However, he is coming to realize that - like I did for roughly 37 years - he has been suppressing the fact that he is gay for decades. Now he faces the terrible issue of what should he do. It sounds like he's been honest with his wife who - like mine did initially until she hired the warped Regent Law graduate attorney - is being supportive and still loves him. Obviously, he has fears about what might happen to his world as he knows it and to his children if things spin out of control. Ultimately, how he decides to move forward is a decision he alone will have to make. I can share my experiences (I sent him a lengthy response) and hope that whatever he decides to do that he can avoid some of the worse things I experienced.
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The writer stopped short of asking me if I'd undertake the same decision to come out and move out if I had to do it all over again. In some ways I am glad that he did not ask the question because there is no simple "Yes" or "No" answer. There are many issues and coming to an answer involves weighing so many factors to get to a reasoned decision. Since I indirectly get asked the question regularly, I will try to explain how I get to the answer that, yes, I think I would do it again. I would do a number of things differently the second time around, but I believe that ultimately in order to find some inner peace I would HAVE to come out and find a way to accept myself as a gay man. Despite the financial ruin that coming out has inflicted on me in many ways, the issue comes down to what is the value of not hating yourself and/or wanting to kill yourself every day for who you are. My conclusion is that escaping that burden of self-hate and longing for death is beyond priceless.
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Despite all the good things in my married life - my children being the most wonderful of them - the daily self-hate because of "my secret" and always feeling that death was my only escape took such an immense toll and truly made me a person who was not always that nice to live with. Bottled up self-hate can frequently lead to lashing out at others needlessly or at a minimum turn one into someone moody and sometimes detached. I know I could have been a better father and I hope as time goes by my children forgive my past failings and continue to see that I am a happier and better person now that I am not fighting my secret demons every day. Moreover, as I have said before, I hope they also learn that they must live their lives for themselves and NOT for me or their mother, society or for anyone else. I believe my son is living part of that message in the form of his Appalachian Trail adventure.
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One thing that I would do differently is that I would not stay married and separated for an extended period as I did. It seemed to make sense at the time, but ultimately it postponed all of us in my family from moving on sooner and perhaps more happily. It certainly took a toll on my relationship with my former b/f and I think it delayed my former wife from getting on with her life more quickly. Much of what we were trying to achieve with the extended separation might have been achieved through other means. Hindsight is always 20/20, so I try not to dwell on what might have been if I had proceeded differently.
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The other thing that I would do differently is to make a much harder effort to stay connected with my children from day one of the move out. Looking back, part of the issue was just how fucked up I was at the time and the battle I experienced to fend off a sense of hopelessness as I had to rebuild my entire social network. Seeing nothing but a dark blank page for the future at the time was very scary and distressing. I suspect most of us experience some aspect of that feeling when we decide to come out. I think in my case since I had been entrenched in a carefully constructed outer persona, it was perhaps far more devastating when that construct evaporated. What's done is done now, and I can only try to do my best moving forward. Baeting one's self up over the past accomplishes nothing and I for one have done too much of that in my past.
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As for this morning's e-mailer, I wish him good luck and hope he finds a way to achieve happiness for both himself and his family.
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