The Torment of Life in the Closet

As long time readers know, I spent decades in the closet consumed with efforts to deny reality, self-hate and a never ending fear that "my secret" might be discovered.  Growing up Roman Catholic, a denomination where inflicting guilt and self-loathing is an art form, certainly did nothing to make matters better.  I found myself to be like an actor on the stage, always "in character" except when totally alone.  Never able to be fully close to anyone, always maintaining an invisible glass wall between myself and others.  It is a very miserable and unhappy place.  And this whole horrible word derives from a few passages in a book that is the written version of stories authored by ignorant uneducated people of 2000+ years ago.  So many lives either ruined or made to be a constant torment just because others cling to these archaic writings due to either childhood brainwashing, a fear of thinking for themselves, personal demons, or a fear of modernity.  Oh, and let's not forget those who are out to enrich themselves financially.  A piece in SB Nation looks at the experiences of David Testo (pictured above), a former pro soccer player who came out recently.  Much of what he describes I identify with because I've known the fear, known the self hate, and known the misery.  And LGBT youth (and adults) continue to experience this living Hell.  Thanks to Christianists and professional Christians who have a sick need to feel superior to others or who seek to enrich themselves while peddling bigotry.  Here are some story excepts:   

David Testo doesn’t remember anything from before the day his dad died of colon cancer, when he was 10. But from that day onward, he knew a few other things to be true. One, his father was gone. Two, he was gay. And three, he would pay a terrible penitence for it.

He wasn’t quite sure what it meant to be gay. .  .   .  .  .  . He could only imagine being with other boys, recognizing himself in what his surroundings railed against. The Bible, the only truth in his pious Baptist community down in North Carolina, was pretty clear on the evil of homosexuality: "Thou shalt not lie with the male as one lieth with a woman: for it is abomination," Leviticus, 18:22. 

"I kind of hated myself. When you’re told gay people are sinners and are going to burn in eternal hell and you’re a child, what are you supposed to feel? It just couldn’t be the truth. I didn’t know who I was." There was no Internet then, no way of circumventing Bible Belt propaganda and discovering other truths. "If you’re straight, you learn from examples everywhere around you," says David. "But if you’re gay you’re just left hanging there – you learn about your sexuality anonymously, through dark spaces."

"It takes a long time to accept it because you really do try to change or deny it. It’s the one thing I can’t change. I can change pretty much everything else about me but I can’t change who I’m sexually attracted to."

He tried anyway. 

He decided to do what closeted gay men have done for centuries: construct a beautiful facade behind which to huddle. So he wouldn’t go to hell after all, he decided. Yes, that was the best option available; the only option, unless he wanted to become a pariah and the target of constant proselytizing over his "disease." He would be unimpeachable – get good grades, join the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, be elected captain of the soccer team, date a cheerleader, have straight sex. He bullied kids suspected of being gay, called them "faggots."  He became the golden boy, hiding in the spotlight.

A sanctuary for others, the locker room had been a deeply uncomfortable place for David. He'd spent as little time there as possible, missing out on much of the bonding he so cherished. There was a lot of talk of sex. David dodged the questions. He'd looked at the ground and avoided the inherent sexual undertone in locker rooms. He’d bang on the windows of the team bus along with the others when an attractive girl walked by.

David had been a permanent resident of the gray area. Who knew; who didn’t know? Who was OK with it; who was judging him behind his back? He had no clue. It drove him crazy. Never once, in all of his years playing soccer, did a teammate ask straight up if he was gay. And he never formally came out to anybody either.

Call it a karmic reckoning. David didn’t actually know he’d be the first active male pro athlete in a major team sport in North America to publicly announce that he was gay last November, but he knew that what he had to say would matter. When he learned that yet another bullied gay teen took his own life — 15-year-old Jamie Hubley from Ottawa — his mind was made up. David hoped he might help make a difference for all the boys just as lost as he once was. That he could make amends for the bullying he did himself. Regret can be productive sometimes.

Testo came out in November, 2011.  He hasn't played pro soccer since.  While his story is inspiring, the aftermath sadly will convince other young LGBT individuals that the only safe place is in the closet as tortured a place as it may be.  In my own life, coming out eventually severely damaged my legal career as I became radioactive in the minds of most local law firms.    I've paid a high price for coming out, but the only alternative was to come out or die.  I chose life.  It's ironic that the "godly Christians" who are always saying "choose life" in the abortion context by their anti-gay bigotry condemn countless LGBT individuals to remain in a living Hell or to choose death as their best option.  Talk about hypocrites.  They only care about choosing life for unborn fetuses.  They care little about the living.