Losing One's Soul in the Closet

A month or so ago I said that I had no desire to ever date someone still in the closet. I truly believe that the fact that I was not fully out when I met my former boyfriend and that I still had a distance to go until I was "out and proud" played a significant role in the problems in our relationship. Yes, it might have ended anyway, but the toxic elements of being closeted surely did not help matters. At least one reader agrees and recently sent a comment, a portion of which reads as follows:

*

I'm the out-and-proud one in my relationship (I'm also a lawyer) and I'm having a hard time being patient with my closeted partner. He's okay going out to the bars, etc, and some of his family know, but he just hasn't made that final leap to tell the parents or his sister - though I'm sure they all suspect and would be fine with it. He and I are a really good match and so I hope this all works out. If not, I'm taking your position from now on - understand that coming out is difficult and slow (hell, I've been there) but not interested in dating someone going thru that process.

*

The other aspect of the closet is that in my view one has to basically lose a part of their soul to remain in the closet. I fully understand that there are many reasons to stay in the closet: fear of losing one's job, fear of client/patient reaction, inability to let go of religious indoctrination, or fear of losing material things as is the case with one individual I know. Material possessions are nice, but being one's own master and not subject to blackmail and threats that material possessions will be taken away is, at least for me, far more important. Materially, I have lost a great deal by coming out socially and professionally, but I have re-gained my soul.

*

I suspect that closeted readers do not agree with me or fully understand the sense of freedom and liberation being out and proud gives. Having been in both places mentally/emotionally, I would never go back in the closet. I truly believe that I'd rather die than ever live in the closet again. As for families who try to force family members to stay in the closet, it's not a sign of love. To me, it's a sign that the family puts more value on themselves than on the one they allegedly love. It's not love. Rather it's all about them and not the gay family member.

*

Ultimately, each of us must make our own decision. For me, regaining my soul is far more important than possessing the things that remaining in the closet might have brought to me.